Posted on Tuesday, April 13, 2010
in Little known facts
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The one thing that’s very obvious about pregnancy is the gruesome. Films focus on the gunge and the pain, TV documentaries love to stress how horribly things can go wrong… they show husbands fainting, vomit inducing stretchmarking, hormonal shriekage way beyond banshee capability. Gore sells. Even friends and well-wishers love to tell horror stories about labour and pregnancy without much consideration for the woman they’re talking to, the person who is by now a mass of nerves for no reason at all. It’s very hard to take all of this with a pinch of salt.
This is a post about some of the good things, the great things, the things you crave for again once baby’s been born and epidurals are but a fading memory.
1: The Dentist. There is no better excuse not to go. Amalgam fillings aren’t generally a good idea during pregnancy unless there is dire need for them, so it’s best to wait until you’ve got your body back before visiting the surgery. So, the guilt at not making that horrible appointment is completely and beautifully absent for a whole nine months. The fact that the baby is in the meantime robbing all of your calcium stores should probably not be dwelled upon. Losing teeth isn’t so bad, one less to clean, eh?
2: Weight Gain. Eating for two. While health experts say that this theory isn’t necessarily true, it’s lovely to be able to eat six Weetabix followed by two apples, then two super-noodle sandwiches smothered in chocolate sauce, all washed down with three cartons of orange juice and NOT feel disturbed and gluttinous afterwards. A little voice obviously told you to do it, and I don’t mean the one your psychiatrist’s concerned about. Getting fat is fun, don’t try and tell me otherwise.
3: Hair. I’ve lost count of how many people have commented that my hair’s gotten all bright and shiny. It’s lovely. The reason is purely because pregnant women stop moulting so their hair becomes thicker, and the glands are slightly oiler than usual. It does what it’s told… its fringe stays on its best behaviour… bad hair days become a rarity. Of course it’ll start falling out in clumps once the baby’s born, but let’s cross that bridge when we get to it.
4: Hiccups. There is no bad mood, no amount of spilled milk, no gaping mire of disapointment that can’t be lightened instantly by a dose of foetal hiccups. The kicking is of course a thing of beauty, a welcome sign of life, but hiccups are something else entirely. After a bit of research I found that they’re not caused by a deficiency or abundance of anything in the mother’s diet, they’re just caused by a tiny diaphragm practicing wee breathing excercises, it’s owner probably wondering what the hell is going on. Think of the cuteness of puppy hiccups, but muffled deep down inside your body. Absolutely bloody amazing.
5: Drive. Thank God for gay men, I say. If it weren’t for gay men, there’d be no porn for women at all. No, we don’t want to see scantily clad men holding a mop or an iron suggestively, we want to see men perform gravity defying acts with their bits, thanks very much. Happily there are open minded blogs out there who have provided many hours of entertainment for hormone-laden horny pregnant women (think Phoebe and her Evander Holyfield phase) like myself… some links of fascination might be – Sex Is Not the Enemy, Youporn (obviously), Altporn.net, Boob.ie (Yay for those wimmin who embrace their inner lesbian!) and CarnalNation, for when you just need good old fashioned educating. Yes, I will indeed miss this part of pregnancy.
6: Lazy. Yeah, I’m lazy. Now I have an excuse. Get over it and make me some tea.
Did I leave anything out? I’m absolutely positively sure I did… another thing about pregnancy is that melted brain. It’s lovely having a temporarily shrunken mind, blokes have it so handy (;-p). Help a girl out will you and remind me?