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Nov 18

Arachnophoboprophylactic

Posted on Wednesday, November 18, 2015 in Family, Humourarse, Philosophy, Strange and Unusual

I have a new theory that I have been testing out for 18 days now. It is a prophylactic spider:

spider

It is not a real spider.

But people sometimes think it is, and tend to stamp on it violently forgetting that this is not a country where large spiders tend to exist, hence its lack of legs. Poor inanimate thing.

Since Hallowe’en, I’ve noticed that laying large fake tarantulae around the place has led to a lack of spiders who would generally otherwise invite themselves into my home AND NOT PAY ANY RENT so I left them there presuming that spiders are innately carnivorous and would probably be terrified of large counterparts who might eat them. I’ve googled this theory intensely but have not come up with any answers other than anecdotal evidence so I am conducting this experiment alone, and will keep you updated.

There is one by the front door, one by the back door, one on our bedroom windowsill and one at the back of the house for extra measure. Since Hallowe’en I have not had one single spider enter my home. This is quite impressive considering the grand soft Irish weather we’ve been having lately. Not one single spider.

I’m not mucking about here, by the way. I’m very serious about this. I have regular dreams where cute little animals suddenly develop eight scuttly little legs…

squirrel

… and given that I’m the only coal-fetcher in our house I can assure you that monster spiders are lurking for I have seen them. They are there.

In the dark.

Waiting to come in to my nice warm house.

And this is why my fake spider sentinels will remain in place, ready to not pounce, ready to not eat them.

Bring on the comments

  1. Brianf says:

    That’s along the lines of putting fake owls in a barn to rid yourself of meeces (plural for mouse).

  2. Kirk M says:

    Looking forward to updates on this new discovery of yours. Any suggestions on what inanimate object I might use to keep out a troublesome neighbor?

  3. K8 says:

    I couldn’t figure out what would scare spiderses (plural of spiders) other than a large dog, two rats and several lively children which hasn’t worked so far.

  4. K8 says:

    I heard of your plight, Kirk. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would spout on about how whatever you give out comes back to you ten-time fold but you already know this. There are several tricks taught to me by a white witch friend of mine, but they are quite graphic. Are you sure you want to hear about them? They’re non-violent I assure you.

  5. Kirk M says:

    Not to worry about giving out. Herself and I have gone strictly “by the book” on this situation meaning documenting every incident, police, court…all that sort of legal stuff, and not lowering ourselves to their level…

    …although that might be fun.

    Now, about that white witch friend of yours? ;)

  6. K8 says:

    Well, she had theories of pertaining a property which one might have one’s eye on.. by menstruating on the grounds once a month. That’s a very strange and complicated story.

    But! She advised me that if I ever had anyone on my property that I did not want, I should place a broom upside-down, and stick a fork perpendicular to the bristles. Within a few weeks, the unwanted person will be gone.

    This backfired for a friend of hers though. The wife tried this trick when she was getting fed up of her husband’s friend hanging around too much. She wound up leaving, herself. So it did work, in a roundabout sort of way.

    Personally I like landmines.

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