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Nov 17

Talking shite…

Posted on Monday, November 17, 2008 in Family, Jobs, Rantings

This seems to be my week for receiving filthy letters!

As you might know, I’m anxiously awaiting a letter from the Co. Co. to tell us that there is a brand new shiny key to our new house sitting on somebody’s desktop somewhere, waiting to be collected.  We got a letter this morning, but it wasn’t addressed to me, it was addressed to TAT, and bore the council’s distinctive post-mark on the envelope. 

I don’t open other people’s letters or read their diaries,  the guilt of knowing something I shouldn’t know can be a bitter thing, especially if it ruins a surprise at the end… but this!  This letter sat on the coffee table, full of promise, loaded with the future… my fingers itched.  I did my best to ignore it, to be patient, I distracted myself with an array of pointless household tasks and made several cups of coffee which only made things worse.  Sitting on the edge of the couch, my senses tingling and my foot incessantly tapping, I decided to do the bold thing and simply live with the consequences.


The excitement was unreal – The white tip of the letter inside gleamed at me like the tip of a new life… a life free from snot-nosed children, from nosey (all too closely related) neighbours, from small-minded absurdities!  I pulled the letter free of its envelope slowly, I savoured the moment.

The print gleamed – a short letter, brief and to the point – my heart did a small hiccup as I began to read…

A Chara

We have received a complaint that you have a dog which is allowed to go out onto the estate and go to the toilet and that this is not cleaned up by yourselves.

I would be obliged if you could contact me to discuss this situation.

Yours sincerely,

Jane Smith

I collapsed on the couch, my emotions plummeted and hit the carpet with a heavy thud.  Part of me was delighted that Wouldye had finally exacted revenge for the countless piles of anonymous kitten crap that had been deposited on the various rugs and duvets in my household, for the piss-stain that was left on the corner of my couch by my next door neighbour’s dog, for the money wasted on pretty flowers for my front garden that had been ripped up unmercifully by my neighbours charming children.

The rest of me… the rest of me was very bitter indeed.

We spend hours trying desperately to contact the council, to contact the one person who knows anything about our new house… we wait for days – no, weeks – for some sort of coherent reply.  We chase our tails constantly in the effort to find somebody in the council who won’t pass the buck, but if they have a complaint about us?  That’s a different story altogether.  Immediate action must be taken.

Immediate my ass – no… immediate Woudlye’s ass!  They can wait.  Let Wouldye carry on with his dirty protest!  For now, I leave the buck with him.

I always watch the dog, on the rare occasion that he’s let out onto the road to mark his territory, my plastic bag is at the ready in case he takes a dump in some unsavoury place… but it seems that some shite slipped past me somehow.  If somebody should knock on my door and point this out, I am always only too happy to come and collect!  It’s my duty, after all.  What annoys me is that this particular somebody didn’t knock on my door – they complained anonymously to the council instead, presumably meaning that they went and picked up Wouldye’s crap themselves… a martyr to their own doorstep.  That, presumably, is what they’re into. 

This is my stance from this point forth.  I shall not stir the shit like my anonymous neighbours, instead I shall bag it and leave it on Jane Smith’s desk.  Or in her shoes.  I might even put some into her shredding machine.

My name is K8 the Gr8 and I’m an annoying neighbour.  For God’s sake, get me out of here.

Bring on the comments

  1. Well, I must confess I shopped our neighbours for the same thing. However that was after repeatedly asking them not to allow their excuse for a dog (I hate king Charles Spaniels, they are of the same useless ilk as pekineses) to shit on our lawn as I don’t relish my kids poking their fingers in it(the kids were smaller then). I got no joy despite waving my poo-laden shoe under her nose on one occasion, so I reported them. Worked a treat. Now I just need to deal with the cat that thinks my raised beds are a lovely big letter tray. I think a spring loaded snare should do.

  2. susan says:

    Yikes. First of all, Good Luck getting that shining key, as soon as possible!!

    Second, you have my sympathy. Your letter was like my birthday yesterday: full of happiness and expectation until my husband crashed into it and ruined it, 15th year in a row. (Speaking of turds….)

    Go get ’em, Wouldye!

  3. Granny says:

    Are you taking the shite piss again?

  4. Queenie says:

    Write one back complaining about the dirty little urchins that are allowed to roam around until midnight!

    It’s probably mini-knacker poo they’ve slipped on not wouldeyes!

  5. K8 says:

    Thrifty; I sincerely wouldn’t blame you for going above heads if you’ve alredy tried approaching the culprits (or their owners!) directly…. I’d do the same thing. I am, however, very impressed by the fact that cats in your neighbourhood have letter-writing skills? *giggle*

    Susan; Oh no, I’m sorry to hear that :( Happy belated birthday, here’s hoping next year’s better… set a bear-trap maybe?

    Mammy; It’s the council that’s extracting the urine, not me.

    Queenie; Probably!!! It’s not like Wouldye’s crap is easily identifiable… to my knowledge it’s not like he sticks flags in it afterwards. I’ll be wanting photographic evidence if the other parties want to take things further! Otherwise this letter’s getting filed under the ‘Bin’ category.

  6. Ha! Poor typing? Or maybe an excessive deposit of curly letters :-)

  7. Baino says:

    It’s biodegradable waste for crying out loud! We have a dog (not mine) that is very good at tipping up sulo bins on bin collection night. One phone call from a neighbour and he’s locked in the pool enclosure for 24 hours during garbage night. No need at all to go to council especially if they’ve identified the dog. And you’re right, seems so petty when you’ve waited so long for your new house. How come mounted police don’t have to clean up their horsey poo? Sorry, random thought re the hypocrasy of it all.

  8. K8 says:

    Dog shit is horrible. I’d argue its biodegradableness, what with the fact that dog food is meat and introduces the whole e-coli aspect… it’s nasty stuff indeed.

    I’m deeply embarrassed by the fact that my dog has shat on someone’s property so would be only too GLAD to go and pick it up.

    Sadly, because I don’t know where the complaint came from and hence where from I should remove it, the point is moot.

    Ironically, now that a third party has been involved, I no longer give a shit. Wouldye does though. Good for him.

  9. Quickroute says:

    Send the letter ‘return to sender’ and add Wouldye best chocolate mouse signature

  10. Sorry K8, that’s, er, …well, … shit.

  11. Apparently we no longer see grey and white dog poo because they stopped putting ash in dog food. There now, a “nugget” of information.

  12. Kelley says:

    My neighbours dog shits in front of my letter box and sleeps in my garden.

    I am going to copy this letter and send it to her.

    Cause apparently we are the freaky neighbours.

    Only the most awesome of us illicit that kind of reaction babe. See it as a compliment.

  13. K8 says:

    Quickroute; Poo post… hmmm, I like it.

    Xbox; It is kind of crap, alright.

    Thrifty; Now that you mention it, there is a scarcity of good old porcelain poo around! Thanks for ‘clearing that up’.

    Kelley; *sigh* letters are so last week, though. Go for a modern day ‘Grandad’ approach – a dirty protest – take a 9 iron golf club to the piles and aim in the general direction of the neighbour’s car! :)

  14. jaysis some people have no life. So who neighbour is is poo poo duty watching tonight. God some people are idiots. i remember ages back i got a letter from the council saying that i was having loud music and doing raves every weekend. Hmm i wish i say to myself sometimes by the way how does a 60 something woman organise a rave my poor old mum she cant even blow a whisle let alone have a bloody rave.

  15. Warrior says:

    Stuff it take pictures of all the dogs, get your own dogs shite and lab test it. The write a letter asking how they know it’s your dog? Put a piece of any old shite in the letter and ask them if they know where it came from…….oh can I please have the key to my new home!

  16. K8 says:

    They put the numbers on my new house today. We got an odd number. I’ve always lived in an odd number. Strange, that.

  17. sorethroat says:

    Sorry to encroach on someone elses thread!!

    …… to cut a long story short. I fell out with my neighbour of 10 years 2 years ago, over the children.

    I moved out of my house and carried on paying mortgage etc as planned on renting it out. In the meantime my neighbour has got a dog. On returning to my old house over the last 6 months the dog has regularly been allowed in my garden and another 3 neighbouring gardens, as if they are his own. (neighbour has allowed his fence to fall down around the whole of his back garden) I have tidied up after this dog on a number of ocassions but don’t see why I should. The other week I contacted the council about it, they are now involved and have told my neighbour he should pay half of the repairs to the fence (I would pay the other half) the neighbour has tonight been extremely abusive and threatening towards me.

    Should I have bit my tongue and done/paid for the repairs myself?

    Is it reasonable to allow your dog to run amock around someone elses’ garden and poo everywhere – have I just acted OTT?

    ……I understand that I could have approached them re the fence, however i know from experience (hearing him row with other neighbours etc) that he is not a reasonable man. There have been times when my children have been in my garden and he has let his dog out, and he (the dog) has run straight into my garden and growled at my kids. He makes no effort at all to get the dog back.

    Would the police really be interested? – I am not a big fan of the Police tbh.

    What legal routes are open to me?

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