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Oct 6

Dear Spider on my Ceiling

Posted on Saturday, October 6, 2012 in Strange and Unusual

Dear Spider on my Ceiling;

I understand that it is your right to be, and that you have as much of a right to be on this planet as I do. This is why I didn’t hoover you up earlier on while I had the opportunity, for hoover nozzles far outreach the inconvenience of having to grab a stool, a pint-glass and a postcard, or indeed a hefty shoe, for that matter. I hope you appreciate this.

I just wonder…

What is it that you’ve been thinking for this past eleven hours?

I know you’re alive, for I’ve poked you in curiosity and I’ve seen you curl your forelegs in avoidance but surely you must know by now that I am not a threat. I welcome your abilities, so long as you don’t find your way into my bedroom and possibly into my mouth during the night.

Are you a spy?

Are you working for the government, or a secret intelligence of some sort?

Are you stealing my recipes as I cook?

How have you stayed so still for such a long time, casting ghastly shadows across my ceiling and making me strain my neck in wonderment? Do you not feel guilty about having done so little with your short life?

You must have gathered so much information up there this past day. It frustrates me that you have no outlet for your creativity, that your wee spider legs are too week to press keys on my laptop, that you don’t understand the intricacies of the English language. I do hope you’re not pregnant, for I’ve noticed the lack of good-looking spiders around here so I dread to wonder what took advantage of you. If you are however, no matter… I know you’ll be a good mother because you obviously have an abundance of patience which can only be a good thing when you have sixty nappies to change all-at-once.

I know that tomorrow, you’ll have disappeared. I’ll wonder where you are and that wonderment will lead to my regretting not having hoovered you up, but wherever you’ll be, I hope your experiences on my kitchen ceiling will have taught you something, if not alone how to dice a clove of garlic.

Good luck little dude,

With love from yer wan who’s been staring upward at you for this past hour, mouth ajar.

Thank you for not dropping in to it unexpectedly.

Kate

Bring on the comments

  1. Jenny says:

    I love it! Kate you think far too much at times, but that’s what makes this blog fantastic :D

  2. Great story, Kate! Actually, I wondered the same thing today. As I was coming in with arms full of groceries, I almost stepped on an Eastern Box Turtle sitting on my walkway that leads to the back door. After putting up the groceries, I went back to discover him all shut up in his shell. He wouldn’t come out for anything. So, I put him in a box to show my niece. After a few minutes and smell of melon rind entering his nostrils, he finally came out of his shell. My niece loves animals, so I took him down the road to see her.

    She was overjoyed with the fella and his odd look. It took her a while to figure out that there was an animal in there. It was funny. I brought him back home and he gave me that “Please let me go look”, so I let him go and he crawled off into the wilderness of my backyard. It was the first time in 12 years that I’ve seen a turtle around here. I raised turtles when I was a lad, so if you ever need to know anything about ’em, I’m yer man.

    Actually, I have a funny story about one disappearing in my childhood home and reappearing three months later, but I’ll save that for me blog.

  3. Brianf says:

    Lucky lucky spider!
    Here at my house he would have been told to make peace with his maker just before being whacked with a rolled up newspaper then hoovered.

  4. Bernard the Spider says:

    Dear Kate on the Floor,

    You wonder what I was thinking about? I was watching you and wondering what you were thinking, if the truth be told.

    I suppose I should have introduced myself? I am in fact your Great Uncle Bernard (on your fathers side). I died many years ago and since then have been a Galapagos Turtle, a flea and now a spider. This reincarnation lark is not what it is cracked up to be.

    I appreciate that you didn’t kill me. Apart from the fear of returning as a skunk, I do have a wife and family of 327 (at the last count) to support, and I am sure that they too thank you very much.

    Bernard the Spider.

  5. One of the strangest and nicest posts I’ve read in ages! Just brilliant. Will you blog more often please?

  6. K8 says:

    Jenny; This is one of the times I tried thinking in circles instead of straight lines. It’s less stressful.

    Jefferson; Man, I wish it were turtles lurking in kitchen corners and coal bunkers rather than spiders, they’re so much less scuttle-ish. How do you LOSE a turtle?!? You must have very big skirting boards!

    BrianF; I can’t kill them, the guilt is too much. I hope they remember this when they eventually try to take over the world.

    Hello Bernard! I knew you’d disappear. I’m glad you found a laptop.. or is it the Blackberry that rolled under the fridge last week? I’m sorry I mistook you for a female, you must’ve had your ganglion zipped up that day.

    Darragh; Thank you! It’s the thinking up of weird things that’s the hard part. Mostly it’s just dust and soggy tea-bags up here.

  7. Brighid says:

    Greetings from the wild west to you & great uncle Bernard.
    There are a lot of ^daddy^long-legs in a corner here…it is my mission to ever so gently touch a corner of the web and watch them all go boing-boinging crazy…simple pleasures…

  8. K8 says:

    Oh the laughs of me! I love doing that too, on summer days pinging wide webs on the kid’s swings… I love how they form that weird invisible spider whirly circle when you do that and have that deadpan expression afterwards as though they don’t care one little bit. Mind you I suppose they always have the same expression no matter what. A bit like Madonna.

  9. Holemaster says:

    I usually give a spider 24 hours to vacate.

    Lovely post as always Kate. It’s the little things in life which life is all about.

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