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Dec 10

Please do not read this post

Posted on Monday, December 10, 2007 in Rantings

I fucking warned you.

Hello, my name is Whogiv Zashit and this is the first day of my Niquitless challenge. Yeah. Cold turkey. I’m not feeding the little fucker one more microgram of Nicotine from this day forth. I shot the little sap and his whingey little voice point blank this morning. Right between the eyes. *BANG*.

I have Baino’s strength and Chronic Bronchitis on my side. I’m free. Free of the midnight panic of the empty ciggy box. Free of the yearning to hit the cow behind the counter who keeps asking if I want a 20 box. (Do I have a choice?! Are you forcing me into a 40 a day habit?! Show some sensitivity bitch!) Free of that stinky salt-peter fug that makes you want to vomit first thing in the morning. Free of that heart-string pulling face that the kiddies give me that tells me they don’t want to hug me because I smell like shite. Free of scabbing lighters. Free of the yearning to thump anyone who glares at me for stubbing a fag out on the pavement. FREE FREE FREE.

I’m cranky. Whatever. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I can’t find anything else to replace my addiction (though this vodka and orange is suddenly way tastier), and a lot to do with the fact that I’ve got my PSV test tomorrow morning. Timing is everything, innit?

Why not wait until after Christmas you might say? Make it a New Year’s Resolution? FUCK OFF. I might reply. I’ll have saved €156.45 by then, sure!

I used to hate whiskey. Now that I can properly taste it, I might invest this money into re-discovering it! This, I feel, would be an excellent present for my children for Christmas.

I don’t expect you to comment, seeing as you didn’t read this post like I told you. If anyone tells me ‘Well Done!’ I will kill them as this is an instant hex on my endeavours so far. Tell me that it’s about time. Tell me I was a stupid cow to have forked out so much cash to a stupid company who is intent on killing stupid people.

If you’re a smoker, I’m sorry. I told you you shouldn’t have read this. It’s sickeningly sobering.

If you’re not, at least you can say you did one amazingly productive thing in your life. You didn’t start. I am increadibly and awesomely jealous.



Bring on the comments

  1. Kate says:

    Oh, no, I swear, I totally didn’t read it. Not a word.

    But I have a vague niggling sense that you deserve congratulations right alongside your gentle-but-effect whap upside the head, and here’s hoping chocolate tastes better, too.

  2. Deborah says:

    You’re a better woman than I… Keep going… it’ll be worth it in the end… or so I keep telling myself!

  3. Hails says:

    Errr… yeah, smoking is stupid, it’s about time, etc. etc. I hope that’s helpful.

    I’ve been free free free since March this year. I still really want one but the difference is that I really don’t need one any more. I do want to stress how amazing it is to wake up in the morning and not have too cough your lungs up before you do anything else. Liberating. Focus on that – and buy yourself something really nice with the first month’s savings! ;)

  4. JackMcMad says:

    Er, not before time? he says treading very carefully. You’re a pretty strong person, I’d say it’ll be nop problem. Is this the wrong tome to tell you that I tagged you earlier

  5. Cat says:

    I didn’t read all if that helps.

    Good Luck. Seriously, good luck, you will need it.

  6. SID says:


    You were making your cold turkey smoke??

    I’m thinking of starting this Mind Altering drug come the new year. It’s the new craze here.

    Well, the day after New Years Day,no wait the surgery will be packed so no appointment,sorry the following Monday,Oh frig Monday mornings,maybe Tuesday,yes Tuesday.

    *Checks diary.*

    *Notes interview*

    Wednesday it is.

  7. Long thin strips of celery
    herbal tea
    long furious walks.
    calculating how many cigarettes you’ve already smoked in your life. (20 years ago mine was $144,000 – invested then today it would be $600,000)
    Calculating their cost + interest.
    Listing people that you know affected adversely by smoking, or dead.
    long furious walks.
    Inventing a mantra (mine was “no thank you I don’t smoke”)
    Buying gorgeous and expensive perfume.
    And french silk socks
    for all those long furious walks.

  8. My husband, as a last resort, joined a 12 step program run by the Baptists. They bored him into quitting. He just couldn’t take the tedium of meetings any more but, in a cunning feat of self-trickery, he had arranged for a friend to show up every week to take him so’s he’d feel obliged to keep at it.

  9. If you are going for the whiskey try the sottish variety, they often have a smokey taste from the peat. Can’t stand them myself, give me some bushey any day. Also won a bottle of middleton once, sweeeeeeeet

  10. Caro says:

    Good luck with the PSV test.

    Put the money you save by not smoking into a jar and just see how quickly cancer sticks can turn into lovely new shoes. Shoes never killed anyone (at least not literally).

  11. Grannymar says:

    I did not read A post, too busy reading The post! It must be Christmas cause I get some!

    Keep struggling on, soon you will smell the roses.

  12. Fair play indeed.

    I’m glad I don’t have to quit smoking – because to quit I’d have to start first. I’ve tried everything but had no success.

    I’ve tried to wean myself onto them – starting with 1 a day and gradually working my way up to 20 or so a day.

    I’ve tried to start with nicotine patches/gum and then move to cigarettes.

    I’ve tried starting suddenly. I’ve tried smoking a cigarette when I would normally have a piece of chewing gum or a bar of chocolate. I’ve tried to smoke socially and then gradually work more and more smoking into my lifestyle.

    Its always the same result – it goes well for about week and then I just stop starting. Lack of will power you see.

    Seriously, it can only be good for you – maybe not the best for those around you in the short term, but stick at it.

  13. Gaye says:

    I have promised myself since I was a kid, that I’d never ever date a man who smokes (my mum and dad both smoked like chimneys, in and out of the house, wherever really)…
    I used to say “Oh never ever never ever would I kiss an ashtray-smelling mouth”.
    I am now very much in love with someone who loves to smoke so much that he wouldn’t even consider quitting, for me or for himself. Actually, let alone quitting, he wouldn’t even reduce it a little.
    Sucks to be me?
    Divine justice? Bad karma? It must be.
    Anyways, I don’t really know why I am telling you any of this K8. If you are a smoker, well, you must stink like my Niall, you should consider quitting for many reasons that don’t need to be even told here.
    If you don’t smoke, well, this comment is pretty pointless then innit? :P

    PS: Pls say when it’s ok to start reading your posts again.

  14. Grandad says:

    I am so glad I didn’t read this post. That is why I’m not leaving a comment.

    Two things…

    Does this mean that next time you visit we can leave the windows closed and keep the house warm?

    P.S. I expect the same rates I charged you for all those years!!

  15. Kirk M says:

    I quit 2 years ago this Christmas. Glad your doing the same. Now go clean the stink out of your house. You don’t get no congratulations now. Make it for a year with no fall backs and then you’ll deserve one.

    Substitutes? No substitutes…deal with it. You think quitting is easy? Just do it. Crankiness is allowed of course. You need something to do? After you clean the stink out of your house, go do your car. Don’t forget to throw out all the ashtrays and if your other half smokes, tell him he’s banned to the outside when he does.

    Wash your hair a lot. Same with the clothes.

    These and other tips provided by the cranky old bastard who quit 2 years ago and went through the same thing.

    Other than that…I’m rootin’ for ya’. ;)

  16. Grandad says:

    Now go clean the stink out of your house.

    Does that include TAT?

  17. You’re making the right decision. There are better things to smoke than tobacco.

  18. Baino says:

    Ah possum. I read it because I never do as I’m told.

    The habit is worse than the addiction so I bought a camera and go happy snapping whenever I feel like a nurrell. The fact that I’m forced into home detention thanks to my recent neutering has also helped, I can’t drive up to the shop to cheat! I am however, planning to fall off the wagon momentarily on Christmas day . . .

    I have a piggy bank with “No Smoking” painted on the side, courtesy of ClareBear into which I put $12 a day towards my trip to Paris next year. Working so far . . .um I do swear a lot . . .but my house smells nice!

  19. Brianf says:

    I’m going to quit someday. Not today. Best of luck to ya’, grouchy.

  20. K8 says:

    Kate; :) Vague thanks in return! When I dig into my whiskey spiked hot chocolate later on, I will think of you! Actually, sods to the later on part.

    Deborah; You’re appealing to the weakest-willed person in the world – I’ve been quitting and giving up on quitting on and off now for many many years. Difference is now that I’m enjoying the withdrawal, which is strange in a sado-masochistic sort of way.

    Hails; Why the hell don’t our bodies stand up for themselves?! Why can’t they recognise that we’ve done them a favour instead of having us believe we’d still like to smoke?! So far my body has given me palpitations, indigestion, and a crick in the neck. Gee, thanks, matey!!

    Jack McMad; It may well be a very angry and embittered tag if that’s ok with you. Thinking makes me want to smoke. Smoking gives me time to think. I haven’t figured out yet how to do one without the other!

    Cat; I don’t know if it is luck I need with the withdrawal… just positive thinking I guess. If you’re wishing me luck with the PSV test though, THANKS!!! I PASSED!

    SID; Drugs for quitting drugs. Drugs for making you think you don’t want drugs. Drugs to distract you from drugs… Jeez. I’m sitting here crocheting my hair into a skullcap, meanwhile my cold turkey is stoned in the corner, thinking about taking you up on your appointment offer. It doesn’t want to face the embarrassment of being served up lightly glazed with a spliff sticking out of its arsehole.

    Wisewebwoman; There we go… good, sound advice! I don’t know about long furious walks, not around here, anyway. The furious cleaning, however, now THAT works. My upstairs loo had boxes and boxes of stuff still lying around from when we moved in 2 years ago under the impression that we’d only be staying for a few months. I FINALLY got around to emptying them last night. Scrubbing feels goooood.
    I will be engraving your comment onto a plank of wood next, for something else to do. I like it.

    Sam Problemchildbride; Thankfully we don’t have many baptists here. All we have are lapsed Catholics and a few die hard Christians who are way too busy defending the church to find the time to help anyone else. Oh, now THAT was uncalled for! *smack*

    Thriftcriminal; I’m going to work my way around all the Bourbons first. Can you put sugar and milk in scotch?
    Zefrank is gas!!! It’s like he’s watching me. Is he? Is everybody?

    Caro; I passed! I’m a professional cabby! I likes shoes, I does.

    Grannymar; I’m still waiting for my first postal card! *sob* All I can smell so far is cow manure. Who puts cow manure on their fields at Christmas time?! Who?!?!

    The Bad Ambassador; Wow, fair play to you. What do you not take for the un-addiction symptoms? I can’t imagine the agony you must be going through. Keep at it :)

    Gaye; It’s ok, I’m cheerful now despite my body lapsing into shock! Maybe it’s not justice or karma, but plain old simple Freud. The smug fecker.

    Daddyo; No thanks for not heeding the advice. I’ll have to buy you a mobile home for you two to stay in while we’re visiting from now on… can’t have you polluting my precious air with those dirty smelly things. *Please shoot me if I every say this earnestly in the future*
    You can expect a home-made embroidered cushion which says “You smoke, I choke *cough cough*” for Christmas.
    Thanks for the congrats :)

    Kirk M; Yep, scrubbing and cleaning is the most out-of-character thing I can do, and ironically, it seems to be the only thing that distracts me enough! TWO YEARS. Fair doos, mate. *tips the cap*

    Gimmeaminute; You have a wonderful gift for looking on the bright side.

    Baino; When are you going to Paris?!? My ears have pricked up so high it hurts! Have fun swearing. Swearing is nice.

    Brianf; Thanks. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

  21. Cat says:

    More good luck on the quitting and the next weeks/months..

    Congrats on passing though!

  22. Brianf says:

    I want you to bring me a shrubbery!

  23. Kirk M says:


    Be careful or she may say “nee” to you.

  24. Kirk M says:

    I regret to inform you that I tagged you for a meme. I figured that with quitting smoking and all you need more stuff to swear about hence this tag.

    Actually, it’s all Grandad’s fault for not remembering that he tagged me previously for that horrid “use all your tags in a post” nightmare I had to write and tagged me yet again. Didn’t you have something to do with that? :P

  25. Kirk M says:

    Oh yeah, here’s the link to the thing so you can swear at me personally.

  26. Medbh says:

    I read it.
    What, are you trying to guilt me into quitting?
    I have set the date to quit for my 40th birthday and will puff contentedly until then.
    But I’ll still feel guilty.
    Good luck, K8.

  27. K8 says:

    Cat; I think the garda just passed me based on my handwriting. He didn’t seem to look over the content too thoroughly, which is just as well really…
    ‘On which street is Black Castle located?’
    ‘Uhhh.. Castle Street?’

    Brian; I shall lobbeth the holy hand grenade in your general direction. Stop yer messin’.

    KirkM; Ahh the tags, the tags. I’m going to have a ball rooting round the old links to check who hasn’t been snared yet.
    Problem is, everytime I start writing, some catastrophe happens else where in the house.
    This weekend will be spent performing monkey tricks for the in-laws, so blogging’s going to be fierce tough for a while.
    I’ll have to draw it up on paper and use it in a hostage situation or something. How’s that?
    You can expect to see it broadcast on CNN at about 9.

    Medbh; Naaah, no guilt. Those smug fag companies have us on strings. The only way to break the chain is to reaaallly hate smoking. Problem is, it’s cool to smoke. I’m just getting really bored of being broke and stinky. In the meantime, as Gimme rightfully points out, there are other things to smoke…

  28. I read it! So, how is it going? ;) By the way, you’ve been tagged! haha…

  29. Kirk M says:

    I do like the way you think. :D

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