Posted on Sunday, March 15, 2009
in Arty Farty, Family, Strange and Unusual
Being a mother is not a glamorous thing by a long shot.
Laughingboy has issues with his lungs but he rarely complains about it. Instead, from time to time he’ll develop a nasty pool of mucus in there and will begin to choke on it in a pretty alarming way. Most of the time he can handle it himself and will evict the gunge nicely onto his shirt-front, but occasionally he needs help. That’s where the suction machine comes into play.
This is basically a pump which sucks mucous out of my son via a long tube, and deposits it into an airtight bucket. It’s very loud and very scary to people who aren’t used to this sort of thing so it’s great for freaking out unwanted visitors and the like. The problem is that because it’s generally used in panicked situations involving a choking child, I keep forgetting to empty it.
I used it today and noticed that the bucket was almost full to capacity and hadn’t been emptied in quite a few months. It was sort of pulsating, much like the psycho-reactive goo as seen on Ghostbusters II, only it wasn’t pink, more of a brownish green sort of shade. I’m picturing germs in there all swimming around smoking doobies and shagging like crazy and producing genetically superior germ children who in turn have done the same. Generations of mutated gunge waiting for that special day when the bucket gets opened. That day was today.
I popped the bucket open but the lid got stuck and the green and brown gunge sort of splattered on my hands and around the sink a little bit. I emptied the rest down the toilet, and remembered with dismay as I flushed, that I probably should have put the toilet seat down. Millions of teensy super-germs all over the place, floating around like all their Christmases have come at once. I swear I heard them cheer as I inhaled them.
I washed the bathroom. I showered. I bathed the kids and bagged my clothes and then went to make dinner.
The reason I know that this bacteria is genetically superior, is that normal bacteria takes roughly twenty-four hours to incubate in the human body before first symptoms of illness begin to show but today, today they appeared within two hours. I sneezed eight times in a row (all over the oven chips) and came damn close to Nirvana. My throat closed and seems to have pulled the back of my eyeballs with it for they look like two piss-holes in the snow and are streaming uncontrollably. My head hurts. Oh how my head hurts.
I think I may have Bubonic Plague, but it could be my imagination playing tricks. Either way, lesson learned.
Hypochondria by MichaelO