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Dec 16

Useful advice on de-bugging

Posted on Monday, December 16, 2013 in Family, Jobs, Rantings, Taboo


I lay awake, frustrated as I usually do of a night, wondering what should have been said or what could have been done or what needs to be corrected in what way and why not. This night however, there was popping. My ear itched. I rubbed it haphazardly with my thumb and tried to get on with it.

I flipped sides. Rolling the blanket into a cozy position clock ticking and continuing random thoughts from the other side, disturbed worrying trying to ignore the itch. There was a noise though. It was a very nearby noise, as though gremlins were building lego in my pillow. Pop. Scritch. Flullowing.

I flipped to the other side, and suddenly worries of a psychological nature became secondary to the pain in my fucking ear.

Bastard. Bloody hell. Fuck sake Jesus etc… the tiny end of my baby finger rooted and mooched but the pain would not go away, nor would the sound of the gremlins scratchy scritching around in my ear.

I got up, and went to the bathroom and did exactly what one is not supposed to do but I’m entirely glad that I did it… a cotton bud tip found itself rooted into the depths of my ear canal and when I pulled it out, LO! a small creature found itself on the tip. Bleurgh.

I did a dance, a squirmy dance that was very silent lest it waken the rest of the household but by God did I make sure to wake my husband to let him know because it is his job to listen to the pains in my proverbial arse at any given day no matter what the cause because it’s in the vows in the smallprint so shut up.

“Dude wake up I found a bug in my ear!! How disgusting is that? How are you still married to me? I’m the most revolting person ALIVE! It’s laid eggs in there. Jesus. Yeaauch. What if I’m brain injured?! I want to go to hospital!!!”

That was when I fell asleep purely out of lack of attention and tiredness, but only because it was 4am and I’d trapped the suspect in a specimen jar for future inspection. No more itching occurred that night but you can be damned sure there were nightmares.

See, the young wan had had head lice two weeks before. She’d caught them at school and I’d combed and washed the bollix out of her hair on two separate occasions but there still were eggs two weeks later. It didn’t occur to me that the product I was using was inferior. I thought that this was just the hazard of having long hair. So I treated her and left it, and then during a bonding evening when she sat on my lap and snuggled me with her head next to mine I considered contamination but at the time it didn’t matter because love can be careless that way.

They only itched after I asked my husband to examine my scalp. When he jumped back with a yelp and a declaration of ‘JESUS THEY’RE HUGE!!!’… only then did they begin to really irritate. Funny that.

So there I sat with nits. Long hair, and nobody to treat me.

Google was of no help whatsoever. It just showed me disgusting pictures and made it worse and put me off my food. So now I am a stressed out mother, malnourished with a strong desire to shave her head.


(Go on, scratch your scalp, I know you’re feeling it. It’s psychosomatic, I wouldn’t blame you.)

Here is where I unashamedly advertise a product: Lyclear

In this sceptical age where blogs are all about making money and links are golden and all that, I would love to state here and now that this advertisement is purely borne out of relief. It was on the golden glowing shelf of the pharmacy that normal people don’t need to look at. The pharmacist took pity on me and showed it to me without any requests of passwords or big brown envelopes, I think it was the look of desperation that did it.

It’s an oily sort of crap. But it smells nice. And there was a bitchin’ comb that came in the packaging with long prongs that made the eggs really stand out.

I put the oily goo in my hair and waited for the advised ten minutes. There are a lot of things one can do in ten minutes but I would advise against baking because at this stage there was a lot of squirming. I could feel the nits panicking, they were jumping from a burning building so instead I chose to crouch in the corner of my bedroom and rock silently and cry and wait.

When the ten minutes were up, I rinsed. I piled the top half of my hair into a bun and carefully brushed every inch of the lower quarters with the ‘special’ comb and laughed OUT LOUD at the corpses that presented themselves. The upper quarters of my hair were less troublesome because the bastards seem to like the dorsal side of the scalp and not the upper side.

Two weeks later and they’re gone.

But I’m still itchy.

I ask my husband to examine me every now and then and he tells me I’m clear, and I’ve used the same product on my daughter and she’s still clear.

And yet I still can’t sleep.

I keep dreaming of lice babies infiltrating my brain.

But there are always worse things in life I suppose.


Bring on the comments

  1. Ginger Mick says:

    Sweet baby Jesus, it’s me off for a haircut and a kerosene rinse!

  2. Brianf says:

    My son was seven years old when he brought those vile animals home from school. I shaved both of our heads and still had to use the anti-lice shampoo. I feel for ya’.

  3. Kirk M says:

    Yup, been there, done that–twice. While I was taking care of my parents several years ago I was also helping raise my sister’s daughter due to my sister’s husband being a useless bugger. She came home with head lice from the local school and my mother, sister and I got them as well.

    Thank the gods I didn’t have a lot of carpets in the house I rented but I had to pull the ones I had, spray them down with some sort of lice killer and wrap them in plastic for a weeks. Same with the bed although the bed clothes could be washed normally and hung in the sun. But the mattress, pillows and such had to be sprayed and wrapped in plastic for a weeks as well. Clean sheets and pillow cases could be used over the plastic though.

    My dog was another story altogether since I couldn’t wrap her in plastic, it took shampooing her everyday for a week as a safety measure. Two weeks later, I was lice free.

    A month later that f***ing school was contaminated with head lice once again because they failed to do anything about it the first time and I had to do everything all over again.

    There was a lesson in all this I suppose but even to this day I fail to see what it was.

  4. Kirk M says:

    (sigh) Typos! “Weeks” should be “week”. Such is my proofreading abilities.

  5. K8 says:

    Ginger Mick; The temptation to shave the aul’ noggin was extreme but I like my hair. It provides good insulation at this time of year.

    BrianF; The intense combing was actually kind of bonding in its own strange way. Naxty things often happen for weird reasons.

    Kirk; Good grief. I feel lazy now. I half-assedly changed our bedding but once during the whole ordeal. Upon researching the little fuckers I found out that they tend to die if they don’t have fresh food so I didn’t bother. So, we sleep amongst corpses. How revolting is that?! It’s since I learned that almost half of the weight of your average bowel movement is comprised of the dead bodies of the gut’s bacteria… that’s when I realised that squeamishness is relative.

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