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Aug 25

Who says football isn’t entertaining?

Posted on Tuesday, August 25, 2009 in Humourarse, On the box

I’m in a sitting-room with five men, our bellies full of battered cod and chips, our glasses full… the telly’s on and a reminder suddenly pops up on the screen to tell us that ‘Match of the Day’ is about to start.  Half of us cheer, the other half are of no discernible opinion.

Various tense moments of recent soccer matches play out to choruses of groans and ‘oooh’s and ‘yay’s from the lads, and I bite my nails.  I wait for Manchester United highlights to hit… I wait for my moment.  I am prepared.

Gary Lineker waffles as the screen changes and Man United appears for the highlights.  I watch the body language of the lads carefully and wait to pounce.  A dude runs towards the goal with the football along the outside of the field, he passes it to his buddy in the middle, who passes it back to the first bloke, the ball gets closer and closer..

“G’WAN!!!”  the lads shout in unison.

Several defending lads try and fail to grab the ball, it gets closer and closer to the net.  Nearly…

“PASS IT!” scream the lads.

The goalkeeper starts to look nervous.  Nearly…

The ball only a few feet from the net, my time has come to screw things up.

“Hey lads, isn’t there a bloke on this team called Dimitar Berbatov?”  I ask coyly.

“Yeah s’right” their eyes remain glued to the screen, their attention un-broken.

“Is it me or does that name sound like someone’s farted in the bath?!?”

I sit back with satisfaction as wine is ejected from nostrils and the goal on the TV is entirely missed while grown men giggle like schoolboys.

Ha.  Fart humour.  Gets ’em every time.

windass

Dean Windass.

It’s like shooting fish in a barrel.

Bring on the comments

  1. GrowUp says:

    That’s about the only way it might be entertaining. Bunch of ponces poncing about on a pitch. Give me a compound bow and a good supply of arrows and I’d make the game entertaining.

  2. warrior says:

    You should try coping with ARSEnal who have ARSEne Wenger as Manager and ARShavin ( arse shaving?) as a striker…
    How could you be so blasphemous to Man united? :-)

  3. Brianf says:

    Soccer? Soccer isn’t a real sport. It’s a game. Try a real sport like Baseball. There are no fart jokes in Baseball. Actually there probably is. I’ll have to look into that.

  4. hiya

    I have to say that i dont like football at all. they are too much into their own fake world of mopney and fake tan and i am just talking about the girls the boys dont even get me started on them. Ireland has not had a good team since hmm i would say 1990 but i could be wrong though. I will give you the best one yet i was watching ireland playing australia a few weeks back and the soccoraroos kicked irelands ass. I have to say it was a great game i was backing the roos to win and they won of course. So all in all it was a great night and it did want me to go to the back bar in dublin so i can bags me an australian hunny. i have to say i hate football but i love rugby and australian rules football and i love the sydney sharks.

  5. K8 says:

    Grow Up; Or a few craftily hidden patches of quicksand :)

    Warrior; Arshavin?!?! Poor f*^ker.

    Brianf; You’re less likely to get away with slagging a baseball player though, they’re tougher than the nancies you find on football pitches.

    Vicky; I’d be a fan of rugby too if it wasn’t for the forced watching of ex-boyfriends’ rugby games in the pissings of rain and arctic winds back in the day. That completely killed the sport for me!

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