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Jul 6

Eating – ur doin it wrong.

Posted on Wednesday, July 6, 2011 in Rantings, Strange and Unusual

I was at a wedding dinner last month in the company of other carrot slurpers and talking about the awful state of the weather when I suddenly got a terrible shock. As I looked around, I discovered that everybody… absolutely everybody was eating with their knives and forks in the wrong hands.

I do know how to set a table; the knives go on the right of the plate, the forks on the left. Whenever I pick them up to eat, however, I always switch hands. It just makes more sense to shovel with the right, or use a right-handed anchor to hold the meat down while I saw through its sinews with a left-cutting knife. I’m right handed, ergo my right hand has more control, Shirley? Until that day, I had presumed that everybody ate this way.

It was a very shameful moment, but nothing champagne couldn’t fix.


Almost as stupid as this, I felt. Almost.

I did try switching last week, I shouldn’t have worn that new blouse… shouldn’t have trusted my left hand to take control out of the blue like that, I should have eased it into the idea gently, dammit! Poor lefty bottled it halfway on the journey from plate to mouth and had an awful case of the shakes, discombobulating all over the boobal area of said blouse. Disaster.

But what have I done to my brain?! This lack of control practice for poor lefty has probably damaged it beyond repair, synapses’ bags packed, they’ve gone in search of sunnier climes probably. In fact, I’ve most likely passed the tendancy to eat incorrectly to my growing foeti… if their left hands drop off in their mid-50’s, it’ll be MY fault.

I’m a freak and I’m screwing up the evolutionary chain, the smell of antiestablishmentarianism is rank. I flatly refuse to conform to being a left handed forker though, it’s everyone else that’s wrong, not me!!!

Bring on the comments

  1. When I went to private school, we had a “Finishing” class. The teacher was brutal if we screwed up a setting. But, I learned all sorts of things like how to set a table, how to eat, how to cross your silverware when you’re done, and how to dance. The lady was brutish but brilliant.

    I once sent a very slippery snail across a very pretentious restaurant. :)

  2. TheChrisD says:

    Same here, I’ve always used fork in the right all my life, and I don’t consider myself to be “wrong” at all. It’s just a different way of doing things!

  3. Will Knott says:

    Its the Citog’s curse. There is a left handed setting, but most people don’t bother. So, I’m afraid to say, you’re normal.

  4. Jo says:

    Ah, you’re not alone. I long looked forward to the day I had small children, so I could blame them for my own frequent self-beaning.

    Hmm. Does that sound rude?

    Cut everything up and then eat with just your fork in your right hand. It’s the American way and it’s effective and comfortable :)

  5. K8 says:

    Jefferson; Ha! Stick that up your etiquette, wha?

    Howyeh ChrisD, sure you have a teddy with it’s own facebook account… you’re crazier than I am!!

    Will Knott; But I’m not a citóg, I’m right handed… a big right-handed freak!

    Jo; You lost me at beaning :-p

  6. Brianf says:

    Damn! Now I don’t know. Sometimes, most really, I use my fork in my right hand but to cut a piece of steak or something then the ol’ fork goes straight to the left hand so cutting can be done with the right. How can you wield a fork with your left hand? Oh no K8, you’re not the weird one the others are!

  7. Baino says:

    Lefties of the world unite. Or eat like an American cos they don’t know what to do with cutlery. Well except JD cos he went to ‘finishing’ school

  8. K8 says:

    But I’m only a eatie leftie! Delighted I’m not quite so alone though.

  9. Brighid says:

    I’m a lefthanded person with marginal et-e-cat skills, and an American to boot…it’s all down hill from here…sweet

  10. Holemaster says:

    When eating mash or beans, I switch over. A bit like crossing from Spain to Gibraltar.

  11. K8 says:

    Or America to Canada?

  12. Roy says:

    You’re a savage!

  13. K8 says:

    So’s yer face.

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