RSS Feed
Oct 19

The wife's weakness

Posted on Sunday, October 19, 2008 in Humourarse, Strange and Unusual

It always happens on those rare nights out with Best Bud.  We agree to spend a few civilized pints in each other’s company and catch up and swear that we wouldn’t even entertain the thought of entering a club afterwards, but we always do.

We seem to forget after months of abstainment that it won’t be as great a buzz at it seems to be, that it used to be.  The club entity itself hadn’t changed… they still played No Diggity and Fearless just like the good old days, and the clientele was exactly the same mix of badly dressed nervous looking men hanging around in groups (with the obligatory nutter mate dancing his little socks off), and scantily clad ladies sipping demurely on their straws, eyeing up the talent.  You watch them, they watch you.  It’s a gallery of desperados. 

We keep forgetting that it’s us who has changed, we’re older, wiser, but still feel that need to be watched like that now and then.  We feel superior somehow in the knowledge that we’re in disguise.  Sold merchandise, sorry boys!  As if this was the reality… but we can dream.

We found ourselves feeling awqward.  We couldn’t talk so were limited to shouted statements and room-gazing… we found a clear corner and did this for a while, until…

“Oh wait” I shouted.  “Let’s move, this is definately the farting corner.”  Best Bud laughed, but didn’t take my word for it as people rarely do.  Her face contorted as she inhaled just as a random bloke approached and distracted her with a chat-up line.  Nice… score 1 to Best Bud.

I pulled her away from the methane cloud and hopeless conversation and we advanced to the heavily populated hang-around zone.  A pair of spectacles were proffered to me by a tall chap, not entirely talentless by any means.  I removed my own glasses and handed them to him.  Boy was he in for a surprise.

“Woah… Jesus… Fu….” he reeled and bumped against a table full of pints.  “You’re pretty shortsighted, aren’t ya?”  I thanked him for reminding me.  He asked me where I was from.

“Latvia” I said, flowing with the moment.  “I’m Ruby Dubidoux” I shook his hand.  He didn’t seem to notice the lack of accent.

“I’m from South Africa – I guess we’re both tourists, heh heh!” Bless him.  “Can I get you a drink?”

“No thanks, I’m fine.” I find that accepting drinks means that you’re stuck with dead-end pfaff talk for the rest of the night and then get branded a prick tease afterwards which rarely feels nice. 

“I noticed!”

“Wha?  Oh…” (blush) “Thanks! I mean I’m ok, I already have a drink.”  Yipee! Score 1 for me!  Best Bud and I bumped knuckles as the South African dude admitted defeat and slinked away.

I caught a glimpse of the pair of us in the flowered mirror a few feet away, and saw a strange reflection.   I panicked, and noticed the same lost look in Best Bud’s eyes. 

“Mooo”  I said.

“Mooooooo” she replied.

We left with a decent one-all draw and spent the rest of the night planning madcap adventures by the sea-shore, wondering why we didn’t just bring a six-pack and a naggin of vodka to the beach in the first place.  Oh yeah!  The whole dressing up and hiding the baggage thing!  That weird need to be reminded every now and then that we’re still female – it’s quite sad, isn’t it?  Oh well.  Cattle-fever is out of our systems again for a few months at least.

Bring on the comments

  1. Everyone needs to feel attractive every now and then. I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like, it’s been so long, but I remember how exciting it is to feel that someone’s interested… it’s like how wolf-whistles are only half offensive, because the other half of you is busy glowing!

  2. Maxi Cane says:

    I’m usually the nutter in the bunch of mates, dancing.


  3. Well as a severe loser in the club environment I’m well glad those days are behind me, no rush to return to it.

  4. Quickroute says:

    I prefer a good chat n’ pint these days but every now n’ then it’s good to go stompin’ especially since they banned smoking so you don’t smell like an ashtray the next morning

  5. K8 says:

    Jenny; Desperate isn’t it? I almost miss the passing comments from the fat blokes with the cavernous arse-cleavage nowadays. I throw bricks at them now for ignoring me. The cheek.

    Maxi; A club just isn’t a club without fidgety nutters… dancing is so much fun when you don’t give a shit.

    Thrifty; Isn’t everyone a loser in a nightclub? I thought that was the attraction ;)

    Quickroute; I prefer the stinky smoke to stinky fart anyday… especially when the methane mixes with the humidity and forms a sweaty cloud. Yuk.

  6. Ruby Dubidoux – love it!

    I love to go dancing with a group of friends. In particular, the group of friends I used to go with in uni. The Cotton Club! The sweaty exhilaration! The chips on the long walk home! The nostalgia! Sigh. Once in a while that is such fun to relive. These days, mostly though, I prefer a quiet corner in a pub somewhere.

  7. Baino says:

    Sadly clubs were pretty lame in my day and the pubs closed at 10pm! Yep we dinosaurs had to make our own fun. I never liked dancing. Not that I’m bad at it, I just never liked the ‘cattle’ call. All the men hanging around the dance floor perving and all the girls wiggling in their peer circle and music so loud you can’t converse even if someone does chat you up! And don’t get me started on the ‘party pash’ thing GAH! Gimme a pub and a bunch of good mates and I’m a happy camper.

  8. Quickroute says:

    Sweaty fart clouds – I’m never leaving the house again ;-)

  9. You’re lucky the King wasn’t there…..I GOT DA MOVES !!! …ok maybe I don’t , but I would have said I’m from Latvia too.

  10. K8 says:

    Sam; I do so miss taking my heels off and walking home in wet stockinged feet though. It was fierce liberating.

    Baino; Yep, these things are most definately done in groups, otherwise you’re bunched, really.

    Quickroute; It’s unbelievable how methane seems to expand in areas of low pressure and high sweat.

    K ‘o NY hacks; You gave me the inspiration for that one ;) Cheers dude!

Leave a Reply

Gravityscan Badge