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Dec 16

Undercover something-or-other

Posted on Thursday, December 16, 2010 in Family, Jobs, Strange and Unusual

““It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”*

Now that masked faces have robbed this country of its affluence, I’m thinking that protesting and re-electing is pointless.  We need to think on our feet and invent ways to earn money off the books, tax-free, catch them at their own game sort of  thing.

Of course there’s babysitting, but we’ve moved on from that, hey.  There’s house cleaning, but ugh, there’s a job!  It’s tough enough managing my own house, let alone being in somebody else’s while they breathe down my neck as I iron their Y-fronts.   There’s artistry, book writing, but that’s more of a long-term sort of goal…  I’m aiming towards a sunny holiday around May-ish, see.

So,

Coming out of the shower the other day (I always get my best ideas in the shower), it hit me.  An idea that was so dark, so weird and twisted, so utterly messed up… it just had to work.  You see, most people I talk to don’t expect that sort of thing from me, so I get strange looks.  You though, you’re different, I can’t see your faces as you judge me so it’s okay! 

-o0o-

Small children are vulnerable little objects, I myself have three and my waters are in constant turmoil over the fact.  I broke the innocence barrier of my four year old a while back and told her that there was no such thing as monsters, except those that are hidden within people (insert serious face here).  Those in cars with sweets, those that say they know me, etc…

She always looks at me with her big brown eyes and says that she will say ‘NO!’ but what if…

…what if there’s a giant Hello Kitty doll on their back seat?  What if yon sicko tells her she’s a long-lost princess destined to be the Queen of a very small island?  Would she enter the car then?  I’d nearly pay somebody I know, just to have them drive by and test the question out.

How weird would it be for me to to that job???

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-o0o-

Seriously though.

I could explain my theory to local schools.  I could talk to the Gardee about it, and gain a clearance certificate that would back me up in interviews with parents, and propose to them a scheme that could keep children safe from harm.  All I’d have to do is drive up to the agreed child, and test it.  If it fails, I drive it around the block, give it a good lecturing and then drive it home.  If it passes, job done!

When I put the theory across to The Accidental Terrorist, he suggested that the same thing could be done with teenagers, from a drugs point of view.  Other people thought I should be sectioned.

But what of my dark and twisted friends of webland?  What do you think?

*Charles Darwin (no stranger to strange looks I’d imagine)

Bring on the comments

  1. Granny says:

    Parents would be more likely to hire you if you
    added a Granny to the proposal. Sort of sanitise the experience? So – fifty fifty, roight?

    One flaw! It is mostly men who inveigle little
    ones with sweeties???

  2. Sinéad says:

    I think it’s an awesome idea, genuinely.

    The issue I would see is that once you’ve approached one kid they’ll tell their friends and the rest will know to expect it – which is good in that they’ll learn but bad for business in terms of getting repeat business in an area!

  3. Holemaster says:

    There’s the danger of copy cat operators. There could be K8-a-likes everywhere all cashing in on your idea of pretending to kidnap little children.

    Hmm. This might need some more thought K8.

  4. Hmm not a bad idea at all. We all have to teach the chislers the importance of stranger danger. (simpsons term). Hmm now if you could try this little idea up here and see how the ahem rugrats will do in tis little social expermiment now that would make for interesting results. I would also love to say i love your picture on the dog he looks like your fella bless him.

  5. my avatar changed what is it and how do i look like. i look like a green vampire monster.

  6. Granny says:

    A copy Kate!!!!!

  7. K8 says:

    Granny; I’d have to inveigle a few daddy chaps onto my force eventually, but let’s not forget the Myra Hindleys out there on the prowl, dangerous creatures in soft disguises. Monsters are male and female, and can also be grannies, just ask Norman Bates.

    Holemaster; Yes but it’s not like I’ve invented the practice, I doubt they’re out there looking for a reason to prowl, they’re going to do it anyway! Also, my endeavours would be strictly underground with no name to refer to it… there’d be nothing to copy but the ghost of a rumour.

  8. Brianf says:

    Hmmmm!?
    At first glance it’s a good idea and a money maker too but what about the little Jonathan that doesn’t take to your speech pointing out his transgression and reports to his mother that you touched his pee-pee. In the blink of an eye you would go from do-gooder to child-sexual predator. My attitude is that when it comes to Other Peoples kids, just don’t do it!
    Other people are wierd and will mis-represent you without a second thought

  9. Willie says:

    Yep..’Round these here parts, this ole grandpa would be arrested and the key would be thrown away for such stuff.

  10. I’ll agree with you on this: My best ideas often come to me in the shower too.

  11. Jo says:

    Well, it’s cunning, I grant you that. You’d have to move around a lot though, kids are streetwise these days, they’d be wise to your game in no time.

    Disguises? Perhaps a lucrative sideventure in the supply of?

  12. Brighid says:

    Oh dear, get back in the shower and come up with another one!

  13. K8 says:

    Brian; You’re dead right, it’s the other people that are weird, not me!! Heheh

    Jo; Disguises so that the parents can do the job themselves?? Genius woman!!!

    Brighid; Ha! But I reserve the right to be strange and stinky. :-p

  14. K8 says:

    Gawd, HUGE apologies to you Sinead, Vicki and Willie for holding you captive in my spambox for so long, ye must be feeling pretty mouldy by now! I only hope the shmoker had enough stash to keep everyone warm :(
    Regarding the subject matter, I’m afraid I got bored with it and have moved on to training hedgehogs in the art of chess, instead. Seems more realistic somehow.

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