RSS Feed
Jun 21

The ying-yang man

Posted on Saturday, June 21, 2008 in Family, Hackney Cabbing

I stopped outside the Boomerang in Bray and he slid into my car.  He looked at me dubiously and then broke out into a sickly leer.

“I’fe nenner sheela wooni taxinirver befowar” he slurred.

“Come again?”  I strained to hear intelligeable words in the drunken murmers that followed.

“I’fe.  Never.  Seen.  A. Woman. Taxi driver. Before.” he said as though I was a deaf simpleton.  “Areyiz deaf or wha?”

“Cheeky.  Where would you like to go?”

“Your houshe.”

“Nice one.  You can babysit while me and the fella go to the pub…”

“Ah bollix.  Roigh… Ceemartnoad.”

“Sorry?”

“Sheertinapuck” he hiccuped.

My pulse raced as I got him to pronounce his address again and again, each word sounding completely different from the last.  I glance at him to find he’s gazing at my cleavage. 

“Oi!!” I shout.  “Look, it’s pissing rain out there… you sure you want to walk, sunshine?”

“Sorry, sorry…”  he winks and tells me the name of the pub he lives above.  I pull out of my parking spot and then jam on the brakes just a smidge so that he lurches forward.

“Belt up”  I suggest kindly.

“Heh heh.  Crazy bitch.  Heyy hurryup der, I have to geh home for a kip before me wankxin’.”

“Ugh.  That’s too much information, thanks.”

“Wax-in, I sed!”

“You’re getting waxed?”

“Yeah I’f ta get me chest waxed a’ half-eigh.  For chari-ee.”

“Seriously?  Fair play!  Ow  though.  What’s the charity?”

“Sain’ Cat’rins.  It’s gona hurt, I’m a hairy cunt I am…  so hairy I…”

“…Did you say Saint Catherines?!?”  I interrupted, hardly believing the irony. 

From a letter I recently got from my son’s school:

“Dear All.
St Catherines is in urgent discussions with the H S E about finance.  We are hugely in the red at the moment and both the H S E and the Department of Education are slow to come to our assistance.

We are fortunate that several fund raising events are being undertaken for us and while these cannot take the place of proper funding by the H S E and the Dept, we are greatly dependent on voluntary funds to assist in the short term.  I am appealing for your support…”

“Yeah, I’m aneeejih, I know.”

“You’re no eejit”  I give him my most loving smile. ‘You’re my hero.  My kid goes to that school.”

“Yeah?!?”  He looked pleased.  He gazed at my boobs all the way to Greystones and I didn’t mind a jot, because it occured to me that maybe the image will help soothe his dire agony later on.  Maybe when he gets to see his own nipples which have been just ripped off his chest by an over-zealous drunken waxer, my boobs will be the happy place he goes to.  It’s the least I could do.

What a nice chap…

Bring on the comments

  1. Great post, K8! I was enraged and then happy that he was doing a good deed, regardless of his demeanour. Kudos to you Madam for having the patience of a Saint. I love drunks, but only when I’m drunk. :)

  2. Deborah says:

    Best post I’ve read in ages. Made my morning K8. What about some virtual fundraising? I bet a lot of people here would be willing to help!

  3. Grannymar says:

    Great post K*

    It is true, you can’t judge a book by its cover or uncover!

    Well done both of you!

  4. OOOH!!

    Was it only his back he was having done?

    One of the girls in our Spa regularly does the old back/sack/crack…it’s never young bucks tho’…weird, anyway, good for him, I hope you didn’t charge him!

  5. Nick says:

    What a sorry state our public services are in when a school can only stay solvent with the help of guys getting their chests waxed. Much the same in the UK, lots of schools (and hospitals) rely on voluntary fundraising for all those things government funding doesn’t stretch to.

    Hope the gain was worth the pain.

  6. Nice post.

    It wrecks my head when I have to play the designated driver, I can’t imagine having to be nice to the feckers too.

    Nice twist with the fundraising.

  7. Medbh says:

    Ouch.
    He’s going to be bloody by the end of it on top of an enormous hangover.

  8. You are a patient and brave woman! That kind of encounter would have made me horribly uncomfortable. I guess this is why I could never be a taxi driver… that and my neurotic driving!

    I hope your son’s school manages to raise the money it needs.

  9. Baino says:

    Oh my . . .long way from fundraiser chockies! He’s better off staying drunk for the ordeal! And cover up in the car girl!

  10. K8 says:

    Jefferson; He was pretty entertaining.. he went on a mad rant about the police that was almost worth printing too.

    Deborah; Thanks for the suggestion… I’m not too keen on using me blog for asking for cash, but this might be an exception. They do such wonderful work, they deserve every cent they can get.

    Grannymar; He was more like a bad book with a surprise fiver stuck in the pages ;)

    Queen of Clean; Yes I charged him!! He did his fair share of ranting and gesticulating and he also moaned about everything under the sun so I figured I deserved it. May spend it on a present for the teachers?

    Nick; It’s a joke. I can’t help but think of all the money my poor parents forked out for my convent education and all the posh new cars the nuns owned! St Catherines school works miracles and gets paid sweet F.A.
    I heard that the HSE lost €1 million A DAY during the first quarter of 2008… even a tiny percentage of that would be enough for St Catherines!

    Xbox4nappyrash; Drunken passengers beat the pants off businessmen any day. They’re quieter and don’t pressure me into speeding!

    Medbh; He struck me as the sort of guy that enjoys a liquid breakfast. He’ll be okay.

    Jenny; It makes me horribly uncomfortable too, but not as much as it used to. The public just takes a bit of practice I suppose.

    Baino; I do cover up!!! I’d be nuts to go taxiing with the ladies hanging out – I was wearing a shirt with the first two buttons undone, I left a LOT to the imagination! Unfortunately for me though, yer man had a pretty healthy imagination from the looks of things.

  11. Darren says:

    Ha – great post K8. And an excellent cause, Mr Ying-Yang.

  12. Natalie says:

    LOL loved this post, nearly choked on my cheerios. Perhaps he was blinding drunk on purpose…no pain when the brain is in that state?

  13. Ah, bless his little drunken nose. I like the way you see the good in people, girly. And God knows you had to wring it out of this one!! x

  14. K8 says:

    Darren; Cheerz!

    Natalie; Booze seemed to be this dude’s religion. I reckon he was chosen for the job.

    English Mum; Sure he had a face only a mother could love, bless ‘im.

Leave a Reply