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Jul 20

T.M.I.

Posted on Sunday, July 20, 2008 in Uncategorized

Life in a Semi-D isn’t always easy.

I knew my neighbour was the same breed of smartarse as myself from the minute I set eyes on her.  We knew that there would be a lot of unwanted information shared between us… our super thrifty local authority houses are separated only by a layer or two of plaster-covered polystyrene from the sounds of it, so we knew to keep the t.v. volume low and be aware of the decibel levels of our arguments.  There is something, however, that is very difficult to keep secret.

1.00am – Thump thump thump etc…

1.15am – Thumpthumpthumpthump *pause* thumpthumpthumpthump etc..

1.30am – Thump.  Thump.  Thump. *groan* Thump. *groan* etc…

… this would carry on for a surprisingly long time and we would try so hard not to listen but you know how it is… there’s always the part of us that didn’t mind listening at all, especially since it let us off the hook in the bedroom accoustics on our own side.  We listened to each other’s love-lives for a full month before anyone had the balls to say anything.

Then it happened.  We met each other on our front-door steps one morning and shared a shmoke, but said nothing.  The atmosphere was pregnant, each of us dying to take the piss.  It just needed one trigger… a badly timed pun would do… anything.

“Took a trip to Bargaintown yesterday and got meself a new three-piece…” my neighbour finally said.  “Got bunk-beds for the kids on order too!”

“Savage… gotta love the bunk beds!”  I said, teetering on the edge of a dirty grin.

“Yeah speaking of beds…” (here we go!) “… Ye wouldn’t push yours about a foot away from the wall, would ye?”

That was it.  We exploded in a torrent of filthy laughter and revelled in each other’s embarrassment and it was good.  The issue did eventually require that we both go out and buy sturdier beds (with obligatory celebratory pint!) and since then it’s been quite peaceful… until last night.

It started at about 3.30am and continued for two hours.  I won’t go into details except to say that it was graphic, and awakened a newfound respect in me for my neighbour’s husband.  He really is a trooper by the sounds of it.

She knew just from the look on my face this morning… that ‘HA!! I’m surprised you can walk!!’ face …that no apology was necessary.

I went into town for a few bits today and had a sudden goo for a burger and a portion of tasty-chips but when I dived into the shop to find my neighbour’s husband waiting to take my order I stopped in my tracks.  I nervously examined the menu for a few seconds and decided to go hungry instead and walked away, for the temptation to enquire after his battered sausage was far too great.

Bring on the comments

  1. Hee.
    Our first place, we rented out an apartment above us. There is no moving the bed away from the floor! And yeah, it always seems longer when you are listening, not participating.

    Luckily for us, he got arrested and she moved out shortly thereafter.

  2. Baino says:

    Hahaha . . reading your posts at 2 in the afternoon is much better than in the early morning! I’ll never look at a battered sav or a pluto pup in the same way again! Gotta admire the man’s stamina and clearly I have a dirty mind!

  3. Deborah says:

    That’s awesome! Too funny.

    When I was in college I lived in an apartment where the people upstairs were always going at it. I was a bit of a party animal back then and always had people coming and going at all hours. Usually drunk, stoned and loud. The neighbours one day had enough and asked me to tone it down. I was all, you guys quit having sex and I’ll quit having parties. Never had a problem again! :D

  4. Grannymar says:

    There is a lot to be said for my solid walls!

    All the walls in my bungalow are solid. :D You will have to ask Elly if they worked.

  5. That’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a while.

    Classic.

  6. Quickroute says:

    LOL That’s hilarious!
    The upstairs neighbours were at it like rabbits in a place I lived many years back. It was the ol’ sqeaky spring mattress that started slow and steady but built into a explosive crescendo of sqeaks, moans and groans. We were terrified the bed would come thru the ceiling.

  7. Granny says:

    You have made an old lady very happy! Such sweet memories! Things that go bump in the night! Better than listening to mice on the rampage here at the Manor.

  8. Lottie says:

    When we lived in an apartment in Dublin we experienced the same type of noise – but it was our neighbour banging with her fists in fits of tears. it went on for months and was quite disturbing.

    Now living in an apartment I can hear our TV from the hall and our bedroom is beside the front door. I do wonder if the neighbours can hear us. They have never mentioned it – Thankfully!

  9. Maxi Cane says:

    Nice.

    On the other side of things I moved into a house a few years back and got my lady of the time up to my room and went on a spree of trying to over impress. I did quite well until the fella next door coincidentally did the same thing the week after.

    We were locked in a battle to see who could make the most noise in our sessions with our respective ladies.

    He won.

    The fuzz turned up on his door following complaints from the neighbors about “disturbing noises”. I was equally relieved and disappointed they hadn’t knocked on my door.

  10. Ha! Hilarious! Great post, K8! And Maxi Cane, was the name Maxi Cane given to you by your lady of that time? ;)

  11. warrior says:

    funny how some things are just difficult to face up to and look squarely in the eye :-)

  12. Maxi Cane says:

    Sam, problem child:

    No, it wasn’t as nice as that when we finished with each other!!!

  13. Granny says:

    Maxi you shouldn’t be using real women for your shaggin experiments!

  14. K8 says:

    Sixty; Arrested?! What was he shagging? Do I want to know?

    Baino; Sorry if I grossed you out over your breakfast :) Sausages was it? Hope not.

    Thriftcriminal; I reckon these guys were too tuckered out for tea. *shudder* Have to stop imagining what their post-coital activities were, it’s disturbing.

    Deborah; Loud sex, loud parties. Hmmm…. put them together!!! Yay :)

    Grannymar; I’m not so sure she’d relish being asked that question!!

    Xbox4nappyrash; Thanks mang! It wasn’t too easy finding the funny side from where I was lying at the time. Even blu-tack in the ears didn’t help, the vibrations just kept going.

    Quickroute; I think I would’ve blared some decidedly un-sexy music to counteract their mood… the birdie song, you know, something like that.

    Ma; I can think of no reply which doesn’t involve a hefty cringe.

    Maxi Cane; Ha!! I’m trying to imagine a noisy sex competition and how one can incorporate pots and wooden spoons into the act…

    Cheers Sam!!

    Warrior; Sometimes it’s just better to breeze right over these issues. Especially where fast-food is concerned.

  15. K8 says:

    Lottie; That’s surreal!! I’ve always said that banging one’s head against a wall is just as effective and a lot cheaper than paying a councellor though :)

  16. It’s nice that you have such a good relationship with your neighbour.

    The neighbour we had in our previous house was very vocal in bed. It made for lots of broken night’s sleep and I could never really look at her without thinking about it. I think that was as much because I was worried about what she could hear as anything else!

  17. That’s why you should keep a few extra pillows to put between the headboard and the wall! I thought everyone knew that? :)

    I used to live in apartments beside a couple that went at it during breakfast every morning. He worked first and she worked third shift, so that was their excuse. Kind of disturbing to hear that while trying to eat cereal in the early morning hours. :)

  18. K8 says:

    Jenny; ‘I could never really look at her without thinking about it.’ – this is my curse lately. It’s really difficult having a serious conversation about litter problems in our estate with her and trying not to think of her sexcapades.

    Jefferson; ‘He worked first and she worked third shift,’ makes this comment even funnier seeing as ‘shift’ has dirty connotations in this neck of the woods ;)

  19. Maxi Cane says:

    Granny:
    But the plastic ones never give any feedback!

    K8:
    I can work anything in. That sounded different in my head.

  20. Grandad says:

    Maxi – Do the real ones?

  21. […] Night Fever moves) and pulls. Off they go to her place for an extended night of passion such as K8’s neighbours might have. The next day Thor is in the shower washing the smell of mortals off when he figures […]

  22. Medbh says:

    Shit, when we first moved in together living with two dudes they heard the bed move across the entire top floor every single day and night. They quoted Mr. M once by citing his ” well, alright!”

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