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Jun 14

Well red

Posted on Saturday, June 14, 2008 in Hackney Cabbing, Humourarse, Rantings, Strange and Unusual

I went shopping yesterday for Father’s day gifts (The Accidental Terrorist has been bugging me for Wiiks about his present, so I caved and he is now a happy Wii bunnii :), and found a copy of Twenty’s buke in Easons.

Delighted, I bought it and stashed it in the overhead compartment in my car, intending to use it as light entertainment for when I’m in between taxi-jobs.  Unfortunately it was so busy at work today that I didn’t even get a chance to read the blurb.

Then it hit me.

Overhead compartments really should only hold two books at a time, but mine holds 7 CDs, a newspaper, a coin-bag and two books so when I say it hit me… I don’t mean metaphoricalizzy.

The book slipped out of its cubby and jabbed me with its pointy corner on the crown of my head just as I was negotiating a narrow country road.  ‘GAH!’ I said, and ducked – I was appalled for a nano-second that my passenger had assaulted me, but then I spotted Twenty’s smug mug laughing at me from my lap, and I felt foolish. 

In the second it took for me to re-gain my composure, a pheasant had walked out in front of me and I hit it with a curdling thump that sounded louder than it should have.  ‘FUH!’ says I, as the bird struts back out onto the road.  Mrs. Passenger wasn’t too pleased when she saw that her eggs had broken and didn’t appreciate my sarcasm much as I pointed at the injured bird and suggested she take it home.  The bird himself mooned me, then fucked off back into the ditch presumably to a pub to tell his mates what’d happened. 

I had to take a half-hour break after Mrs. Passenger was ever-so safely disposed of to nurse me bumped noggin and recover from my poultry-abuse.

I reckon I should sue Twenty Major for loss of earnings, or at least get him to autograph it with his own blood.  His book has tested the limits of both my sanity and my overhead compartment and I’m not happy. 

This book better be damn good is all.

Bring on the comments

  1. You’ve probably seen this over in Grannymar’s comments, but it made me laugh my ass off:

    Dublin International Control Tower:

    “Ryanair 702 , cleared for takeoff, contact departure on frequency 124.7.”

    ‘Ryanair 702: Tower, this is Ryanair 702 switching to departure. By the way after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”

    Tower: “Delta 635,cleared for takeoff behind Ryanair, contact departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Ryanair 702?”

    Delta 635:”Roger: and yes, we copied Ryanair.. We’ve already notified our caterers….


    Oh and if you do manage to off a pheasant apparently you should hang it by the neck until it is so rotten the neck separates before plucking and cooking.

  2. Baino says:

    GAH and FUH! Excellent restraint at a time of great duress! Pheasants are silly phuckers!

    “I’m not the pheasant plucker I’m the pheasant plucker’s son and I’ll be plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes” I can say that really fast without phucking it up when totally shit faced! Just thought I’d share!

  3. Maxi Cane says:

    A friend of mine is a taxi driver, one night he hit a cat on his bendy roaded way home, but forgot all about it as he said he was quite used to hitting various breeds of being on his treks.

    Any way, it wasn’t until he had to get the car serviced, or repaired or something and the car was up on a ramp that the poor apprentice mechanic poked at something furry that was obscuring his view from whatever it was he needed to see. Brute force and ignorance brought down a vengeful rain of fur, rotting pussy and maggots.

    Moral of the story?

    Keep your undercarraige clean, it may come back to haunt you, or the poor apprentice.

  4. Brianf says:

    I think you’ll like 20’s book. It’s pretty funny. I liked it but I never got bonked in the head with it.

  5. Watch out for Grace Jones, she’s one of our own

  6. You could sue Eason’s claiming that they sold the book to you without warning you it was funny and that a pheasant, you and an eggy passenger almost lost you lives in a comic bonce-knocking moment. Claim the least they could have done is sell you a round book with no dangerous corners. If irish courts are anything like US ones, you’ll be rich! Madly rich!!

  7. Nick says:

    Good job your unexpected bonk on the head didn’t send you careening off the road into a 100-foot ravine. Or across the motorway slap into a Tesco juggernaut. You got off lightly hitting a pheasant.

    And surely the book should carry a health and safety warning about all the places it shouldn’t be stored to prevent accidents or loss of life? Yeah, sue the pants off Twenty, Easons and Hodder, I say.

  8. K8 says:

    Thriftcriminal; Bwah hah hah- evil joke :) Not into hanging birds. I’d most likely bore it to death with a Neil Diamond CD.

    Baino; He rattled his bottles off Rollick’s walls…

    Maxi Cane; I like to give my sump a good hosing down every now and then, haven’t found any roadkill yet. Pussy maggots sound wickedly nightmare-inducing.

    BrianF; I love reading books with mixed reviews… seems like the perfect book for this job, just mental enough to keep me awake in a hot car.

    Roy; ?? Ok, I’ll watch out for her (/him)! Sounds interesting…

    Problemchildbride; I don’t want to sue Easons, it’s my favourite shop in the whole mall! Might sue gravity instead.

    Nick; Damn pheasants are a liability! Farmers breed ’em like crazy for the shooting season and leave them to roam around. Saw one wandering down the middle section of the M50 recently looking a bit lost. Might have been a Guarda in disguise though…

  9. Neil Diamond? The wife is off to his concert tonight. She’s mad excited. Thank God I am on sprog-watch.

  10. A blogger’s book potentially killing a blogger.

    There’s irony in there somewhere…!

  11. I knew I forgot to do something before I left Dublin….buy Twenty’s book. Ah well, I’ll pick one up, when I return in two months. :)

    Where I live, we have hucking hummingbirds that love windscreens. Tis very…very bad karma to hit one of them though. :)

  12. K8 says:

    Thriftcriminal; Yes I’d prefer crappy nappies too. Much prefer.

    Xbox4NappyRash; I’ll be bringing a very irony crow-bar ’round his gaff if he doesn’t cough up soon.

    Jefferson; Like magpies?! Us Oirish are fierce ‘stitious about our magpies, even the cats are too scared to attack them..

    Read first quarter of the book in fifteen-minute breaks today in between jobs… is most excellently right up my street in manner of Blackadder/Roddy Doyle love-child sort of way. I have more respect for Bastardface now.

  13. june in florida says:

    I have trapped my right hand fingers in the left automatic window (America remember) and could not put the window down and also turned a corner talking on the mike, it got caught around the steering column and went into orbit.Paperback books in the future?I enjoy your blog very much.

  14. K8 says:

    Hi June – comment well appreciated for I have made those same two booboos myself in the last week (damn those electric windows!) so it’s very comforting :)

  15. Medbh says:

    You’ll love the novel, K8.
    It’s rousing good fun.

  16. Quickroute says:

    It could have been a tad embarrassing explaining that to the law – they’ll be expanding the law to cover NO cell phones, NO reading books next!

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