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Sep 27

Groucho

Posted on Saturday, September 27, 2008 in Jobs, Rantings

This morning I woke with the sun beaming in full volume through my window and I should be rejoicing but I can’t… I suppose it’s the human condition.  The ironic thing about sunshine is that while it’s glorious and rarely found in this country, it has the nasty habit of showing up filth.  I pulled the living room curtains open today to reveal a carpet that is, quite literally, seven shades of shite.  Two years of dog ownership, over-zealous poker players, a toddler and my young lad’s leaky feeding machine will do that, and normally I wouldn’t care but today it clings.  The dust is clogging every pore on my body and flies swarm as though mocking my inability to keep this hell-hole clean.  Gnomes must have visited in the wee small hours, I could swear this house wasn’t this filthy when I went to bed last night.

How on earth do people maintain cleanliness on a daily basis?  It’s beyond me.

I vowed to tuck into the mess, just as soon as I’d had my first cup of coffee, but one cup just wasn’t enough… two cups still wasn’t enough, even though each cup contained at least three scoops of freeze-dried instant.  I took several swigs of liquid Ginseng despite overdose warnings on the label, the vile powdery taste of stagnant wine still lingers at the back of my throat and I’m still tired.

Instead of cleaning, however, I’m blogging.  My fingers are twitching with misspent energy and my heart is racing, trying desperately to keep the beat of the incessant tapping of my right foot, and I realise that I’ve made a mistake… it’s not energy that I need, it’s enthusiasm.  The two are so closely linked yet so very far apart but there is no such thing as bottled or freeze-dried enthusiasm.

I so wish there was.

Bring on the comments

  1. Ah, but there is bottled enthusiasm. It’s called, “Potin”. With a shot or two of that stuff you could clean every house in the neighbourhood! :)

  2. stipes says:

    maybe you should use that energy to enthuse someone else (TAT), or maybe just go back to bed and get out the other side

  3. K8 says:

    Jefferson; Ha! I’m trying to think of reasons NOT to hit the bottle though (for a change)

    Stipes; TAT has taken it upon himself to change the oil in the car, so I must stick around to supervise spillages. It seems there’s something in the water today… my neighbours are just as bad! What are the symptoms of lead poisoning?!?!

  4. Tuli says:

    I’m feeling the same way today. Slept late (not having kids allows me to do this) and am STILL sitting here drinking coffee instead of sweeping up the massive amounts of dog hair in my living room. (With the amount of hair they shed, you’d think they’d be BALD dogs by now. But they’re not. They’re just hairy labs.)

    If you find that bottled enthusiasm, send some my way, hey?

  5. Maxi Cane says:

    That’s uncanny. I decided to nap instead of clean, but I’ve since just swept, hoovered, mopped, dusted, laundered and scrubbed.

    I actually feel better for it, kind of more organised.

    I think getting started is the hardest thing ever, but once you get going you end up cleaning like a demon. I do anyway.

  6. Baino says:

    Guilty as charged, I use Skype as my chore avoidance tactic. However, Saturdays are my disciplined cleaning days. My phobia is doggy snotted windows. Just as the sun sets it shines on every splodge and blotch. Must get out the windex . . nah . . .I’ll chat to DC or JD instead! Use music. I find Prodigy’s Smack My Bitch up does it for me!

  7. Nick says:

    No easy answers to the cleaning nightmare. You just have to grit your teeth and do it regularly unless you want the place to end up looking like the local homeless hostel. I hate cleaning but for me it’s simply a question of self-respect or self-loathing. And with 101 household sprays, why isn’t there a spray that destroys all dust within a 50 foot radius?

  8. Quickroute says:

    I’d love to know how many things don’t get done because of blogging. Good job it’s only a recent fad or man would never have walked on the moon or was that all a camera trick?

  9. Warrior says:

    rip it up and throw it out, and go for wooden floors or tiles

  10. K8 says:

    Tuli; Arrrgh dog hair! I know how you feel. What irks me most is the way hairs find their way into food, even sealed stuff like margarine! How do they do that? I even found one of my dog’s hairs in a cup of tea once even though I was in a whole different country to the hound at the time. It’s EVERYWHERE.

    Maxi; Yeah you’re dead right… I pulled my finger out and got a shit load of it done, but it now looks exactly like it did before. *sigh*

    Baino; I’m a Prodigy fiend too :) Great for freaking out the neighbours too in revenge for their Cascada. Ugh.
    Vinegar and newspaper’s yer only man for dogsnot smudges!

    Nick; Ahh yes, the self-loathing. It’s amazing how a messy house mirrors a messy thought system – cleaning is like meditation that way I suppose. As for the spray that destroys all dust within 50 ft? There is one. A blowtorch.

    Quickroute; Yep, probably all staged by some bloke who was just lost for something else to write about. I know the feeling.

    Warrior; If I’d known we’d be here for so bloody long I most definately would have. I can’t WAIT to have dem floors in the new gaff! Great for sock-sliding.

  11. Jo says:

    ME too! I am so with you. I don’t like the mess but I just can’t get motivated to tackle it – and then maintain it every 5 minutes.

  12. downsdad says:

    I have discovered, over the last recent few decades, that by far the greatest carpet cleaners are available at Sam Hire, HSS and other heavy machinery rental shops. They go by the unlikely name of ‘floor sanders’. The carpet sounds beautifully clippity-clop once you get over the first bit of dust.

  13. Quentin Crisp always said that he never, ever cleaned his apartment, that there was no point as after two weeks the dust doesn’t get any deeper.

    I am, obviously a clean freak, so shame on you naughty soap dodgers!

  14. K8 says:

    Jo; I suppose we are just the sort of people who are born with the need for hired help! It’s not our fault we’re thoroughbreds!

    Downsdad; I’m thinking that when we move out, we’ll just roll the carpet up and smoke it.

    Queen of Clean; Will you come and visit me? I’ll be your best friend.

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