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Aug 8

Better to understand a little than misunderstand a lot.

Posted on Saturday, August 8, 2009 in Rantings

This blog’s owner is out of sorts.

There’s a violin in it’s case in the attic that can remember the elation of passing a 6th grade exam with honours, but only barely. There’s a box full of watercolours and brushes and inkpads in the spare room that gets kicked around from time to time, but never opened.  Notepads full of first chapters lie discarded and ready to be re-cycled, and this blog dozes in between superficial entries that don’t really mean anything.

A family get-together last weekend resulted in a weird boy/girl divide that confused me terribly.  The boys went out on Friday night while us girls stayed behind to watch some awful chick-flick because that’s what we’re supposed to do.  The girls went out on Saturday night and sat twiddling our hair, comparing manicures and spoke of saving for tummy-tucks.  I don’t have manicures, I don’t see the point in wasting thousands on plastic surgery, I don’t have a handbag to boast about.  I sat quietly wishing I was playing poker with the boys back home, until my tongue was softened by whiskey and got me in trouble.  Materialistic women not only don’t know they’re materialistic, they don’t want to be told that they are, either.  Ooops.

So, while I got some high-fives from the boys with red credit cards back home, the girls now intensely dislike me.  I belong to neither group, and I’m wondering exactly what people mean when they say you should be honest and be true to yourself.

It’s like the name my mother wrote on the label of my knickers is so worn, I can’t read it anymore.  I can make out letters, but they don’t make sense, they’ve been washed too much and I can’t remember what they said.

It feels too easy to stay at home all the time in the dark, all alone with my Xbox and my familiar comfort zone that I know and love, rather than go out and hear and experience the same things over and over again.  Unhealthy, but at least I stay out of trouble.

Is this what it means to be thirty?  If the twenties are there to be enjoyed in a devil-may-care sort of way, are we automatically programmed to change on our thirtieth birthdays into a self-effacing wreck?  Difficult questions are surfacing, like… What’s left to come and what have I left behind and what is the point if there’s any at all?

I’ve been zapped back to a playground, standing on my own in the middle of a myriad of different groups and types of people, trying desperately to figure out which one I belong to.  It’s like puberty all over again.

Maybe now’s the time to try the Goth phase I evaded last time round.  Now… where did I leave my fishnets?


Bring on the comments

  1. Granny says:

    Join a writers group,meet other imaginative folks! There is no either or, as in poker with the lads or hanging out with the handbag brigade.Take one big leap into the unknown, hold your nose and jump…..

  2. Ah sweetie, don’t beat yourself up. Although I love girly pink and sparkly stuff, I feel intensely awkward in groups of girlies and am really much happier with my family or just in one to one situations. I’m heading towards my forties (6 months! Argh!) and I find I’m just more accepting of myself these days. Sometimes we just don’t seem to fit our own skin, and yet it’ll pass. At least you’re honest and facing your difficult questions head on.

    And I bet they don’t dislike you at all. I bet they all wish they were you – the beautiful girl who doesn’t giving a shit about trivia and plays a mean game of poker! xx

  3. Kirk M says:

    Be who you are K8. That’s why we love you. Otherwise Granny and English Mum said it all.

  4. Brighid says:

    We need you just as you are. Having been down the same road, rather be gathering cattle, than shopping, but I’ve quit worrying about what the material girls think. It is a bit lonely at the top

  5. GrowUp says:

    Hah! General story of my life, I’m a perennial outsider. In my experience it’s not just about being oneself, it’s about suiting oneself. If you find the standard stuff a bit daft, look elsewhere. There’s plenty of people kicking about that don’t fall into the category you describe (while the number that do is mildly alarming). Tummy tuck eh? The modern version of purging at the roman orgy, the rot has set in.

  6. K8 says:

    Granny; But wouldn’t that involve getting up off my a&$£?

    English Mum; Aw, thank you sista :) I still can’t figure out whether it’s a glitch caused by the thirtysomething phenomenon, or a general annoyance at being segregated just because I have boobs and a high pitched voice. The divide is so five decades ago!

    Kirk M; :) But I want to be an Indian princess, dammit!

    Brighid; It doesn’t feel like the top! It feels like somewhere dingy under a bridge somewhere!!

    Grow Up; That number is pretty alarming, considering the way the world’s going. Maybe it’s just a type of addiction, an avoidance system. What has Prada ever done for us? (Besides the aquaduct)

  7. GrowUp says:

    Let them at it, they’ll be the ones slow to adjust when it all collapses. They’ll sit around staring at their prada handbags wondering how it all went wrong while the rest of us get on with the lower levels of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

  8. unstranger says:

    Growing up doesn’t stop just because you reached a specific birthday; it goes on till you stop breathing. Get used to it and fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke :-)

  9. Brianf says:

    Well I say the hell with the handbag crowd. Go do and be with whomever you feel comfortable with

  10. Kate says:

    I’m afraid I won’t be much help here as I am the same sort of person and couldn’t change even if I wanted to – which I don’t.

    I am a ‘man’s woman – I love male company and they love my company. Certain females become my friends but very few, and they are usually the sort of lady who loves the company of men!

    Not for us the knitting circles or Tupperware Parties – we can’t raise the enthusiasm!

    Its not an illness so you won’t get better – you just have to enjoy it!

    I’m still happy with it in my mid fifties and the phrase I have used all of my hippy life falls from my lips daily:

    ‘I would rather be selling bumper stickers than be somewhere wishing I was somewhere else’

    You go girl!!! Enjoy the poker the book will wait until you have the energy!

  11. K8 says:

    I figured it out! It had nothing to do with birthdays after all… it was the full moon – no coincidence. I keep forgetting to stay indoors to contain the madness.

    Thank you so much for the wise words!!!

  12. Holemaster says:

    You belong to you! You would never bore someone to death. That alone is something to be proud of. I get on well with both sexes yet feel repelled by the stereotypes of both. I am very much an in the middle person in many ways. One example is that I’m from a very mixed middle/working class background and I never felt comfortable in either. So I stopped giving a shit. It’s working very well for me.

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