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Apr 5

Smell ya later

Posted on Monday, April 5, 2010 in Family, Humourarse, Rantings

My pet hate of the day is the farting air-freshener.

TAT brought one home last week and as much as I bitched and moaned about his having been duped by Godawful fake smellies and the fact that the refills are thrice as expensive as the gizmo that farts them, he set it up anyway.

It’s like a big stupid white dildo on the shelf there, reminding visitors that we stink.

I hate it.

Whenever I walk into the room it farts at me.  This is okay during daylight, but at night it’s a whole different story.  I reserve the right to wander into the kitchen at 3am for my nightly fix of chocolate biscuits and milk without having the bollix scared out of me by a farting air-freshener.  It sounds just like a cat, hissing violently at me as I walk past.  It gets me every time.  Sometimes it sees me coming and farts directly into my eyes, scaring me and blinding me in one fell swoop.  Other times it waits until I’ve just passed it, then hisses at me behind my back, causing me to scream in blind panic in my sleepy state and whirl round jiu-jitsu style to face my combattant feline attacker.  Then I just feel stupid.

I moved it to the shelf above the TV yesterday.  That didn’t work, it just farted on my TV dinners.  This morning it got moved to the computer table and messed up my mouse’s mojo with its sticky effluent.

Tomorrow the farting air-freshener faces death by pressure cooker.  Pine fresh my arse.

Bring on the comments

  1. Grandad says:

    Ram it up TAT’s arse. They can fart in harmony.

  2. Jesus, you make me laugh…I hate those artificial scent things. They make me sneeze something awful…I used Febreze when I was smoking (but I quit), but now if things aren’t fresh and the weather is too poor to open the windows, I put lavendar essential oil drops (lemon is nice, too) on pillows and it does the job for hours…and doesn’t fart at you!!!

  3. Ugh, instant asthma attack. I’m with you, chuck it. When the house needs freshening up a bit, I go and wave around a dryer sheet and then leave it laying out.

  4. Baino says:

    Yep, be good to your environment and your soul, get an oil burner. No noise, nice smell! Bin it baby!

  5. K8 says:

    Grandad; Can the words ‘fart’ and ‘harmony’ really be used in the same sentence where TAT is concerned?

    Welcome Kerryfelter :) Yep, you can’t beat the essential oils for smellies. If only the dog would let me rub some into his coat!

    Fat Sparrow; What’s wrong with the smell of sour milk, rancid nappies and wet dog I ask you! Like working in stables, you get used to it after a while…

    Baino; Incense sticks are brilliant too… I’ve a very stubborn fella though, binning is not an option, for another will get bought. I’m toying with Grandad’s idea though!

  6. Holemaster says:

    I don’t those things at all. A vanilla pod will kill any fart. Well almost any fart.

  7. Holemaster says:

    Oh I found this on the floor….


  8. Jo says:

    Stamp on it Babe. They’re full of toxic chemicals that will end up in your (and your unborn child’s) systems. Check the box for how it says to only use it in a well ventilated area? Pff.

    Tell TAT to open a window, or get an essential oil burner. Or buy you some flowers and run the hoover round!

  9. Jo says:

    That’s a gross picture, by the way :)

  10. unstranger says:

    My local pub has three very big ones in the mens toilet. They provide a constant farting harmony background sound. Not for the home though.

  11. Granny says:

    Put a drop of lemon essential oil on a hot radiator and enjoy the results, even Grandad
    likes it!

  12. K8 says:

    Holemaster; Either you’re sticking vanilla pods in strange places, or your farts smell lovely. Either way I’m not sure I want to know!

    Jo; I get scolded for whining about chemicals in this gaff, the path I walk on was paved by a clean-freak doily lover, see. It’s hard to contend with that sort of perfection.

    Unstranger; Yep, this gizmo is definitely bog-bound.

    Granny; I knew there were no flies on Grandad for a reason :)

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