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Nov 11

Mind the bump

Posted on Wednesday, November 11, 2009 in Family, Strange and Unusual

There’s nothing like a bumper shopper to make a dull task more interesting.  You know that other person who just randomly happens to start their shopping experience at the exact same time that you do?  You get that awkward laugh as you both find you need to weigh your broccoli at the same time… you gaze over their shoulder to see which baked beans they prefer out of sheer bored curiosity?  Maybe both of us have children who, without any need for introduction, choose to play hide and seek together.  That’s a bumper shopper.

Today I got one of those rare nemesis bumper shoppers… they’re much more fun.  She annoyed me when she didn’t say ‘thanks’ as I held the door open for her.  She pushed past me to get the better pick of the trolleys.  My mission throughout the shopping trip is therefore to piss her off in return.  There are so many ways to do this – dropping tubes of KY jelly into her trolley when she’s not looking, or maybe I might use her temporary absence to shake up one of her bottles of soda to exploding point.   Maybe I’ll snap open a tin of sardines and drizzle some fishy oil through the innards of her handbag while we’re queueing or poke my finger through the cling-film on her juicy steak chunks so that blood trickles through her shopping and onto her stupid shoes, it really depends on my mood which will be highly volatile until roughly April next year.

Pregnancy is a good enough excuse for anything… technically I could murder someone now, and get away scot free!  For now it’s mainly being used as an excuse to watch porn and eat enormous amounts of toffee ice-cream and raw chilli (all at the same time).  Hey… anything to distract me from unhealthy vices is good, right?

Bring on the comments

  1. What some people won’t go through to have any excuse to torment others in the supermarket, tsk tsk.

    Oops, did I say that aloud? I meant, er, CONGRATULATIONS!!!

  2. Martin says:

    Well, well, well!


  3. Hey, congratulations! What an unusual way to announce your pregnancy – I almost missed it! Though now I think back to reading about your emotional doggy moment, it all makes sense! :)

  4. Congrats chicken!

    So one more child in the world… thats another reason to add to my long list of reasons not to have kids.

    I’ll babysit for ya…will except baked goods in lieu of money.

  5. Nelly says:

    April is a divine time to have a baby. Congratulations.

  6. Hails says:

    Congratulations, K8! :) And I am so glad I am too far away to ever risk being in the supermarket at the same time as you…

  7. No freaking way! I like how you slid that in at the end! :)

    Congrats gurly! And, congrats to TAT as well! :)

  8. Thriftcriminal says:


    Had me a nemesis once, middle aged uptight dude got bent out of shape because I sighed loudly as I overtook his slow progress through the sliced meat section. It ended with a stand off beside the bog roll where he informed me I was “heading down the wrong road”. In suggested he find someone blind enough to give him a ride so he might friggin relax a bit, so he asked if I was gay. I think he sounded hopeful.

  9. Darragh says:

    Congratulations K8!

  10. Caro says:

    Congrats, great news!

  11. K8 says:

    Susan; Heehee thanks! All the sweating, heartburn and perineal stitches will be totally worth it just to see the smugness wiped off a complete stranger’s face!

    Martin; Cheers! Somebody has to re-populate this kip after the recession exodus I guess.

    Jen; Bang on! Yes, it’s an emotional rollercoaster around here, apologies in advance. Damn hormones.

    Jelly Monster; I’m terrible at baking, but can vow to GET baked with you once the ordeal is over?

    Nelly; Thanks – yes it is, it’s nice and springy… I’ll be lambing with the rest of the neighbours around here!

    Hails; Oh no, it’s okay, I never pick on the good looking people.

    Jefferson; It’s a difficult thing to announce… after all, now you know what I’ve been up to to save on central heating bills – awkward or what?

    Thrifty; Thank you :) There’s nothing like a bit of sexual tension in the paperware section, is there? Especially where cold meat is involved.

    Darragh; Thanks very much!

    Caro; Cheers! It’s scary news… having been through the process before, I feel true fear for my nethers. Ugh.

  12. get BAKED?!! hell yes! we’ll get Maxi Cane to babysit ha ha ha

  13. Baino says:

    God I thought I’d missed something. Congratubloodylations, I think! Or sucker for punishment, I’m not sure which! Yeh, I’d definitely go for the embarrassing product plant and watch her squirm at the checkout, denying that she needs it.

  14. Grannymar says:

    Whoo Hoo! I am delighted for all of you! Now don’t you go bumping into me! I might have to reactivate my crutches. ;)

  15. ahh congratulations kate i am so happy for you. shep also says congraulations i his own way of course by wagging his tail and barking.

  16. Holemaster says:

    You’re up the Damien?

  17. K8 says:

    Jelly Monster; Nah, they’ll be fine with a bucket of KFC for an hour or five I’m sure.

    Baino; Sucker for punishment. I’m okay with that though, I was running out of challenges!

    Grannymar; For the good of the nation, I’ve decided to stick to internet shopping from now on.

    Vicky; Thank you! High fivez to the Shepster.

    Holemaster; Yep, all Duff’d up and nowhere to go!

  18. Jo says:


    I love this post.

    Stay away from my handbag…

  19. […] of the more astute of you may have noticed that there is an impending release of Grandad […]

  20. Robert says:

    Wahay! Congratulations to you an TAT!

  21. Belated congrats!

    And remind me not to piss you off! Sheesh, I thought I was bad…

    Also, Himself wants to know how this will affect your Mafia Wars status.

  22. Darragh says:

    Aww, congrats K8, delighted to hear it!!

  23. Thriftcriminal says:

    I think it was Willie O’Dea, same height, ‘tache and attitude.

  24. K8 says:

    Jo: Are you kidding?! I love your handbag.. it’s a mecca of curiosities! Not that I’ve been looking… dammit. Snared.

    Robert; Thanks! TAT was happy until he heard some gorey symptoms. Oh yes… this time he’s getting every damn detail.

    Fat Sparrow; Thank you :) Tell himself that it was going to the mattresses that got me into trouble in the first place!

    Darragh; Cheers dude, gotta do my bit for Ireland, eh?

    Thriftcriminal; Yes but would you really kick him out of bed for eating crisps?!?

    Unstranger; I hope so – watch out for me on the Irish version of Supernanny!

  25. Thriftcriminal says:

    Salt n’ vinegar or cheese n’ onion?

  26. K8 says:

    Monster munch sandwiches!

  27. Himself says he will send you extra mafia energy packs and possibly mafia ice cream and pickles.

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