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Nov 6

Medical News: Blog author responsible for mental health decline

Maxi Cane, also know as Maxicane.blogspot.com, is a dangerous website, according to recent clinical findings. It is involuntarily read by nonbloggers, lingers in the brain hours after web browsers have been shut down and can cause or exacerbate a wide range of adverse health effects, including shock, sexually transmitted diseases, and a severe lowering of I.Q.

Secondhand reading has been classified by the Mental Unified Protection Prevention Ethics Treaty (MUPPET) as a known cause of ignorance in humans.

Secondhand blog exposure causes panic and premature brain atrophy in children and adults who do not read Maxi Cane’s blog.  The blog contains subliminal messages, including pornography, defamation, bad taste, photographs of Madonna and nasty suggestions as to what you can do with ‘yer ma’.

Secondhand reading causes approximately 3,400 cases of pink-eye and 22,700-69,600 losses of higher brain function in adult nonreaders in the world each year.

Nonreaders exposed to Maxi Cane’s blog at work are at increased risk for adverse health effects. Levels of secondhand cynicism in restaurants and bars were found to be 2 to 5 times higher than in residences with blog readers and 2 to 6 times higher than in office workplaces.

Since 2007, 70 percent of the world’s workforce worked under a Maxi-free policy, ranging from 83.9 percent in Ireland to 48.7 percent in the United States.   Workplace productivity was increased and absenteeism was decreased among former readers compared with current readers.

Secondhand reading of Maxi’s blog may also cause buildup of bullshit in the frontal cortex of the brain, resulting in 790,000 physician office visits per year.  Secondhand reading can also aggravate symptoms in 400,000 to 1,000,000 children with an existing pre-disposition to sarcasm.

In the United States, 21 million, or 35 percent of, children live in homes where residents or visitors read Maxi Cane’s blog in the home on a regular basis.   Approximately 50-75 percent of children in the United States have detectable levels of spite, the breakdown product of sarcasm.

Research indicates that private research conducted by K8’s science lab of explody goodness in the 1990s showed that secondhand reading of Maxi’s blog was highly toxic, yet the company suppressed the finding during the next two decades because they weren’t particularily arsed.

The current Surgeon General’s Report concluded that scientific evidence indicates that there is no risk-free level of exposure to Maxicane.blogspot.com. Short exposures to the blog can cause temporary blindness, damage to brain cells, an increase in erectile dysfunction, and a reduction of Intelligence Quota levels, potentially prepetuating Darwin’s theory of natural selection.

Bring on the comments

  1. AND he lowers your sperm count.

    I’m sure of it.

  2. Quickroute says:

    Yur a bleedin’ lyer K9 – I reeds hiz blog reggae….regulur…reglar…well like lots like an it dozint haz no fecked wotzoeverz so shurrup roight!

  3. Maxi Cane says:

    Typical, while you were carrying out this “research” you could have used the time and money to feed and house the homeless.

    Alas, it is now obvious to even your loyal gobshites that you covet pouring effort into mindless and misguided propaganda.

    For shame Catherine, for shame.

  4. Baino says:

    Well that post with the poor man displaying his unusually shaped privates certainly made me go temporarily blind! But I’m not taking sides . . .YET!

  5. K8 says:

    Xbox; Indupitably. The poor little feckers are cowering in the corner as a result of the atrocity.

    Quickroute; It’s okay… if you wear a condom over your head in future you may avoid any ‘further’ damage.

    Maxi; I got this information off Mary Harney herself, actually. She emailed me last night to say she’s on my side. She confided that she’s quite fond of dirty politics… who’da thought?!?!

    Baino; We have cocktails every morning with breakfast, don’tya know. Also our army base is on a beach in Mexico. Come join us….

  6. Maxi Cane says:

    You have Mary Harney on your side?

    You’ve already lost.

  7. K8 says:

    She’s pummelling this country to shite, isn’t she? Imagine the damage she could do to you!!!

    Bwah hah hah hah etc…

  8. Baino says:

    Awwww . . .cocktails . . .erm . .. yum . .swarthy Latin men . . ooohh . . maybe . .kinda . ..sortof . .
    nup sorry the beach scares me I’m afraid Greenpeace will trawl me out into the shipping lanes. Still neutral but keep up the bribery!

  9. sheepworrier says:

    Armadillo Bomb!

    A major portion of the armadillo’s time spent outside its burrow is devoted to feeding. They typically start foraging as they emerge from their burrow and move at a slow pace following an often erratic course. Prey is apparently detected by smell, although sound also may play a role. Typical foraging behavior involves quickly probing with the nose and occasionally pausing to dig for prey. Armadillos are opportunistic feeders and consume a wide variety of food items. Invertebrates, primarily insects, make up roughly 90 percent of their diet. Small vertebrates and plant material make up the remainder of their diet. Researchers also have seen evidence of armadillos feeding on small reptiles and amphibians, the eggs of ground-nesting birds, and carrion. Armadillos seem to exhibit a polygynous mating system, with most females paired with a single male and most males paired with more than one female. Den burrows have an enlarged nest chamber and are more complicated than a burrow dug for other purposes. The nest is a bulky mass of dried plant debris crammed into the nest chamber without any obvious structure. Armadillos in areas with poorly drained soils will construct above ground nests of dry plant material. Most breeding among armadillos occurs during the summer (June-August). The normal gestation period is 8 to 9 months, with most young born between February and May. The armadillo exhibits monozygotic polyembryony in which a single fertilized egg normally gives rise to four separate embryos at the blastula stage of development. This results in a litter of four genetically identical haploid clone offspring. Dasypus is the only genus of vertebrates in which this reproductive phenomenon occurs. The offspring are precocial and begin accompanying the female outside of the burrow at about 2 to 3 months of age. By 3 to 4 months, the young are self-sufficient. Most males reach sexual maturity between 6 to 12 months of age, but females do not become sexually mature until they are 1 to 2 years old.

    Brought to you by the Minister of Violence, Maxiland.

  10. Jo says:

    Haaaa Kate! You didn’t need me at all!

  11. TheChrisD says:

    I really want to write something on this war.

    Except it’s half three in the morning, and I have a race weekend to watch in just over two hours…

  12. K8 says:

    Baino; Everybody in K8opia has muscular bodyguards (or bikini clad beach dwellers, what ever you’re into) to protect you from any sort of marine disasters. How about if I stop Facebook kidnapping you? That has to be annoying!

    Sheepworrier; My sincere apologies for not freeing your comment sooner, but I’m a dial-up whore and *somebody* took down the local telephone exchange on Friday in an effort to thwart my comebacks.
    I quite like Armadillos, but the information you have above is sadly incorrect. Everybody knows that armadillos are made of tortoises and hedgehogs, just ask Mr. Kipling.

    Jo; I ALWAYS need inspirational female brains on my side! I like the craftiness of it all.

    NICE HAT!!! It’ll go well with the combats JD made for us!!! Thank you soundly.

    TheChrisD; Would you like to partake of a shot from my side and join the inimitable army?

  13. TheChrisD says:

    Depends, what do I get to fire? :P

  14. K8 says:

    Anything your imagination can possibly stretch to!!! (and beyond)

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