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Nov 26

Ten things they don’t warn you about before you get pregnant… #1

Posted on Thursday, November 26, 2009 in Little known facts

(#1 #2 #3 #4 #5  #6 #7)

Thrupenny bits

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Yes, I mean those two girly lumps stuck to the front of you that you’ve grown to know and love… from the early weeks of duff’ness, they develop their own personality altogether.  Welcome to the anomaly that is alien pregnancy boobs.

You may notice at first that the straps of your favourite dark and lacy number suddenly dig into your shoulders and leave deep tracks where there never were before.  Then the rest of the bra suddenly begins to tear under the strain of growth… they threaten to spill their contents on every bend-over… they create a weird muffin-effect that makes your chest look like it’s perpetually frowning.  Time to go shopping.  Not only for a new cup size, but a bigger (horror!) chest size too – we need to make room for all that rib-growth and baby weight, don’t we?!  Katie Price, eat your heart out.
(Scroll to the end of the post to see an amazing pair of tits*)

High beams

Don’t even start me on the raspberry ripples… you could pad that bra with re-inforced titanium and those things will still find a way to poke through and stare at passers-by.  Full beams, baby… get used to woolly sweaters.  If the darkening of their colour doesn’t alarm you, their sudden sensitivity will… it’s like somebody came along one day and re-wired them completely.  If you have fillings in your teeth, and have ever accidentally experienced the sudden shock voltage of chewing tin-foil accidentally, you’ll have an idea of what an brief brush with those nipps feels like.  Electric shocks, when you least expect it… takes a lot of getting used to.  This does of course also have its advantages, but that’s for a whole other post.

There are ways to ease the boob situation of course, that you don’t always find in books.  If you don’t want to roll over and trap a nipple under your elbow while you sleep; thus making you hit notes that Kiri Te Kanawa herself would be jealous of, wear a bra to bed.  This over-the-shoulder-alien-boulder-holder also helps to stop the formation of shuddersome stretch marks that never go away, and gives you something to put cabbage leaves into when things get overly hot and stuffy in there.  Yep, a good bra is your best friend, and so is that lovely lady in the lingerie shop that will fit you out properly… when your thrupenny bits are in order, that’s a quarter of the battle of pregnancy sorted, right there.   Oh – and stay away from tight white tee-shirts… because you just never know what might leak, or from where.  That panic you feel when you realise that things have gotten so bad even your boobs need nappies – that’s normal.  It’s not pretty, but somebody’s got to do it I guess.

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*…there’s nothing quite like the sight of nuts nestled between lovely tits.

Bring on the comments

  1. Baino says:

    Don’t forget the old ‘wool fat’ to avoid chapped nips! (I have other tips for more ‘intimate’ areas)
    And my mother lied.
    She said that if I breast fed it would keep the girls perky and in form . . I’d fling one in her general direction if she was still alive!

  2. holemaster says:

    Yeah, eh, er, em, ehhh.

  3. Granny says:

    What lovely tit’s, you should reallly set them free, fresh air is what me Mammy recomended!

  4. K8 says:

    Baino; I’ve never heard of wool fat! There was an excellent ointment named Chamomilla on the market which is sadly gone for some reason now. Perky and in form – heehee – and pointing in random directions!

    Holemaster; Yeah i know… there’s nothing quite like nature to put you off your cornflakes.

    Granny; I dunno, they’d probably be classed as lethal weapons- I have a black eye after yesterday’s shower.

  5. Note to self: reason number 99 for not having kids!

  6. Jo says:

    Wool fat = lanolin = Lansinoh, beloved product of midwives.

    My bf counsellor friend says she’s moved on to Green Baby Nipple Balm. BUT I have a giant tube of Lansinoh I’ll never use (well, maybe on my feet if I was motivated enough) if you want it!

  7. Kirk M says:

    An udderly hilarious post, K8. I’ve got to get Laurie to read this one, she’d appreciate it being the veteran mother of 5 kids that she is.

    And if you run out of wool fat I can send you over a genuine, Vermont made, can of Bag Balm (since 1899) to sooth whatever ails ya’.

    No, I’m not kidding. People use it too.

    Can’t wait for installment #2.

  8. i really do enjoy reading your posts especially with a hot latte with my irish cream flavour shot in it and while little sheps resting by my feet. Thats a great post by the way. i cant wait to read the next one. Lets hope you will be going into the weird wonderful world of strange pregnancy cravings. Any one fancy a pickled gerkins and mars bar sandwich. A friend of mine spend whole whole pregnancy eating those sambos. Or do you fancy my favourite its marmite and cheese sandwiches hmm they are so nice to have. Although i am not expecting it makes for good student comfort eating.

  9. Granny says:

    Golly gosh! Kirk, your Laurie is some Woman!!!

  10. Kirk M says:

    @Granny – Yup. You can believe it! Very happy she keeps me around (and vice versa). :)

  11. K8 says:

    Jenny; You’re going to love reason number 102.

    Jo; There’s always burger grease from the grill-pan… old-skool style.

    Kirk M; Thank you for your kind offer to post me some gunge… you wouldn’t believe how long it’s been since a bloke has said that to me.

    Vicky; Thanks for the inspiriation!! May try Cheese and Onion Crisp and Marmite sandwich with a glazed melted Mars Bar dip next…

    Granny; This from the woman who birthed an Eleven Pounder?! Go wan ya good thing!

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