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Sep 9

Sabotage

Posted on Tuesday, September 9, 2008 in Something to think about, Strange and Unusual

Sometimes strange thoughts enter my head and I wonder if I’m psychotic.  Dark thoughts that I have never voiced before, that I worry about sometimes.

I might be driving fast on a motorway and see a truck heading towards me in the opposite lane, and I’d get a sudden urge to drive into its path.  It’s not a consideration or a deliberate thought, it’s more like a primal need to see what happens.

I might be in the supermarket and suddenly feel like hurling a can of baked beans through a plate glass window or at the head of random trolley man and getting into a whole heap of trouble for no reason at all.

A while ago I was on a ship, standing on the starboard deck and I suddenly wanted to empty my pockets, to throw my phone, my wallet, my keys… everything into the churning whiteness below so that they are lost forever.

Of course I would never do anything like that because it would just be plain stupid, but the knowledge that some part of me wants to do it is a bit disturbing.  When that part of me suddenly told me to drive off the edge of the quays in Wicklow harbour with my kid in the car one day, it was the last straw.  The guilt stayed with me for days and kept me awake until finally, one day, it clicked with me that it was just my instincts messing with me.

I’m being made aware of potential hazards, that’s all.  There’s a tiny script-writer in my brain creating horrors to test my conscience and re-enforce my ability to survive and if he’s in my brain, it stands to reason that he’s in everyone else’s.

Isn’t he?

Am I going crazy?

Bring on the comments

  1. tatoca says:

    i have that too… and sometimes all that the little guy in my head is doing is telling me to say something, and sometimes i can’t deny the urge, and i get into all sorts of trouble… but the mad stuff the little guys tells me to do i just ignore. sometimes i laugh too…

  2. Tuli says:

    Sometimes my script-writer scares the hell out of me and literally makes me hang on for dear life. Like when he tells me to let go of my boyfriend’s waist, throw my arms in the air and fall backwards when we’re doing 70 mph down a busy expressway on a motorcycle. It’s at those moments that I want to meet my script-writer face-to-face so I can kick the ever-lovin’ shit out of him.

    I am so glad I’m not the only one who has a horror writer in their head.

    Sorry for swearing in my first comment on your blog.

  3. Darragh says:

    Crazy? Why yes. yes you are.
    But it’s ok.
    Your in the right place.
    We’re all a tad nuts. Stupid. Loony. Demented. Touched. Off the wall. A few cans short of a six pack. = Irish!

    Could be worse.

    You could be normal! Think of how boring that would be!

  4. Quickroute says:

    I´m constantly afraid I´m going to suddenly develop tourettes syndrome and swear the bejezus out of all n´sundry!

  5. So that’s why I jabbed my stiffened finger into the shopkeeper’s eye.

  6. Lorna says:

    It’s not just the Irish – I have those thoughts about driving my car into the oncoming lane and fantasize about how I’d get so many visitors in the hospital (dying isn’t ever an option:). I little crazy is a good thing! Right? Right?!?

  7. K8 says:

    Tatoca; Foot in mouth disease… yep, I hear you.

    Darragh; Thanks :) Glad to know I’m not the only lunatic running around unrestrained!

    Quickroute; Tourettes and Demonic possession are two extremely handy excuses too I find :)

    Bock; Probably well deserved… I’ve done the same meself.

    Lorna; I hope so! So glad of the backup, thanks!!!

  8. Standard enough as far as I know. At least I know of me and a minimum of one other person whose brains do the same shit.

  9. Brianf says:

    You’re not the odd one.
    Everyone else is.
    That’s how I prefer to look at it.

  10. K8 says:

    Tuli; Hi!! Sorry you got trapped. Swearing is allowed and encouraged :)

    Thriftcriminal; Sweet! My paranoia is back to happy level again.

    Brianf; Hey stranger :) Yeah you’re probably right!

  11. Baino says:

    Common enough I think, it’s the stuff that nightmares are made of. As long as it stays in your imagination that’s fine! I sometimes have to mentally ‘pull myself up’ like the record scratching to a halt. wondering where these dark thoughts could possibly have come from. Mmmm . .maybe that’s why when I’m a passenger in a car I have an imaginary 30′ leg sticking out the window and knocking down all the telegraph poles!

  12. I thought i was the only one who had these notions pop into my head at times!!Mine are usually walking over big bridges-i always feel like hauling my bag over into the water.Or crossing the road at night when there’s loads of traffic and headlights passing,i wonder what it would be like to step out.

    So nope K8 you ain’t alone and you ain’t going mad :)

  13. manuel says:

    ha! you have the mind of a waiter!

  14. Maxi Cane says:

    I used to get that:

    “What would happen if I told that customer to go fuck herself?”

    “What would happen if, as she’s complaining to my superior that I tell them all to go fuck themselves?”

    “What if I then went and pissed in my bosses petrol tank for taking her side?”

    The answer my friend, is blowing in the dole queue.

    I have to say though, it was hugely satisfying.

  15. Natalie says:

    If my blog was anonymous you would find out jsut how messed up I really am!!! Sadly I have to be very careful what I write about! My anonymous one on the other hand…now that is where all the real stuff happens!!

  16. K8 says:

    Baino; My old trick was to drive by pedestrians really slowly, then get my passenger to lean out the window and bark very loudly. Strange, I know, but the reaction is hilarious!

    Green of Eye; I love the way people like yourself are commenting out of the blue on this :) Thanks for the reassurance!!

    Manuel; I think all waiters and taxi-drivers (and possibly bus drivers too) are in league with the Devil… aren’t they?

    Maxi Cane; They say that it’s harmful to bottle things up though… if you go ahead and vent your honesty you shouldn’t be punished!! If it’s good for your health, it’s good for the company.

    Natalie; It crosses my mind occasionally that I should probably be more careful too… but… sod it. :)

  17. TheChrisD says:

    All I can say to this is: :shock:

    Maybe something should be done to manipulate your script-writer?

  18. Rick says:

    K8 it’s strange…

    Doing what I do almost every day someone (me quite frequently!) voices something that they think they are the only one who thinks of it, or has had it happen to them and then finds out everyone’s been there.

    None of us are alone in any situation, huge swathes of your friends and family have had whatever thought you are thinking, including this one…

  19. Well seeing as we’re all sharing: I had a sudden and terrible urge to smash the greenhouse to shite just minutes after Hubby had finally completed it. And every time I go on the ferry I fight with the little gremlin telling me to climb over the handrail and jump. Looks like we’re all crackers!!

  20. I get a slight variation of this.

    I think that by even allowing my mind to wonder towards these disasters, that they will happen.

    I’ll fall overboard or hit the truck or drop my phone and wallet into the water…

  21. I reckon it’s a sign of a healthy mind. You’re abandoning yourself for a moment to a larger experiment, it’s your mind at play. What would happen if…? I reckon if your mind is imaginative enough to come up with the scenarios, open enough to consider them for just a second adn then rational enough to abandon them, and further come up with an explanation if it all, then your mind is in good shape – balanced without having to sacrifice flights of fancy.

  22. I, too thought there was an evil scriptwriter in everyones brain that made them think things like that.

    And then I saw the vid/pic thing at the end of your post, and it scared the Bejeesus out of me.

  23. CamSavWin says:

    Wow, and here I thought it was just me…

  24. sometimes strange thought go through your head?????
    Ah come on K8!
    You do yourself an injustice
    It.s ALL the time!

  25. Tara says:

    I remember reading an article a long time ago about how people afraid of driving over tall bridges are not afraid of the height per se; they’re afraid they’ll randomly stop in the middle, get out of the car and jump off. You’re okay.

  26. Nick says:

    Sure, we all have crazy thoughts like that. We all have self-destructive urges along with the positive ones. And we all have wild imaginations that conjure up weird “what if” scenarios. The only problem is if you actually want to turn the urges into reality.

  27. K8 says:

    The ChrisD; But if I was to manipulate the bad dood, would I not also have to sacrifice the equal but opposite good dood? I’m not a huge fan of the happy pill phenomenon.

    Rick; Thanks :) Freaks Unite!!! I guess to be normal is to be slightly crazy… who’da thought?

    English Mum; I get the same urges in Waterford Crystal shops!!!! The sound of something expensive shattering is strangely satisfying.

    Xbox4nappyrash; That’s what gets me… how easy it is to just give in to the thought and do it. Why is the prospect of random destruction so momentarily inviting?!

    Problemchildbride; Well said!! I suppose that’s why horror films are so inviting. (to some!)

    Raptureponies; It’s like a lava lamp, isn’t it?!

    Camsavwin; Me too! I’m glad I confessed now :)

    Roy; Yeah ok you got me! Maybe it has something to do with the service industry? Maybe it’s as a result of all the Guinness I sneaked out of my dad’s pints when I was a toddler… who knows.

    Tara; Really? That’s quite comforting in a disturbing sort of way!

    Nick; It’s such a fine line… it makes me wonder, if everyone entertains these thoughts, all it takes is one slightly unstable person to follow through and that’s the thing – it could be anybody at any time! Scary.

  28. k8 i used to work for a posh store in Dublin(naming no names) and the urge to run amok in the crystal dept and smash things was omnipresent! Even customers used to comment on it so it’s fairly common!!

    I threatened on my last day that i would unclip the largest waterford crystal chandelier and let it drop to it’s death….never did get round to it.Think i’d be paying it off til my dying day :P

  29. Conortje says:

    and you see that is exactly what blogging is for – letting these thoughts out without hurting a soul :-)

    At work I sometimes press the mute button and say what I really want to say to people – one of these days I am sure the burron won’t work and I’ll get fired.

  30. All the time, since always.
    ‘Yeah, but what would it REALLY be like to be in the twisting metal? What would seven volumes of pain be like, and can I have it just for a second, just one teensie second please?’
    I can even bring it to the point where I can smell that imaginary bit of sulphur that your head fills up with in a collision, or that white iron taste that lasts for considerably less than a second if you do take a knock on a footie pitch or sth. You may have something in yr theory. Maybe it’s just like a fire drill. Hope there’s never a real fire though.

  31. Jo says:

    Yes, this makes sense. I think I’m more aware of the fear, I don’t so much feel compelled to do it as feel compelled to play out the horrible fantasy in my head.

    Every time I walk round by the harbour, for example, I think about the buggy falling in the water, and wrestling to unclick the buckles as it sinks… ugh. Why do I do it? I hop it’s for hte same reasons.

    Scary picture too! Poor little RP!

  32. Ok, now I’m worried….I don’t think about jumping off bridges, or smashing things….what’s wrong with me????

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