Posted on Wednesday, November 11, 2009
in Family, Strange and Unusual
There’s nothing like a bumper shopper to make a dull task more interesting. You know that other person who just randomly happens to start their shopping experience at the exact same time that you do? You get that awkward laugh as you both find you need to weigh your broccoli at the same time… you gaze over their shoulder to see which baked beans they prefer out of sheer bored curiosity? Maybe both of us have children who, without any need for introduction, choose to play hide and seek together. That’s a bumper shopper.
Today I got one of those rare nemesis bumper shoppers… they’re much more fun. She annoyed me when she didn’t say ‘thanks’ as I held the door open for her. She pushed past me to get the better pick of the trolleys. My mission throughout the shopping trip is therefore to piss her off in return. There are so many ways to do this – dropping tubes of KY jelly into her trolley when she’s not looking, or maybe I might use her temporary absence to shake up one of her bottles of soda to exploding point. Maybe I’ll snap open a tin of sardines and drizzle some fishy oil through the innards of her handbag while we’re queueing or poke my finger through the cling-film on her juicy steak chunks so that blood trickles through her shopping and onto her stupid shoes, it really depends on my mood which will be highly volatile until roughly April next year.
Pregnancy is a good enough excuse for anything… technically I could murder someone now, and get away scot free! For now it’s mainly being used as an excuse to watch porn and eat enormous amounts of toffee ice-cream and raw chilli (all at the same time). Hey… anything to distract me from unhealthy vices is good, right?