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Jul 16

How to be eaten

Posted on Friday, July 16, 2010 in Family, Humourarse

I’ve never been on a diet. Diets fall into that category of things that need willpower, but I’m happily squatting in the quitter section of the ‘life is too short’ category, close to the ‘fuck that!’ department. It’s happier over here where mirrors and doctors are banned.

I do have a Wii fit though, the melding of fitness and gaming is genius even if it does sit for months on end gathering dust. I used it to gauge my weight in my seventh month of pregnancy, just to throw it off guard a bit. It turned my avatar into a Pillsbury dough-girl and scorned my girth.

Then I used it again shortly after giving birth and realised that it’s not as stupid as it looks. It told me that if I wanted to, I could re-do the body test carrying an object, and it would give me its weight too… something like a pet, or a baby maybe?

So I did, and it congratulated me. I was impressed.

A few weeks later I re-took the tests, and after I’d bitch-slapped it for still claiming I was in the ‘overweight’ category, I found that thanks to breastfeeding, Sir Fartsalot had gained almost exactly the same amount of weight that I’ve lost. Ooooooh.

My child is eating me. I adore the chubbiness that is my thighs recycled.

Atkins my arse. The cannibalism diet is working well for me.


Bring on the comments

  1. Jo says:

    Oh dear!

    I can guarantee, K8, much as I love the weight dispersal that bfing brings, that there are still better ways to be eaten…

  2. Jo says:

    Ps… you know the cookie monster is not, in himself, cookie based. He’s a cookie monster cos he eats ’em, not cos he IS one…

  3. Granny says:

    24 hour Liposuction,will you swap him for a Dyson!

  4. K8 says:

    Jo; Wouldn’t it be lovely to be eaten by the cookie monster? He’s so delightfully enthusiastic!

    Granny; No way. Dysons suck.

  5. Baino says:

    Ha as if you need to lose weight, you’re a bean pole!

  6. I was going to ask if you rented him out so he could suck away a little of my cupcake belly, but then I realised… it’s a bit wrong…

  7. Jo says:

    Snort, K8, there’s a scary thought :D


  8. Breastfeeding served me well my first 4 children. Now almost 3 years after my last and fifth, I am still about 15lbs over weight, despite walking every night for over an hour. It’s disheartening- that an almost 2 hour walk down to Lake Michigan and back doesn’t even burn off enough calories to ward off a good sized chocolate bar!

    It’s because I am old, have no metabolism left, and I eat junk food like my life depends on it.

  9. K8 says:

    Baino; Tell that to Wii! They have me slap in the middle of the orange zone, the whacka.

    English Mum; You could come over on Wednesdays to babysit and give it a whirl!

    Jo; I bet you dream about him tonight. NOMNOMNOMNOMNOM. :D

    Michelle; But you’re so healthy! My diet consists of nothing but strong coffee and sneaky stolen smokes until 6pm… I’d be lucky to hit fifty at this rate.

  10. Jo says:

    K8! Smokes? Slapppp!!

    As to other, noone’s makes me do shocked-giggles like this in a long time :)

  11. Granny says:

    Michelle,it might be an idea for you to have
    yourPCP check the thyroid glands. It’s a simple
    blood test. mine had clapped out and for years
    I was gaining weight and all puffed out. My G.P
    has sorted it with a little suppliment!

  12. Granny says:

    jo,leave the poor child alone,sure her parents
    puff away. My parents puffed until they popped
    clogs at 86 years old. Gebus life is tough ya

  13. I used to smoke about ten years ago- still miss it once in awhile. Luckily I quit when I did smoking in the states costs an arm, a leg and maybe 2 or 3 more parts. Smoking is considered a grave sin here by uptight folks… I think it’s sad they won’t let people smoke in the bars anymore. On my nightly walks- I pass several bars and there is always a lone smoker outside and it just looks sad and silly.

    Granny- about the thyroid problem, if by that you mean my husband cooks nightly first rate meals that are worthy of better restaurants and laden with fat and salt. Yes I have a thyroid problem and I probably need some pills for it.

  14. Granny says:

    No Michelle,an underactive thyroid has naught
    to do the fat and salt,you were right about
    metabolism. As we age the auld thyroid just
    goes on strike!
    Sorry k8 for going off the point.

  15. K8 says:

    Everyone smokes in Spain. We should all move there.

  16. i have to say in fairness i have no will power when it comes to diest. i did try the atkins diet a few years back and after eating an either pig and 1 and half cows i felt quite ill and i havent been on a diet since. I do find for the best cardio workout is runing around after little people and taking the ever faithful dog for a run in the park. Now when i mean run i mean scambling around looking for shep while he tries to herd the birds the feathered kind of course. I have to say i love your cookie photo he looks quite simply yummy

  17. K8 says:

    There’s the chasing exercise you get when it’s coat-grooming time too… that’s fairly energetic!

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