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Dec 23

Great expectations

Posted on Wednesday, December 23, 2009 in Family, Strange and Unusual

“You all think Christmas just happens. You think all this goodwill just falls from the freakin sky. Well, it doesnt! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So you can cook your own damn turkey. Wrap your own damn presents. And hey, while youre at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!”

Lois Griffin, ‘A Very Special Family Guy Freakin’ Christmas’


I went to a really lovely carol service last night, everything was frosty breath and little donkeys and talk of Bethlehem… but then I was discovered. Laughingboy drew attention with his chaffinch impressions… epic tooth grinding that even managed to drown out 250 voices all singing at once. In a bid for peace, at one stage I just stuffed his bib in his mouth to chew on. He looked like a kidnap victim, but hey.

Nice people started to talk to me and noticed that I was missing from their flock, but there are only a handful of ways that I can guild the fact that I’m just too damn lazy to go to Church with the kids on a Sunday. Sundays count for 50% of my weekly lie-in potential! Push it forward to lunchtime maybe and we’ll talk.

“Join us.”
“Yes, join us… you’re one of us now!”
“Join ussss!”

It’s difficult to do a legger when you’ve a wheelchair. They were all pregnant too… I touch my belly and wonder if this child will be born blue-eyed and blonde, despite the absence of genes to tell it to. If it is, I’m giving it to Brangelina.


Go and visit the Corner of Jocelyn Testes Harder. Hers is the kind of Christmas we should be having!

Bring on the comments

  1. Oh do i know its always the do gooders who want us to give up our sunday lie ins. Shep has this idea in this head if he crashes into people that are on the way into church he will get in and it will be fun alround. But i more or less told shep santa wont come to him if he keeping doing it. he has now stopped. i do my own god thing at home and you know what it does not involve me giving up my sunday lie ins.

  2. I just shat down my own chimney K8..Oh boy , its gonna be a loooongg night !!! LOL
    Merry Christmas to you to Kate, and a Happy and safe New Year…Keep up the great writing!! Peace !!
    -The King Of New York Hacks

  3. unstranger says:

    That’s more like the Santa I recall:-)

  4. Jo says:

    Try giving him some magnesium. I’m really interested to see if it makes any difference!

  5. K8 says:

    Vicky; While I’m all for the home-worship thing, there’s a lot to be said for the community effort… meeting people you wouldn’t ordinary meet, y’know? Can’t help but feel that there are things I’m missing out on. I’m pretty sure that’ll pass though!

    High fivez to the King! Thanks for dropping in dude, Happiest of New Years to ya!

    Unstranger; Lucky Santa poo is so flammable, eh?

    Jo; I keep making the mistake of talking to pharmacists!! They keep talking me out of it, saying there’s no evidence, etc… dangers of neural damge from overdose, blah blah.
    I need to do a bit of weight ratio and R.D.A. mathematics, not to mention find a form that I can grind up or liquidate – but you can be damn sure it will be tested once that’s done!!!
    I’ll let you know what happens…

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