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Mar 15

Revenge of the Mutated Gunge

Posted on Sunday, March 15, 2009 in Arty Farty, Family, Strange and Unusual

Being a mother is not a glamorous thing by a long shot.

Laughingboy has issues with his lungs but he rarely complains about it.  Instead, from time to time he’ll develop a nasty pool of mucus in there and will begin to choke on it in a pretty alarming way.  Most of the time he can handle it himself and will evict the gunge nicely onto his shirt-front, but occasionally he needs help.  That’s where the suction machine comes into play.


This is basically a pump which sucks mucous out of my son via a long tube, and deposits it into an airtight bucket.  It’s very loud and very scary to people who aren’t used to this sort of thing so it’s great for freaking out unwanted visitors and the like.  The problem is that because it’s generally used in panicked situations involving a choking child, I keep forgetting to empty it.

I used it today and noticed that the bucket was almost full to capacity and hadn’t been emptied in quite a few months.  It was sort of pulsating, much like the psycho-reactive goo as seen on Ghostbusters II, only it wasn’t pink, more of a brownish green sort of shade.  I’m picturing germs in there all swimming around smoking doobies and shagging like crazy and producing genetically superior germ children who in turn have done the same.  Generations of mutated gunge waiting for that special day when the bucket gets opened.  That day was today.


I popped the bucket open but the lid got stuck and the green and brown gunge sort of splattered on my hands and around the sink a little bit.  I emptied the rest down the toilet, and remembered with dismay as I flushed, that I probably should have put the toilet seat down.  Millions of teensy super-germs all over the place, floating around like all their Christmases have come at once.  I swear I heard them cheer as I inhaled them.

I washed the bathroom.  I showered.  I bathed the kids and bagged my clothes and then went to make dinner.

The reason I know that this bacteria is genetically superior, is that normal bacteria takes roughly twenty-four hours to incubate in the human body before first symptoms of illness begin to show but today, today they appeared within two hours.  I sneezed eight times in a row (all over the oven chips) and came damn close to Nirvana.  My throat closed and seems to have pulled the back of my eyeballs with it for they look like two piss-holes in the snow and are streaming uncontrollably.   My head hurts.  Oh how my head hurts.

I think I may have Bubonic Plague, but it could be my imagination playing tricks.  Either way, lesson learned.


Hypochondria by MichaelO

Bring on the comments

  1. Brianf says:

    What a great post. I felt like I was with you through out the day, especially the throat closing, eye sucking, heavy leaking, sneezing part. One question. If the germs and their genetically superior spawn are swimming around wouldn’t their doobies get wet and be hard to light? Do you think maybe it’s some kinda’ germy water-proof ganja and if they’re smoking weed-particles then where do they buy their chips and pretzels and microwave burritos?

  2. susan says:

    Good heavens, what a tale. Next time instead of tossing the bucket contents down the toilet, take it to the Dail: you’ve got some excellent (and cost-effective) biological weaponry there.

    Meanwhile, I hope you’re feeling better very soon: mums and carers don’t *get* sick, you know.

  3. Kirk M says:

    Strangely enough I now all about these little gadgets. And you’re right, they make a hell of a racket. Scares the be-geezus out of anyone not prepared for it.

    Among my many other so-called ‘talents’ is several years servicing medical equipment and the suction is just one of the wonderful little gizmos I had to deal.

    I feel your pain. I’ve felt your pain.

    I’d try what Susan suggested if not…

    Suggestion: Empty after every use. Less chance of the little critters getting organized that way.

  4. Baino says:

    A couple of MONTHS! Jesus girl! Its a wonder it didn’t walk out and wash itself!
    Nasty business . . .please don’t ask me to dine at your place!

  5. GrowUp says:

    I go barf now, k?

  6. K8 says:

    Brianf; I think when they get the munchies they probably skip the burritos and just eat the weakest children instead, like they do in Bray.

    Susan; You’re a flippin’ genius. I’m thinking a super-soaker water gun might work a charm.

    KirkM; The design is a bit antiquated though, you’d think they’d involve a baggie inside that one could dispose of hygenically?! No wonder the hospitals are in bits.

    Baino; Eating at our house is very good for the immune system! I hate emptying the gunge bucket so I leave it for as long as possible… one epic clean out is far preferable to twenty small clean outs, y’know? If you smelled the stuff you’d understand. Eeep.

    GrowUp; I bet you could use the stuff as plant fertilizer! Mutant cabbages anyone?

  7. Kirk M says:

    I have to admit that there doesn’t seem to be a great deal of quality or improvement that goes into the design on these things. The earlier models were better in my opinion. Quieter and the pump was of a much higher grade than what’s offered now. The container was a disposal type too.

  8. K8 says:

    I wonder is there some sort of disinfectant tablet or something that can be put in the bucket before use? Something that wouldn’t involve explosions, that is.

  9. Holemaster says:

    Jesus Kate. That’s sounds woeful. I’ve no stomach for that kind of thing, fair play to you.

  10. Ugh! You had me right there with you then!

    Also, I love the lamb that’s appeared down the side of your page.

  11. K8 says:

    Yay to Absynthe upgrades and comment threading!!!

    The lamb is representative of seasonal yumminess. It also reminds me of my friend who, with a car-load of kids after visiting a farm in lambing season asked of the farmer: ‘If you cut up a lamb into loads of bits, how many of them would I fit into my freezer?’

    None of the kids even flinched. That’s got to be a good thing.

  12. K8 says:

    They’d put hairs on the hairs on your chest, would them.

  13. Lol!

    hmmm… I’ve been thinking about the possibility of changing my colour scheme etc according to the season… but I like the idea of posting representative pictures instead (apart from anything else, it seems a lot more straight forward!)

  14. Jo says:

    God, Kate.

    Hope you fight it off fast.

    I can totally see you in a Ghostbuster suit, now, powering into the Dail, Supersoaker at the ready.

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