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Jan 8

How to deal with tattoo dislikers

Posted on Friday, January 8, 2010 in Family, Rantings, Tattoos

Freezing Brass Monkeys.  What do you do when your kid’s stranded four towns away and you want him home safe, but can’t drive to him?  You drive anyway.

Eddie Blizzard had visited the night before… snow lay everywhere as though an over-zealous cake-maker had decided frosting was going out of fashion.  A cupful of salt and a lot of revving finally got me there and back just about, even if I did knacker the car’s clutch on the climb back home.  My boy was safe.  I had food and fuel, and nowhere else to be.  What more could a body ask for?

I very quietly patted the dashboard as I got out of the car, and thanked Betsy for being so reliable and promised to make a better effort to keep her serviced this year… I said it quietly because The Accidental Terrorist and his mates were hanging around and I’d like to keep my talking to inanimate objects just between you and me, to be honest.

A snowball pelted me in the ear.  A small pride of kids were hiding behind a snowy knoll and were ambushing the men who stood in the doorway to my house smoking fags and belting the odd half-assed chunk of ice back in the direction from which they came.  Puppychild stood in safety in the sidelines and giggled at the hilarity of it all.

I suddenly felt a snowman coming on…


Made to order. Can ship to Australia.

A half-hour later found me thawing the kids in front of a roaring fire and mopping misfired snowballs off the hall floor.  I heard a muffled thud and boyish laughter.  I peeked outside.

Our snowman decapitated, the gratuitous death of childhood innocence, it was pure carnage that lay before me.  The kid swung his stick back over his shoulder, and took aim for the midsection of my poor snow-dude.

“Oi!!!”  I sauntered outside in my teeshirt and wellies.  The kid froze, so to speak.  “What’s the story, bud – what did that snowman ever do to you?”  He dropped the stick and took a step backward.  He stood right into a pile of Wouldye’s crap, but you couldn’t tell because it was all covered in pretty whiteness.

I told him off for a few seconds, but it fell on deaf ears.

“Wat’s that on yer arm?” he asked, and pointed at my tattoo.

“It’s a tattoo.”  I said.

“It’s weird.”

“So’s your face.”  I said.

“D’you have other tattoos?” he asked.

“Yes, a few, but we’re getting off the point!”

“Why d’you do that?  Put tattoos on you?”  he wiped snot from his glowing nose… it froze instantly on his sleeve.

“Because if I get kidnapped and murdered and the murderer tried to cover up his crime, he’d want to chop me up, wouldn’t he?  He’d knock out all my teeth first, then he’d pry all my fingernails off with a monkey-wrench, then he’d further try to hide my identity by cutting my limbs off to dispose of separately.  By my tattooing as many limbs as possible, the murderer knows that disposing of my corpse would be a pain in the ass, see?  So… he’d come looking for somebody else, wouldn’t he?  Furthermore, if he’s watching me right now like all experienced murderers are (especially around here), he’s bound to choose you, isn’t he?”

The kid’s chin began to tremble.  He mumbled something about my being crazy.

“MOMMY?!!” he shouted towards a group of women in a faraway cul-de-sac.

“Your mommy can’t help you now, kid.”

He legged it, as fast as his Ben 10 booties could carry him.  I am heavily protective of my snowman.

To be sure to be sure, I found the patch of dogshit and began to roll it around.  I made a head out of it.  Then I replaced his smile and his cap and gave him a wink and blessed all who smashed his face in.

Bring on the comments

  1. Grandad says:

    There are times when I am proud to call you my daughter. You learned well.

  2. K8 says:

    There’s nothing wrong with being raised on the dark side.

  3. OMG, I love your reason you told the kid. I hope he tells all his friends. This is the stuff legends are made of.

    You can be the “crazy tat lady that lives down the lane…”

    Grandad: you *should* be proud!

  4. Grandad says:

    *glows with pride*

  5. Granny says:

    Granny O’Grimm is looking for an assistant!

  6. K8 says:

    Sixty; Ha!! Being coined ‘the crazy tat lady’ would be the bee’s knees!

    Granny; Yer doin’ grand as y’are!!!

  7. Rock on, girl. I would have gone with “I did it in prison with a dull needle when I was bored,” but yours is much more awe-inspiring!

  8. Baino says:

    Haha . . excellent snow. It’s been overcast here for my entire two weeks leave and now the sun starts shining. Your snowman wouldn’t last 10 minutes but might come in handy keeping the chardy cold! What a little dipshit! I’d have given him more than a good talking to the little bastard. Puppychild looks very relaxed with her new pal but I wish she’d put her mitten back on!
    Erm does that now make your snowman a shithead?

  9. You should get some food colouring and give Frosty a tattoo.

  10. K8 says:

    Fat Sparrow; You’re a genius… snowdude wouldn’t be complete without a shiv for a nose!

    Baino; The kid is part of a gang of little bastards.. it doesn’t pay to piss off a gang of little bastards in my experience, scaring the bollix out of them is more effective! Shithead… heeheehee

    JB; Ha! Good idea – no harm in tattooing the other snowmen in the area too, just to be sure. I could make a career out of this!

  11. firstly a bit huge aww i love the little one with the snowman she looks well impressed with her snow man. did you give him any names yet. Just amke sure alex twat reid doesnt try to break it apart. Hee hee. I would also like to say that not many people like my tats either and as i said to an ex friend of mine. I went thru the enjoyment and pain of getting my tats so if you dont like them than you dont like me so go and feck off. I have to say i love your tattoo on your arm i would love to get a design like that. Hmm lucky for me i have a good mate who is a tattoo artist so you never know. I have also told tattoo dislikers go and annoy some else they are like bloody trolls with nothing better to do.

  12. you know what also helps in getting rid of little shites like that away from mr snowman or any member of the family. The family dog always works wonders in these cases. Shep does has to bark and the little brats run for miles on it. hee hee i thought him that trick when he was a wee pup and it works wonders.

  13. K8 says:

    Wouldye’s useless. All anyone has to do is throw a snowball his way and he’s anybody’s!

  14. holemaster says:

    You’re a kick ass woman K8.

  15. Respect. I was once harangued at a beach bar by a lady who asked me why I ‘disfigured’ myself with tattoos.

    Wish I’d had that reply then. It’s so much cooler than ‘erm cos I like them’…

  16. K8 says:

    Holemaster; It was a kick ass snowman!!! :(

    English Mum; *gasp* The cheek! How do people think it’s okay to insult so blatantly?? I hope you at least told her she had a fat arse!

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