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Mar 30

I put a spell on you…

Posted on Tuesday, March 30, 2010 in Little known facts, Strange and Unusual, Taboo

One of the biggest things I missed about my next door neighbour when she moved away were the snippets of eyebrow-raising advice she used to dole out.  Given that witches never really speak about being witches, especially to relative strangers, I felt honoured that she’d envelop me into her circle of trust and tell me of her voodoo shenanigans.  After all, there’s a fine line between an open-minded person and someone who’s all too willing to go behind your back and bitch about what a weirdo you are, especially in Ireland.

She loaned me books about rituals.  She taught me how to make altars so that I’d have my own personal space to meditate in, a space that meant something only to me.  I learned amazing things. 

How to get rid of an unwanted live-in houseguest:

Place a witch’s broomstick in the hallway beside the door, and stick a fork into the bristles.  Within two weeks, the unwanted guest should be a thing of the past.  I may be rough on specifics… maybe the fork needs to be made of a certain type of metal, maybe the broom should be upside-down – it’s not really something I’d try, but her story amused me.  A friend of hers did this trick, and within two weeks was separated from her husband.  Turns out that she herself was the disruptive influence in the house and her leaving was the best thing that happened for everyone involved.  Eerie.

How to nab the house of your dreams:

Whether you’re bidding for a house, or hoping to inherit and battling with siblings, or maybe you just fancy the look of someone else’s gaff (I keep thinking of The War of the Roses for some reason), apparently there’s a fail-safe trick you can do to assure that pile of bricks will someday be yours.

Once a month, given obviously that you’re a female, you need to sneak onto the property, squat, and leak a few droplets of your own menstrual blood onto the soil surrounding the house.  I’m not sure what your alternatives are if you’re post menopausal, perhaps crones in covens stockpile menstrual blood in their freezers?  It’s an awfully personal question to ask.

I would seriously love to know if this actually works.  There’s a beautiful house nearby, a stone-walled three-storey haven surrounded by mysterious woody hinterland with an elaborate tree house just about visible to plebs like me who gaze wistfully from behind a steeringwheel as I pass by every day.  If I was caught mid-squat, I’d be scarleh, it’s not like I could pretend I had dropped a contact lens or something.  If anything I’d be looking at a two-to-five stretch inside. 

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It would be kind of worth it if not for scientific experimentation though.  Any takers?

Bring on the comments

  1. Okay, as a mildly witchy-type person you knew I was gonna have to chime in here…

    That fork thing? Much more effective if you stick it in to the unwanted house guest directly.

    And the getting a house thing? Start leaving tampons on their front porch, they’ll move.

    Mojo, shmojo, there’s no need to do a spell when you have practical solutions at hand ;)

    If you haven’t heard about the piss-and-pepper spell to get rid of unwanted neighbors, let me know. That one works like a charm, even when the landlord, the police, etc. couldn’t get them to move. Of course we ended up with shitty neighbors again, but what can you expect, it was the ghetto after all.

  2. Baino says:

    Well thanks for the long overdue tip on the house of my dreams. Bit late for menstrual drips! Haven’t surfed the crimson wave for 2 years now! Have you got a charm for selling a five acre block for $5 million? Now I’d give that a go!

  3. Granny says:

    My spell worked, not telling you the secret though!

  4. Jo says:

    Nice!

    Do you think you really have to squat? Couldn’t you just bring a dropper bottle?

  5. unstranger says:

    What about gender equality then? I think it’s discriminatory of witches to exclude men from this excellent bit of voodoo maneuvering.
    There’s houses all over the country could do with a bit of blood planting. NAMA are only going to knock them down.
    I want this challenged! We have to end this discrimination now.

  6. K8 says:

    Fat Sparrow – Piss and pepper trick please!! (Curiosity’s eating me up) Sounds like something on KFC’s menu…

    Baino- Oh I’m bugger all use there I’m afraid, bar suggesting you turn the land into a minor airport.

    Granny- Technically poisoning your parents goes under the ‘evil’ category, rather than witchcraft. Trust me, I’ve researched this.

    Jo- I’m not sure… possibly, if the dropper bottle has been blessed, and cleansed under the light of a full moon??? I can see the complications involved with squatting – nettles etc. Ouch.

    Unstranger- Valid point. The only thing I can think of that is unique to men with mystical properties is belly button fluff. This needs further investigation.

  7. Not much to it really, just piss and pepper, does what it says on the tin.

    Works fine in a bottle or what have you, mix them together and pour or sprinkle some around your neighbor’s entryway or doorstop or whatever. The usual dark of the moon and all that, wouldn’t want the neighbors catching you, heh heh.

    The Spouse Sparrow’s the one who’s good at those sorts of things, anything that calls for projection, so he was the one that went round. He was fairly miffed after we kept getting constantly threatened by our druggie neighbor.

  8. K8 says:

    Bizarre! And yet it worked? Hmmm…

  9. Well, it worked for the Spouse Sparrow. He’s pretty good at getting people to drop dead, too. And yet still no Lottery numbers :::sigh:::

    Of course that dropping dead thing may have something to do with the constant annoyance factor of the Spouse Sparrow when he’s irked. Raises the blood pressure and all.

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