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May 1

Inyourendo

Posted on Thursday, May 1, 2008 in Humourarse, Jobs, Strange and Unusual

There’s something wrong with the way my brain works.  It won’t let me censor the stuff that comes out of my mouth, seriously, here are a few verbal ejaculations that I’ve produced recently to prove that I need help:

To the guy in the pizza house: “Yes, I’m sure I can fit a 9 inch in…”

To a mechanic at a tyre changing shop: “I’m not sure, I haven’t had my fluids checked for a while.”

To a passenger in my cab: “Yes that Parkinson fella is a master debater, isn’t he?”

To a lady who commented on my car-seat covers and recommended leather coverings: “Ah you know… it’s all the same on the whole.”

To a friend who grabs her car-keys and asks me: “Are you coming?!” 
“No, I have a wedgie.  Oh… right… yes.”

To a young lady in my cab who commented on how she liked to see women fighting for male-oriented roles: “Yes, male taxi drivers are a hard bunch to stay on top of, alright…”

(Also on a related note- does anyone know of a good foundation to disguise blushing?)

Tenacious T has memed me with the ‘6 words’ meme again.  Here’s a perfect opportunity to stick it in…

Lack of sleep breeds brain farts.

 

Bring on the comments

  1. Granny says:

    You stoop sooo low.

  2. manuel says:

    oh i’m just as bad at work…..

    when taking lamb to a table I said…”Who wants the lovely rack?”

    and then there were the crab claws that I could get anyone to claim so I shouted, “Who wants crabs?”

    there’s more…….but I just might write a post about it instead……

  3. K8 says:

    Ma; I’m innocent I tells ya!!!

    Manuel; *giggle* Glad I can be of inspirational soyvice!

  4. I Love your headline! And the other off the cuff remarks. Made me laff.

  5. K8 says:

    Made me cringe. I have to stop this verbal diarrhoea.

  6. Granny says:

    The benefit of the private school education! It sticks out a mile. OOPS now your vugalarity is catching.

  7. Lol…Those are great K8! I’ve slipped and said what I was thinking on more than one occasion! I got slapped once for it. :)

  8. That’s brilliant. There was an episode of “Rules of engagement” like that.

  9. Nick says:

    Goodness, how do you manage to come up with so many of them? There must be something deeply Freudian at work in your grey matter. But it’s not just innuendoes that cause problems. I once remarked at work that I thought Johnny Depp was gorgeous. The guy who’d come in to check our alarm system practically fell off his stepladder.

  10. Grannymar says:

    That is almost as bad as the local newspaper’s report of a wedding: ‘The bride was given a standing ovulation’!!!!

  11. K8 says:

    Ma; You’re always harping on about that private school, but I have no memory of any of it at all. Are you sure you sent the right kid?

    Jefferson; People are very nice around here, and pretend to be hard-of-hearing to save me having to explain myself :)
    The Parkinson lady even seemed quite confused by my giggles, which was nice. Better a nutter than a pervert, I always say.

    Thriftcriminal; Being that I’m not a huge fan of ‘Carry-On’ films, I’m quite dissapointed with myself!

    Nick; But… Johnny Depp IS gorgeous. It would’ve been different if you’d said the same about Timberlake or Michael Buble which would’ve been a bit queer. You’re just stating fact, there’s nothing wrong with that.

    Grannymar; Isn’t the brain an amazing orgasm?

  12. warrior says:

    Hmmm you are not the lady who came into the shop where I worked one day and asked if I had chocolate nuts, I said no, just salted ones……….then I nearly died trying not to laugh as she didn’t see the funny side of it…………Naw it wasn’t you.

  13. TenaciousT says:

    Ha- some great ones there alright! Hmmmm definitely something Freudian going on there;-) Warriors remark there reminds me of Gemma Hayes faux pas the other night at the gig…asking the audience if they knew the feeling of having nuts in their mouths!

  14. conortje says:

    You blush afterwards? Don’t believe a word of it :-)

  15. Kate says:

    Awesome.

    I don’t make a lot of the Freudian slips, or if I do, I just don’t notice… but a few weeks ago, a coworker was asking me something about mumbelty blah whatever-it-was, and I meant (no, really, I honestly meant to!) to say, “I don’t know.” Instead, I said, “I don’t care.”

    And that was the real truth.

  16. Banio says:

    Foot in mouth disease or are you just a cunning linguist?

  17. I like the carry on’s. Apparently my grandfather used to fancy the big matron. Hey, hope you are doing some chilling for the weekend, and have a good one.

  18. K8 says:

    Warrior; Yes you need to play it safe with nuts and balls. You really have to wrap both hands around the issue in case you end up with a big old embarrassing mess…

    Tenacious T; SHE DIDN’T!?!? I would have loved to see the crowd’s reaction to that!

    Conortje; Curse the blushes. Once they’ve arrived they’re a bitch to get rid of. I cannot pull off innocent for the life of me.

    Kate; HA! Would that be evil twin syndrome then? ;)

    Banio; *dirty laugh*

    Thriftcriminal; You too, matey! I’m off to a wedding tomorrow in Mullingar (of all places!). It’ll be a crowd of complete head-bangers so it should be good for a laugh.

  19. Brianf says:

    You’re too too funny.

  20. I LOVE it.

    the more ‘carry on’ style the better.

    ‘Oooh Matron!’

    I’ve just spent 3 days on a farm & sniggering at my own ‘cock’ jokes. I was not appreciated.

  21. Medbh says:

    Some guy told me to smile and I said that no, I couldn’t that it was in my genes.
    He turned it into “my smile was in my jeans.”
    Bleurgh.

  22. Brilliant!

    In northern Minnesota there are towns named Embarrass, Fertile, (pronounced like Myrtle) Brainerd and Climax. A headline one winter in the Brainerd paper had the headline “Fertile Woman Killed In Climax Accident”.

    My husband and his mother, both Minnesotans swear up and down that that’s true.

  23. K8 says:

    Brian; Haha funny or strange funny? Both are good so thanks!

    Xbox4nappyrash; I would’ve giggled. I tried a few myself at the weekend but my company pretended to ignore me.

    Medbh; A crack like that deserves a crack.

    Sam; There are some cool town names here too: KillKenny, Birr, Borris-in-Ossory… it goes on and on and on.
    Stillorgan is just begging for a good headline!

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