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Feb 6

Still just a rat in a cage

Posted on Friday, February 6, 2009 in Family, Humourarse, Philosophy, Rantings, Strange and Unusual


I woke with it this morning out of the blue, an uncontrollable hatred for everything.  A coffee stain on my pillow.  TAT playing his Xbox live and chiming out random macho statements, cursing in front of the kid while she patiently waits for the use of the television.  Puppychild has drawn a picture of a queen with scribbly hair and oversized eyelashes and a big ‘M’ on the front of her dress… she proffers it up to her daddy and he just grunts, it’s breaking his concentration.  I want to break his fucking face through the plasma screen.

There is a troll with gnarly knuckles grinding his teeth inside my ribcage and it won’t let me enjoy the beautiful day outside… instead it makes me sweat and itch and it shows me the unpacked boxes and piles of clothes and dirty dishes and it tells me that I’m a worthless person and I want to swallow drain-cleaner just to feel a different emotion, even if just for a few minutes.  Blind panic and sleepiness, balled-up energy festers with no discernible function, like a plasticky mess left over from a volatile chemical explosion.  Pure useless rage.


What exactly is the point of P.M.S?  How is it constructive in the grand scale of reproduction?  I’m picturing a woman standing at the mouth of her cave, blindly wielding sticks and rocks about and screaming abuse at passing strangers.  Only the hardiest of men would fancy applying for access to those ovaries.  Maybe that’s it? Perhaps by going slightly mental once a month, it prepares a mate for the turmoil to follow… the anguish of a screaming colicky baby is not for the fainthearted, neither is the sweet smile of its mother and the perkiness of her lovely boobs, for a wicked demon with a stash of verbal hand-grenades hides underneath.  The best mate, the strongest man will know to wait it out, to pat it on the back until it burps, to wait out the storm and know that the rough must come with the smooth.  No pussies need apply.

It’s quite clever really.  It’s like I say to TAT… just because I have PMS it doesn’t mean you’re not a gobshite.

Bring on the comments

  1. Good old smashing pumpkins.

  2. Maxi Cane says:

    That’s it.

    I’m claiming PMS for men, we’ll sort this whole thing out.

  3. holemaster says:

    I went out with a girl once with awful PMS but she was such a moaning cow I never noticed the PMS.

  4. Jack McMad says:

    What’s the difference between PMS and CJD?

    One’s Mad Cow’s Disease, the other affects cattle.

  5. Queenie says:

    Why does it take four women with PMS to change a lightbulb?


  6. holemaster says:

    Where does the expression “She’s in her flowers” come from?

  7. I am absolutely using “oranges” next time herself goes that way…

  8. Brianf says:

    No comment left for fear of unreasonable, vitriol retaliation.

  9. Good theory. That almost makes it seem evolutionarily useful… I can’t quite get behind it though. PMS is just so UNFAIR! I always fall out with Dave before I realise what the problem is. And then I realise I’m in that regular week of hell so I analyse whatever it was that was annoying me and discover that no, he really was being annoying. I think he must be getting PMS for me! Certainly can’t be my fault…

  10. K8 says:

    Thriftcriminal; Gotta love grunge on days like this.

    Maxi; You can’t HANDLE the PMS!!!

    Holemaster; Ha ha! Smartarse.

    Jack Mc Mad; I wouldn’t know. I’m a flamingo.

    Queenie; One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS……..

    Holemaster; Excellent question. Possibly something to do with rose petals and certain stains being red…mumble mumble mumble. Must do a friend poll and get back to you on that one.

    Xbox; What you want to do is form a circle with your thumb and forefinger, show it to the missus and say ‘GRRRRR!’. That’s the international sign for a vicious circle.

    Brianf; *Throws shoe at head*

    Jenny; Yes. PMS is the disease of over-thinking. And it’s NEVER our fault.

  11. Baino says:

    If men had PMS, the federal government would allocate funds to study it. Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability and there would be a public holiday holiday every 28 days. Get desexed! Worked for me.

    I went to a Smashing Pumpkins concert a few years back and they replaced the lyric with “Roo in a Cage”

  12. susan says:

    God’s purpose in giving us PMS is so that we don’t grieve too much at the menopause. Similarly, Her purpose in making our teenage kids such impossible gits, is so that we don’t collapse but rejoice when they leave us.

    This is how we know that God is a Woman, because she cares so much about our feelings to prepare us for what could have been our worst moments. She loves us.

    And She says, that yu’ll be fine in a day or two, if you eat enough chocolate.

  13. K8 says:

    Haha! If they did that over here it would have to be “Donkey in a cage” and that wouldn’t work so well.

  14. K8 says:

    Susan – *snif* That’s beautiful :’)

  15. Jo says:

    Poor K8! I hear your pain sister.

    And I’m afraid that TAT is being more than a gobshite. Is he your husband or your teenage son?

  16. TheChrisD says:

    TAT playing his Xbox live and chiming out random macho statements

    My favourite kind of Live player :)

  17. K8 says:

    Jo; Ah he’s only a gobshite on PMS days. Sure I’m an even bigger child yet.

    The ChrisD; Ha! Youz two should get online for a macho face-off! I’m surprised they let him away with cursing so much though. Some 12 year old somewhere is getting a full lesson in Irish vocab and nobody seems too worried!

  18. TheChrisD says:

    I don’t think they’re worried because they get most of their vocab. from the 10 year old American kids…

    My tag is my name, if he wants to “size me up” :)

  19. K8 says:

    Jeez. I don’t even know me own fella’s tag! Father Whassisname will make me say three Hail Marys for that at the Accord meeting!

  20. I tend to think of Brigid when a woman says it’s her time of the month. Then, I quietly run away.

    “JD quietly slips away on a crisp moonlit blogosphere night.”

  21. Nick says:

    Some people would say men just get PMS all the time, but in their case it’s called being a typical crotchety, grumpy, uncooperative bloke.

    Ooooh, Nick, that’s so unfair to us blokes, wot are you, one of them radical feminists or something….

  22. Quickroute says:

    us men have to suffer the wrath of pms and the fear of pms – that in itself is enough pain

  23. K8 says:

    Jefferson; Yes but you’re the embodiment of Primrose Oil (in it’s most masculine sense of course). It’s really hard to get pissed off when you’re around I’d say.

    Nick; Oh yes, men get their flowers alright. I’ve mapped TAT’s… his appear roughly once every two months. It’s an absolute nightmare when we coincide!!!

    Quickroute; I hear you. But isn’t the angry sex worth it?!

  24. I find Evening Primrose Oil works a treat, with a red wine chaser and an optional Valium.

  25. […] K8 the GR8: Still just a rat in a cage […]

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