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Jun 4

No Fly Zone

Posted on Saturday, June 4, 2011 in Rantings

It happened today, a random brush with death, that awful moment when you realise there may be someone up there calling your number. I swear there’s an entity up there that does these things deliberately.

A three-lane motorway is a powerful thing. It gets you from A to B without you hardly having to even touch the road. It was here, at roughly 130kmph (81 mph for you metriphobes) that I got an itchy forehead. I was overtaking a fuel truck at the time so my scratching it was a very automatic thing. It never occured to me why my forehead was suddenly itchy until the culprit bounced off my nose and landed with a thud on my lap.

Yes, I felt a thud. This was a considerably large piece of something.

I glanced down (whatever this was would need an examination period of roughly a semi-split-second, to be exact) to see a spider scuttling between my legs towards the business end of my tracksuit bottoms.

It’s moments like these, when you’re hurtling along way above the speed limit and you suddenly learn that there’s a large spider roaming around beneath your crotch, this is when you truly feel alive.

Eyes on the road.

It tickles.

Eyes on the road!

I did eventually manage to pull my van onto a slip road and escape fairly sharply into a random carpark in Firhouse where I promtly exited the vehicle to do The Spider Dance. You know the one, it’s an arms and legs all over the place with much self-smacking sort of affair… hilarious to watch but very uncomfortable to perform.

Someone laughed and beeped as they passed. You know who you are. I have your registration number. Expect an eight-legged parcel through your letterbox really soon, bud.

Bring on the comments

  1. Yikes! I would have most likely careened into oncoming traffic, causing a major wreck. I don’t know if I’d been able to hold on so long. Nothing worse than a bug doing God knows what when yer trying to concentrate.

    I had a wasp get into the Beetle one afternoon. The only problem was that he didn’t start buzzing ’til I got on the highway, running about 95kmph. I rolled down the window. The just ticked him off. It landed on the top of my head and just stuck their, probably trying to find just the right spot to sting. I cursed and swerved until he flew out. Freakin’ critters!

  2. Jo says:

    GAH! Happened to my arachnophobic brother and he crashed into a Land Rover. Boy was going too fast, though, in Delgany…

  3. K8 says:

    Jefferson; Whoa! Wasps are far worse, especially those mutant hound-of-Satan ones with sadistic tendancies. While I dislike spiders, I hate wasps.

    Jo; Any speed is too fast for Delgany though in all fairness. I hope he was okay, spiders are hard enough to deal with without having to contend with bent metal aswell :(

  4. Jo says:

    Ack, his car was in a bad way, the Rover had one tiny bent little hook at the back, and your man claimed whiplash and looked for insurance pay offs :(

    My bro was fine apart from his wallet though, thankfully. No idea where our spider issues come from. I’d take a wasp sting over a spider crawling on my face any day!

  5. K8 says:

    Oh nuts, that’s rotten. Insurance companies should hire P.I.s for fakers, they charge enough for the damn premiums in the first place! Spiders (and wasps!) should be included within their list of possible eventualities.

  6. Holemaster says:

    I had a similar experience with a cigarette butt. Flicked it out the window. It came right back in, down the back of my t-shirt and into my ass cleavage, still lit.

    It was the litter God what done it.

  7. K8 says:

    Yowch!! Smell o’ burning biscuits or wha??

  8. Jo says:

    Instant smoker karma, Hm!! Flaming butts, indeed. Some smoking driver flicked a lit butt out the window that landed on my cyling friend once. It’s a scumbag act, I’m afraid. I’m glad you’ve quit!

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