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Jun 17

While my blog gently weeps

Posted on Thursday, June 17, 2010 in Family, Rantings

Sir Fartsalot, at the tender age of seven weeks has already surpassed his nine-year-old brother in terms of physical ability. 

I wrote that sentence a week ago and got stuck, couldn’t find the right thing to say after that.  One child is a novelty and eclipses the other where adoration is concerned and that’s hardly fair.  Writing about it, even thinking about it is unfair to Laughingboy, but I can’t help it.  It’s frustrating that he hasn’t progressed, hasn’t passed a single developmental milestone since he was a year old.

One has tiny nappies that make my boobs hurt with the cuteness of them, the other has giant nappies, the type they don’t bother to print pictures of Pooh bear on.  One child stares into space at vague impressions of shapes but cannot make any sense of them, while the other has already learned to fix eye contact and goo toothless pleasantries at his admirer.

They both flail their hands wildly in an effort to suck a thumb and gauge mild surprise when they accidentally whack themselves in the face, but one has learned that a set of knuckles is just as nice to suck on, while the other is content to grind, grind, grind his teeth instead.

They both scream for my attention.  One is screaming because of short term mammory loss, the other because he has a whole array of possible annoyances and is quickly becoming dependant, if not immune to pain killers because he can’t voice his woes.

They both have a sister who is slowly learning to live without my attention, but who will soon have the adoration of a younger brother who will hang on her every word and will leave his older brother behind on his hopeless island of developmental delay. 

It’s pointless moping about it all, and stating that usual bullshit about Laughingboy being the light, an angel sent from above with smiling eyes just doesn’t cut it, it just makes me sad when I hear other mothers of disabled kids say it.  We have broken children, I feel like telling them.  Let’s just say it.  Broken children with no future.

Except that’s wrong too.  Laughingboy has a purpose, a glorious purpose that will enlighten somebody or something in time to come.  Just because I can’t figure it out doesn’t make it not true.

People goo over my youngest son and tell me how lucky I am, and I agree.  They jokingly ask me if I wouldn’t like him to stay at this adorable age for ever, but to this I don’t react at all.

Bring on the comments

  1. Baino says:

    This is heartwrenching poppet. So lucky to have a perfect baby and so sad that Laughing Boy will remain one.

  2. Jo says:

    This is the stuff mothers of able children don’t say. we can’t empathise, we fear, we admire, we fail to be able to connect with you about.

    I’m in awe of you Kate, because your path is hard, hard. And you tread it so courageously. Just saying this is courageous, but I wouldn’t expect you to think otherwise.

    And I HATE when people say that about ‘wouldn’t you love them to stay like this forever?’ or when they express amazement about how big they’ve grown. Because it’s a bit of a stupid thing to say, really.

  3. And with all this, you’re somehow still able to write brilliant blog posts :)

    Such a moving post. Courageous is right.

  4. K8 says:

    Stuff like this is usually a real conversation stopper! Yay for cathartic blogs and sisterly messagings.


  5. You thought I was amazing for doing a little marathon, I think you’re Super Woman and a complete saint for what you do everyday being a mother.

  6. Martin says:

    Very affecting.

  7. shit woman.

    That last line got me.

    I used to say that about Boo, how I wished he could stay a baby forever.

    And then one day a friend looked at Boo and then looked at me and said ‘Be careful what you wish for’

    It is OK to be pissed. You are not pissed at LaughingBoy, it is obvious he is adored.

  8. Granny says:

    You are one of the bravest souls on the plannet. I am in awe at the way you face
    each new day with Laughingboy and the wee lad
    demanding boob in gallons.

  9. K8 says:

    “Endurance is patience concentrated” said this one bloke Thomas Carlyle. Dunno who he was but he sounds like a man I’d have a pint with.

  10. Brighid says:

    You said it, and said it well, bought time someone spoke up. I should have know it would be you.
    You do it with Love so Great and that’s all that really matters…

  11. I found your blog through twitter and this is my first time here.

    I have read quite a few of your posts now and I have to say you are very talented with the written word.

    I admire you. I hurt for you because as strong as you are and as well as you have accepted things, i am sure you are human and have your days full of pain.

    I don’t know whether this will help you but a few books I have read have really helped me cope with all kinds of things.

    The are “the evolution angel” by Dr. Todd Michaels

    and Your Soul’s Plan by Robert Schwartz.

    Hang in there. Sounds like you are an amazing person and doing an amazing job.

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