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May 4

Keep on keeping on.

Posted on Friday, May 4, 2012 in Family, Jobs, Rantings

Maybe it was the Accidental Terrorist’s worsening spinal condition and impending stream of surgical confusion coupled with the erratic swings of his emotional state caused by the masses of weird chemicals he consumes to control his pain. Maybe it was the worry that Laughingboy stops breathing at night time and investigations into his sleep apnea aren’t being investigated quickly enough. It could have been exhaustion from the parent’s committee and its efforts to raise such huge amounts of cash at the cost of mine and its other member’s time and energy, or it could have been the looming bills and the bank letters that go with them that state the bleedin’ obvious fact that there isn’t enough money in any of our bank accounts to cover same. I would thank them by hand-grenade by return-post, but I don’t have any hand-grenades. Two-year-old’s tandrums. Demanding daughters. Nothing for dinner. No fuel for the car. Old shoes with holes in.  Not being able to have a peaceful crap on my own. The fact that our house has possibly been condemned. The beckoning but ultimately evil bottle of scotch whiskey…

Maybe it was all of it all at once, triggered by something irrelevant such as running-out of firelighters, or the cat crapping on my duvet. Something snapped, either way.

Whatever it was, it led to my sitting in the middle of a rain-soaked field screaming from the pit of my soul for some sort of answer, or release, or solution. It felt good, and one can’t exactly go about doing that sort of thing in front of one’s children without eyebrows being raised and strange kiddie questions being addressed to teachers the next day, hey.

Fields are great inventions.

Fat old Wouldye dog didn’t care. He just chased butterflies and relished the sniffings. I felt happy for him.

I stood up eventually, and found a river by which I stood for quite some time.

It amazed me. I felt so jealous of it, the way it just kept on flowing. No matter what was placed in its path, it just kept going with an unstoppable energy. Determination. And it seemed so enthusiastic with it. Gushing. Rushing. Pushing to get there. Uninterrupted flow.

I drew energy from it, and wondered what drove it, besides obvious gravitational pull. There was something else, something that I was missing. Natural order perhaps. Where the hell is my natural order? What is pulling me to an end? What have I got to be so enthusiastic about?

I wish I was a river. I wish I could see my purpose and be so determined. I wish something would pull me, and not have me struggle towards it. And what is it? And where does it end?

Rivers don’t have questions, they just are.

I wish I could just…

…be.

Bring on the comments

  1. Nelly says:

    I remember feeling like that and I never had as much to contend with as you do. I think you are a very courageous and gutsy woman. Remember that sometimes rivers dwindle and dry (not often in Ireland)and sometimes they teem and overflow. You caught it at a good moment.

  2. Ginger Mick says:

    Once again you leave me speechless! Your literary talent is superb. Surely, you can make some sort of a quid out of your writing. I’d pay for the pleasure you give me. I know money isn’t the answer, but I think things are better when you’ve got a quid, than when you haven’t. (For ‘quid’, please insert, zloty, peso, drachma or whatever weird currency you now use).

    I’m raving (as usual)and have nothing to take away the pain. But I cares for ya!

  3. Brianf says:

    You are stronger than you think you are. God will never give you more than you can handle. I think you are the one who shines through the darkness. Everyone needs a field from time to time. Mine is out in the woods. For me I go hiking and recharge myself through the mountains here. Deep down you are a good person and that’s what is important. Maybe you’ll be reborn as a big happy, lazy dog like Wouldya. Then you can spend your time sniffing and chasing.
    Keep on rockin’ girl!

  4. Holemaster says:

    Maybe you’re the river.

  5. Jo says:

    I wish it was easier for you. All of you. I don’t know about God giving you things you can handle. My initial response is, fuck that, really, but hey. Whatever makes you feel better. As long as it does. I don’t know how much consolation there is in being strong and stressed and miserable.

    Ach. I wish it was better.

  6. I hope things get easier for you. You have a lot of strength in you and you already deal with so much. I think perhaps you ARE a river… but I hope you feel it soon.

  7. Granny says:

    I can help in the Daughter dept. Maybe collect her from school and leave her
    back at bedtime??

    How lucky you are to have such a way with
    words.

  8. K8 says:

    Nelly; That’s true, I probably did! I think it was flowing at exactly the right rate for that moment just for me, if you believe in that sort of thing.

    Ginger Mick; Thanks so much for such wunnerful compliments! I still feel far too inexperienced and lazy to even dream about diving into the writing pool though, unless it’s a kidnapping letter…

    BrianF; Being reborn as a dog would be cool. I think I’ve earned the right to be able to lick my own… um… yeah.

    Holemaster; Someone said that to me before once, said it was a bad thing. She was a Scorpio. Figures.

    Jo; It will be better some day! As it could be a lot worse now. At least we have a roof, and clothes (thanks to your tiddler’s hand me downs!! heehee) and laughter and the internet. :)

    Jenny; Rivers don’t break their arm like I did on Friday! D’oh. Stupid skateboard.

    Granny; I’ll be ringing you about that later, thanks!

  9. You broke your arm as well? That has GOT to be your share of bad luck now. Surely!

  10. K8 says:

    I’m going to sue the kid with the skateboard and win lots of money bwah hah hah..

    Nah just kidding. I did mess with the brakes on his mam’s car though.

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