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May 9

Lesbianistic qualities

Posted on Friday, May 9, 2008 in Hackney Cabbing, Strange and Unusual

Men in Bray seem to have a particularly low tolerance of female drivers.  Being a female taxi-driver, my job is therefore quite tricky.  Male drivers can get away with minor fuck-ups, but if a female driver does something slightly amiss, she gets rolling eyes and sentences which usually begin with “Typical…” and end with “… shouldn’t be allowed on the roads”.  It’s pretty annoying.

For this reason, I’ve built up an anti-cynicism wall which prevents me from being irritated by chauvinistic comments.  I’ve also dialled down the ‘pink’, my feminine flair only gets me into trouble in this job, so now I’m bland, nondescript and silent (for the most part).

The most extraordinary thing has happened though.  Conversations with some women in my cab are starting to sound like this;

Miss X: “I have a boyfriend, you know.”

Me: “Good for you, they can be handy to have around, sometimes.”

*Miss X rants for a bit on her boyfriend’s bad habits before falling silent, lost in thought*

Miss X: “I have no friends here in Bray though… no ‘special’ friends anyway.  Can I have your number?”

Me: (Taken aback) “Ummm… ok.”

Miss X: (Hands me her phone) “Here, ring your own phone so the numbers show up…”

I’ve dubiously exchanged numbers with four women now.  Two of them text me for mini-conversations quite reguarly and keep asking me out to the pub. 

They seem like nice people, not overly odd or anything, just in need of a friend.  Why me though?  Why a random bland nondescript silent taxi driver?

Then it hit me!

I wear black.  I wear ‘comfortable’ shoes.  I have tattoos, and I don’t wear a whole lot of make-up.  This whole time, I’ve been sending out a message to a group of people I hadn’t even considered before!  It’s 2008, K8.  Jeez.  In this day and age, I’m surprised at myself.  I’ve lost out on some serious tippage just because I reserve my flirts for drunken men, dammit.

I’ve noticed though… in one month I’ve gathered four women’s mobile numbers, but during my entire life I’ve only ever collected two from men.  Isn’t that odd?!?!  Do I have lesbianistic qualities? 

I have conversed many times with myself on the subject of lesbianism, and we both agree that it is not my cup of tea.  I personally don’t understand how four ovaries can co-habit without major storm fronts developing.  I love men.  I need men.  They are the cello to my violin, and I couldn’t live without them.   I mean sure, Denise Richards has amazing hair and Sienna Miller has a smashing set of legs, but they come with a side-helping of maintenance which would bug the hell out of me.

Still, never say never I suppose.  I’ve never done the drunken experimentation as a teenager thing, but I might put lesbianism on my list of ‘things to do before I die’.  I hope The Accidental Terrorist doesn’t mind.

Bring on the comments

  1. 5h4mr0(k says:

    Watch the hit counter click up on this one!

  2. robert says:

    That should be “men the world over seem to have a particularly low tolerance of female drivers.” :-0

    Not all women though I hasten to add. Apparently men are better at spacial awareness than women which may explain the whole parking thing. But my mother can park a car – any car into almost any space into which it will fit. She is left handed though and apparently left handed people in addition to dying younger have greater spacial awareness than those who were right handed.

    Of course her being left handed was s significant advantage to me in my formative years as I was almost always able to dodge the impending blow from the wooden spoon ;)

  3. K8 says:

    5h4mr0(k; Good point! I might put the icing on the cake with some buzz-words… Girl on girl, rainbow, lesbian fantasies, girly flap flicking. There… that should do it. Any more I missed out on?

    Robert; It’s true about spacial awareness, ’tis the reason why there are very few female air-traffic controllers. I personally cannot parallel park a large van for the life of me, so I just don’t. Women do have better peripheral vision though apparently, as well as that handy multi-tasking ability which helps with driving somewhat. Don’t talk to me about wooden spoons though! *shudder*

  4. Kate says:

    I bet that, as long as you let him hold the camera, The Accidental Tourist won’t mind any experimentation one little bit.

  5. Maxi Cane says:

    Being a man I obviously love lesbians and all they get up to. I’m related to one and I found out last year that an ex-girlfriend is one. (Doesn’t boast well for me, I know).
    Loving everything about them has it limits though….

    I used to manage a local pub and had a lesbian who was well into her fourties invite me back to her place to sample her and her 50 year old partners’ scampy fries. With one looking like Captain Birdseye and the other like Captain Caveman it kind of shattered the illusion for me.

    Didn’t stop me having a go though!

  6. Brianf says:

    TeeHeeHee!
    Yukyukyuk!
    Sensible shoes…….BwyaHahaha!
    Sounds like their problem not yours.
    I had a guy, many moons ago, ask me if he could give me a blow job. I asked him to hang on a second while I got up off the chair and walked into my closet (no pun intended). I stuck my head out and told him I had a present for him. He smiled and I came back into the room holding a Louisville Slugger 34/33. I told him he could have three steps.
    For some reason he never came back over to my house.

  7. “Typical…” and end with “… shouldn’t be allowed on the roads”. It’s pretty annoying.

    Might be annoying, but you don’t know them from Adam. Use it to your advantage.

    So I need to pretend to be a female taxi driver to get phone numbers, is what you are saying? Might lead to an alternative version of “The Crying Game” though: “No, no it’s just a really realistic prosthetic….what?…Why did I buy a small one? Fine, I’ll get me coat.”

    I think PTCC would object. I think I would come to think of it. I got up too early, my brains all wrong…….

  8. Darren says:

    lmao

    K8, stop giving your mobile number out to strangers, male or female.

    I have learned this the hard way. I’m a friendly open person and it took me a long while to realise that some people are CRAZY!!

    That said, give me a call some time..087 456….

  9. Nick says:

    Yes, obviously your personal appearance that’s doing it. Perhaps you should wear one clearly, unarguably girly thing to confuse them. But there again, if there’s scope for a different style of flirting and some juicy tips…stay just the way you are! And yes, try anything once, I say, you might even like it!!

  10. Grannymar says:

    You should have given them your dad’s mobile. High double shock factor ;)

  11. Deborah says:

    Pictures of the kids stuck to the dash might nip that in the bud! Course you’re a very open and friendly person… they might really just want a friend. :)

  12. Ben says:

    Lesbians are over rated.

    Well done on pointing out how hard a time we men have and we only have to put up with on set of ovaries . .

    do ovaries come in sets? …

  13. K8 says:

    Kate; Camera? No way! I’d set him upon a bit of ironing.

    MaxiCane; Loverly imagery there. I love scampi fries!!! Is that another lesbianistic quirk? Oh crap…

    Brian; LMFAO! Yes that does give new meaning to the coming out of the closet concept!

    Thriftcriminal; Yes I did tell one man (who claimed that women drivers are the most dangerous of all) that I had had a sex change. He turned a bit green after that. That’s what he gets for insulting me and trying to flirt with me at the same time, though. Stupid.

    Darren; People in Bray seem to own their own special brand of craziness. Today I tried the ‘ME NO SPEAKI DE ANGLAISH’ method and it worked a charm on the really odd folk.

    Nick; You mean like ‘Bunnygirl’ seat covers? That might get TAT into trouble on his night shifts ;)

    Grannymar; Most excellent idea! Mind you, Mum might start interviewing them…. no, best not.

    Deborah; I was just thinking of putting pictures up today! Everyone seems to want to know about the personal stuff, it’s very strange.

    Ben; It’s nice to hear a bloke say that, even if he doesnt mean it.
    Yes ovaries do indeed come in sets. You can get three sets for the price of two in Heatons for €5.99.

  14. Hang on a second, you’re NOT a fella?

    (I jest, honest.)

    (I figured that out after like the first dozen posts or so, easy)

    (Joke, again)

  15. Baino says:

    Haha . . I wear black, never a dress, sensible shoes and haven’t got any ovaries! I’m a doomed androgen. . .and pish and posh about women drivers, they’re 100% better than Asian drivers (who also seem to be prevolent in the taxi world) Ok so we clip the carport now and then or forget to move forward when the lights turn green whilst applying our lip gloss . . . that’s a little distraction and it doesn’t count!

  16. Medbh says:

    Have you pepper spray or a weapon on hand, K8?
    Just to be on the safe side.

  17. Mary Witzl says:

    Ooh, I’ll have to start buying purple tops. I wear black and grey myself and think sensible shoes are vastly underrated.

    This is a great post and I snorted and tittered all the way through it. It drives me wild that I have so much trouble parking. I’d almost rather be able to park fast and well than fly. And I really, really want to fly.

  18. Mary Witzl says:

    And once again, I cannot manage to post this! So frustrating!

    Spam filter, please let me in — pleeeease!

  19. K8 says:

    Baino; I have to say that Bray has very efficient female drivers, have never yet caught one applying lipgloss or eating cereal behind the wheel. Caught one driving at 60kmph with a small child on her lap though. Eep.

    Medbh; I have a biro concealed in my hair and have been growing my nails :) So far I’ve only had to battle against wits, no violent punters (yet), though I have never worked a night shift, nor do I intend to.

    Mary; Sorry you got filtered!! Picky wordpress.
    Practice makes parking, except in vehicles longer than 10ft with front wheel drive… that’s a toughie.
    I want to fly too! I’m itching to have a go of an F14 fighter jet.

  20. warrior says:

    I reckon you are just damn good at listening and make people feel at ease, would be surprised if it was a ‘pink’ thingy, but hey, you are doing better than most blokes in getting 4 numbers if it is. :-)

  21. Natalie says:

    He he, kate i am now distraught, i do not wear a lot of make up, I do wear sensible shoes and not even women ask for my number…maybe coz I don’t have a tat and wear black??? But 2/4 should give me SOME leverage…having said all that hubby did just walk in the door, see i do not need your number!

  22. Kirk M says:

    Every women has lesbianistic qualities built in or at least the ability to flirt with women as well as men. It’s part and parcel of the package, just one of the reasons that women are so much more flexible that us un-bendable men folk. Besides…

    …it’s all about the m-o-n-e-y. But be careful. You know how vindictive women can be. :D

    Feel free to attack me heartily for that last line. I deserve it.

  23. 5h4mr0(k says:

    “Feel free to attack me heartily for that last line. I deserve it.” – See you’re getting the S&M crowd in now!!!!

  24. Camron says:

    I had an Aussie lesbian friend visiting, and took her to the only ‘comfortable shoes’ pub I know of for the evening (appropriately called ‘Babes’). She was on the dance floor within minutes, collecting numbers like crazy, while I sat ignored at the bar, sipping my drink. I was annoyed. Why didn’t I rate even the polite come-on?

    Finally, the bartender took pity on me. “You’re straight, and we all know it.” Of course, I wondered why it was so obvious. Her answer? “You have a purse.” That was it. I was nonplussed.

    Maybe if you keep a purse – especially the mommy-purse filled with antibacterial wipes, cartoon character band-aids, and the odd pair of socks – on the seat next to you, you’ll get fewer numbers. But maybe keeping the numbers is the way to go. If TAT is anything like Hubby, his reply will be, “Roll tape.”

  25. “you have a purse”

    That is absolutely pure gold.

  26. K8 says:

    Warrior; I’m taking up on Grannymar’s idea of giving them my Dad’s phone number. He’s building me an army. You can have one though, if you like?

    Natalie; You must emit heterosexual vibes. I thought I was doing that too, but apparently I’m not.

    Kirk M; It’s ok, me auld matey, for vindictiveness is a right, not a privelege.

    5h4mr0(k; You’re a dirty bitch for noticing that, aren’t you? ;) Welcome home!

    Camron; But… but… I don’t carry a handbag. Oh crap. Am I so far back in the closet I’m in Narnia? I fit all the stereotypes.
    Did you know that when I was born my mother refused to call me K8? She insisted on calling me David for the first few weeks, according to my father. I think there’s something she’s not telling me.

    Xbox4nappyrash; Don’t you start!

  27. 5h4mr0(k says:

    Yeah I’m back, but if you see my suitcase point it in my direction please!

  28. 5h4mr0(k says:

    The suitcase has found it’s way home. All is well.

  29. K8 says:

    Phew! Fair play to homing suitcases :) I’m hearing a lot of stories about lost luggage lately. People need to stop bringing stuff on their holidays, it’s so selfish. Poor confused baggage handlers…

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