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Nov 29

An experiment which involves lace and farming equipment.

Posted on Saturday, November 29, 2008 in Humourarse, Little known facts, Philosophy, Something to think about

This post is an experiment, borne of curiosity and a deep-set worry regarding the condition of my hormonal balance.

Problem:

Upon visiting Red Lemonade’s site, I found a link to a ‘Blog Gender Analyzer’, entered my blog address and discovered that I am in fact a man.   This troubles me deeply, as I had not noticed my manhood before, the whole childbirth thing threw me off scent just a tad.  Irregardless, I scored a whopping 76% in favour of the testicular division, and found myself reaching for the Black Bush (not metaphorically, silly,  the whiskey!) to help me ponder this fact.  I have to take it seriously, you understand.

Solution:

I will attempt to girlie my blog up a bit in order to re-align myself.

Apparatus:

Girly words.  I cannot put pink pictures on my blog because I hate pink.  I think the default colour for girls should be orange.

Method: 

The writing of a potentially tedious post about wedding dresses:

-(o)(o)-

What’s all the fuss about?

I announced rather bravely recently that I’m getting hitched in April.  The fact that I’ve done sweet Fanny Adams about this since kind of worried me a little bit, so I decided to take the plunge and start looking for wedding dresses… that endless mire of advertising was daunting, it seemed like an epic task was about to follow. 

100% bogroll wedding dresses: source

The first place I looked up was Oxfam Bridal on South Georges Street in Dublin.  The website had all the contact information I needed, but no pictures of dresses in stock, and a rather alarming plea for desingers to donate samples.  I pictured a room with three or four dresses, dog-eared and stained from a night of untold pleasures – I expected to find reams of net curtain in one corner with a measuring tape and some pinking-shears.  I fixed an appointment by email which was answered promptly… I felt welcome and I grew curiouser.

As soon as I’d dropped Puppychild into playschool on the dreaded day, I threw the taxi’s roof-sign on the car and zipped into town in the bus-lanes (naughty K8).  The shop was easy to find, but was in disguise as a regular Oxfam store which held all the familiar knick-knacks and unwanted treasures and that ever curious home-ish smell.  There was no sign of ‘Oxfam Bridal’ bar a poster.

I was greeted and ushered up some stairs hidden in a back room which opened up into a large open plan filled with whiteness.  It was the Davy Jone’s locker of wedding dresses and it was far prettier than I expected.  A peculiar thing happened in my brain and something clicked – a sudden urge to wear a princess dress decked with diamonds and lacey bits and pretty white ribbons woke within me, an urge which I’d completely forgotten about. 

I was suddenly three years old again.

I tried on two dresses.  The first was simple, but had a see-through coat which owned a flowing trail instead of the dress, and apparently I couldn’t mix and match this pretty coat – it belonged to a dress more suited to Bette Midler who I most definitely ain’t.  *sigh*  Oh well, move on.

The second was everything I didn’t think I wanted.  I can’t describe it here or post pictures of it for fear of jinxing the TATster, but when I climbed into it and wrestled with its many layers and got all laced up and tweaked and fiddled, it just… became something else.  My jeans and jumper suddenly looked like a discarded skin on the floor, the shell from some old life. 

A princess with unbrushed wind-swept hair stood before me and the sight caught my breath;  I felt like Sarah, that character in the Labyrinth when she finds herself thrown into an unexpectedly beautiful but slightly disturbing scene, except that I certainly didn’t want to go smashing any mirrors anytime soon.

“This is the one.  I’ll take it.” 

I couldn’t stop staring at the pretty image, it felt like it was made for me.  It suddenly occured to me that I should look at the pricetag!  Here we go!  It’s that typical story… the catch. I wondered suddenly how far I was willing to rise above my €500 limit and searched nervously for the tag.

€375 it read.  This money would apparently buy goats for a family in Africa and a rake of books for schools and some farming equipment too, I think.  This is a brand new dress we’re talking about here, with many many layers of prettiness.  A perfect dress, for €375.

Random Fact…  apparently they get a large volume of men buying wedding dresses in this shop.  Do with that information what you will.

Oxfam Bridal is a blessing.  I know there may be an element of luck in this story, but seriously… what’s all the Wedding Dress fuss about?  I laugh in the general direction of those ladies who fork out €2,000+ for a Wedding frock.

I laugh all the way to Thailand and back.

-(o)(o)-

Conclusion:

*re-entering of updated webpage into Gender Analyzer*

We think https://cackaloo.com is written by a man (92%)

Experiment failed.

Bring on the comments

  1. downsdad says:

    Yeah. I caught the Genderizer at my cyberpal om’s (http://observationmode.blogspot.com/2008/11/gender-bender.html) and, despite having the friggin’ word DAD in my blog title, it seems I’m actually a woman. So, erm, here’s the idea, Mr K8. Who’d you say you were actually getting married to? Cos it seems to make a warped kind of sen-

  2. Baino says:

    Oh bugga the genderanalyserythingamebob . . .you found a DRESS! I love weddings. Wahey! Lucky duck and a good price too. My best friend made mine which was some years later dyed blue and worn as a Medieval outfit. (Something said right there!) GAH! It was a Vogue Pattern! I think it’s shoved in the dressing up box with the French Maid and Tellytubby outfit. Go you good thing!

  3. Nick says:

    You think you’ve got problems? Apparently I’m 86% female, though knowing my acute gender dysphoria that hardly surprises me. In fact I’d be far more shocked if I was 86% male.

    There was a woman on TV the other day who couldn’t afford an extortionate white wedding because of the credit crash so she looked on ebay and found a fabulous wedding dress for next to nothing. And it looked a lot more stylish than some of those £2000 jobs. She got the wedding rings on ebay as well.

  4. Jo says:

    Brilliant, brilliant, good work on the dress! I think you just might be a clothes horse. Genius idea.

    I don’t know what to say about being a man. It has its perks, I suppose, reversing and the like. Being unaware of stuff? I have to say, I did mistake you for a woman, so you’re clearly straddling the best of both worlds.

    Reaching for the Black Bush, haaaa.

  5. Hmmm. I go 77% bloke rating. I worry that this is less than your second rating.

    I’m still a bloke.

    I checked.

  6. Grannymar says:

    Worry not, we all need a little maleness in us – how else could we understand them! ;)

    Delighted about the dress, you did very well price wise.
    I had my outfit for a couple of months before my wedding. I rolled it in a ball stuffed it in a weekend case and threw it on top of the wardrobe!

  7. Have they anything in my size, with an undercarriage….

    “We think http://xbox4nappyrash.blogspot.com is written by a woman (62%).”

    Me too buddy, me too.

  8. K8 says:

    Downsdad; !!! Where did you go? You fell off your perch mid-sentence there and I’m dying to find out what the question was!! Come back!!!

    Baino; I’ve been searching for years for a dressing-up box :) I have all the outfits scattered to the four corners but can’t find a dacent trunk to put them in. French maid? ;)

    Nick; Eep. Forgot about ring shopping. It seems there are articles about cut-cost weddings in every newspaper and magazine these days, I hope this Oxfam place catches on, it’s nice that the pittance paid goes to good use.

    Jo; Might wear white Doc Martins with the dress to balance things off a bit :)

    Thriftcriminal; I checked too, but apparently my girly bits aren’t team players. They seem to be on their own which is slightly worrying.

    Grannymar; This is true, it’s good to have the inside scoop! You rolled your outfit into a ball?! How brave :)

    Xbox4NappyRash; Dresses have very impressive scaffolding tricks these days… I think a nice bustier with puffed sleeves would suit you :) I’m bowled over by your rating – just how many times is the word ‘sperm’ mentioned on your blog?!?!

  9. Tinman18 says:

    How are gonna persuade TAT to wear that white suit?

    And what does this -(o)(o)- mean? Are they boobs?

  10. jen says:

    Gotta say, I loved trying all the dresses on, even though I’m more of a jeans and DMs type girl. Something weird went off in my brain and suddenly I was flouncing around the shop dramatically in a Gone With The Wind style hoops-and-frills affair shouting ‘As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again!’

    Sensible shopping pal talked me down from getting that one but it was a close call.

  11. Tinman18 says:

    It says there’s a 77% chance mine is written by a woman.

    It has tinMAN in the bloody address.

  12. I now feel SO much better.

  13. Kate says:

    Thats how you are supposed to feel in the ‘right’ dress. And how brilliant that you are helping others!

    I’m not trying the gender thing – my son has called me an honorary bloke for years!!!

  14. Congrats on the dress, K8. :)

    Dammit! Apparently I need to turn up the testosterone in my post.

    jeffersondavis.us is written by a woman (55%), however it’s quite gender neutral.

    Wonder what they’d say if I used the word, “C*nt” in every sentence? :)

  15. K8 says:

    Tinman; In my opinion, white suits just scream for a food-fight, and this -(o)(o)- is a bra. It’s a prop to garnish up the girlie.
    I think they ignore the ‘MAN’ bits in people’s names, TinMAN… WoMAN… it’s too close for comfort, see.

    Jen; Pity poor ‘aul Jordan doesn’t have mates like yours!

    Xbox; Smells sort of heads or tails-ish to me.

    Kate; It’s nice being an honourary bloke though… I feel special being privvy to the REALLY filthy jokes.

    Jefferson; No don’t do that. It’d be offputting in a description of beautiful scenery in your photographs… ‘The c*nting robin alights on a spade’… it kind of murders the effect ;)

  16. Jo says:

    I”m only 68% female I thought I’d be a lot higher, what with all the pink, and pictured of women breastfeeding. What am I losing percentage to masculinity for? See, I’m so female I can’t even do the simple subtraction!

    I wish I had the silhouette of the lady though. She’s like me in my dreams!

  17. Medbh says:

    Great deal, K8.
    My wedding dress cost $300 in 1994.
    Cheap.
    Then my younger sister asked to have it for her own wedding, but instead she threw it out during a move.

  18. Kate says:

    That’s true and the invitations to join the lads for a pint! Much nicer than a make up or underwear party…..

  19. K8 says:

    Jo; She has a bit of a gimpy knee though, AND she has no arms. I’d say you’re far better off as you are ;)

    Medbh; *gasp* Nooo! You must’ve been livid!?! I hope it found its way to a good home.

    Kate; Yes I would definitely prefer a poker game over an Ann Summers party any day. Cringe.

  20. Ooh jealous. Is it worth me going too? I don’t want anything white or meringue-like, mind you. I just KNEW you’d end up with something completely different than what you had in mind. Us tattoed girlies reckon we’re ‘ard but we’re pussycats really!

    Oh and:

    ‘We think http://englishmum.com/ is written by a woman (68%)’

    Only 68? It’s bright fucking pink fer gawd’s sake!!

  21. K8 says:

    Look though!

    Gay Jamieson
    Tel: 028 9145 8726
    Or call into the Oxfam Ireland shop at 32-36 Main Street, Bangor, Co. Down BT20 5AG

    Somewhat closer, innit? Have a mooch, you won’t be sorry. I didn’t find any white converse high-tops in there though, dammit! ;)

  22. Jo says:

    I can’t tell if Peter and Katie are real or dollies in that photo. Seriously, is that actually them, real humans like?

    Creepy.

  23. Quickroute says:

    glad you sorted out a dress but shouldn’t ya be wearing a suit after the test results?

  24. OOh, great minds think alike. I’m thinking sparkly high tops!
    Or even sparkly pink high tops… I had a moment when I thought gold sparkly cowboy boots, but then I got better 8o)

  25. TheChrisD says:

    We think http://www.thechrisd.com is written by a man (86%).

    Huzzah! Success.

    I was half-expecting it to say it was written by a woman…

  26. http://www.zappos.com/n/p/p/7461586/c/169449.html

    Don’t think there’s a high top option but still. Drooooool

  27. NaRocRoc says:

    I did the gender analyzer thing. I’m a bit insulted and sad at the results…

    “An error occurred”

    Should I be worried?

  28. K8 says:

    Jo; It might be taken in Mdme Tussauds… they do look awful waxy now you mention it. I’d say they needed a hefty steel pole stuck up her waxy arse to hold that crown though. Jeez.

    Quickroute; Apparently so. Mind you Eddie Izzard can pull it off so why can’t I?

    English Mum; Excellent find! They’ll do for the dancing!!

    NaRocRoc; Does that mean you’ve invented a whole new gender? Cool! What’s that like?

  29. Holemaster says:

    My sister and Peter Andre have something in common. They both spent last Christmas in Jordan.

    K8, I read the first bit and then I saw a blurry kind of picture thing with dresses or something and then I…. just….. kinda……. tried…. but…..

  30. Kelley says:

    Doing a good deed AND looking hawt! Awesome.

    And the postscript made me squeal with laughter cause of the whole XBox4NappyRash being a woman…

  31. Lottie says:

    Oxfam dress shop – that’s a great idea. the idea of spending over 1k on a dress that you will only wear for one day is just ridiculous.

    In the past few days I have went from 93% male to ….oh no..still 93% male. Time to write about periods and chick flicks my thinks.

  32. K8 says:

    Holemaster; Imagine having to write it! *yawn*

    Kelley; All this genderbending confusion!!! I blame Sellafield.

    Lottie; So are we gay men in a woman’s form? This is too confusing, I’m off for a pint. *belch*…. *scratch*.

  33. K8 says:

    Da Chris D got trapped!!!

    Sorry mate. Congrats on your secured masculinity, though I’d be careful… the use of the word ‘Huzzah’ could seriously drop you a percentile or two.

  34. Gender analyzer?

    Yeah,right.

    Fair dues to you for exercising dress sanity.I once saw a friend of mine throw off years of surgeon training and cool objectivity in the time it took to try on two dresses.

    It was madness and it was contagious. I had to flee.

  35. Kirk M says:

    You must promise to post pictures of your wedding then, so we all can see the princess (that was there all along, by the way).

    If I manage to get to Ireland in April (which looks like the only way I’ll ever obtain a copy of Grandad’s book), mind if I come to the wedding? I’d like to kiss the bride, shake the hand of the groom, give Puppy Child a hug and tell silly jokes to Laughing Boy.

    Okay then, what do I need for a bribe? :P

  36. K8 says:

    Hangar Queen; Yep, that’s why I went to the cheapest place first – wallets are not sympathetic to girlish fancies, no matter how hardened we are.

    Kirk M; Good grief, man, be careful. If you turn up at this wedding I’m worried you might tempt me away from my duties! ;) You’d be more than welcome, we’d be honoured to see you – your flight fare will not be wasted as you will find out when you see Grandad dance the funky chicken!

  37. Kirk M says:

    K8,

    I’ll show up before the wedding then and you can work it out of your system (seriously now, what would you want with a fifty year old decrepit that remarkably resembles a tall, thin Cockney grave digger?).

    …Grandad dance the funky chicken!

    I’d rather not actually, thank you very much. Spending time with you and your clan and having a few pints together well be more than worth it.

  38. K8 says:

    You have a way with words that a lass like me is unaccustomed to from Irish men! You could teach TAT a thing or two over a few pints, most certainly :)

  39. Kirk M says:

    Really? Irish men are blind then?

  40. Kirk M says:

    TAT’s going to absolutely despise me by the time I get there I’m thinking.

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