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Oct 2

Mind over Matter

Posted on Tuesday, October 2, 2007 in Family, Jobs, Strange and Unusual

I sat on the floor at the back of the van, dangling my feet over the tarmac below.  A cool wind blew through me despite the oversized jacked I’d just put on.  I’d just spent two hours helping two men clean a housefull of gutters, which involves hoses and ladders and cross-breezes and accidental drenchings.
Mr. P walks over and tells me I don’t look well.  He advises me that as a fellow employee, he would advise me to bring them all home, lest I infect him and Ladderman D. He tells me that having to miss half a day’s work to go to TAT’s to play Tiger Woods would be worth the loss of earnings.

That gave me the idea. 

* * *

The battle raged as it had done for the last 27 years.  Constant enemy attack was commonplace inside the keeps, but the troops were well fed, well numbered and constantly prepared to defend their walls at whatever cost.  Recently they had been working harder than ever, but the atmosphere was running hot and cold, and their Queen was becoming weary.

She sat in a cold tower high above her kingdom.  Constant sounds of invasion clammered below, but were drowned out by the queen’s thoughts as she hatched a plan. On the sixth bell she sent for her messenger.


“You heard me.” The head of defence paced nervously around the main room that served as control centre.  “Direct orders.  We need to monitor sector 4 closely and relax it’s defences.”  He gazed over the see of confused faces and began to lay down the plan in detail. 

The orders didn’t make sense to these loyal subjects.  They had been told to let the enemy in.

A northern representative piped up.  “This could have disastrous effects, sir.  Head of State really isn’t going to like it.  Be it a direct order from our Queen or not, it still poses a great risk.  The enemy is clever, and can find doors within our castle that we have no knowledge of.  Once they enter, they can hide and infiltrate our system quickly.  By the time we catch wind of this, it may be too late!”

“This is why we must also prepare.  A message has already been sent to your sector.  There will be a great gathering tonight, where we will be merry and replenish.  Stocks of medicine have arrived, rest assured we will not be found weak.  We are preparing for a minor controlled invasion in sector 4 which will be over in a matter of days and then, my good people, we will re-emerge stronger than ever!!!”

The room erupted with cheers and animated chatter.  Meanwhile… elsewhere in the castle, a portcullis gate slowly opened.

* * *

The computer hummed and keys tapped names and numbers onto a spreadsheet.  I lounged on the couch nearby and passed the Xbox controller to a guy sitting to my right on a foldup chair smoking a cigarette.  I tried to speak, but the words got stuck in sticky sludge and made me cough.  He took a swing.

“Umm.  I think I’m sick.” I said.  TAT swung round in his leather office chair instantly.

“You’re shitting me!” He exclaimed.

“Doesn’t sound like it to me…” Xbox boy chimed in; “she sounds kind of husky to me.  One sick cat.”

TAT sank into a pool of groans and wore an expression like that of a hound in the rain.  The decision slowly dawned on him that maybe a day driving the lads around whilst sitting in the van reading a book might not be such a bad thing after all.

Today.  I am sitting on the couch with a duvet wrapped around me swigging echinacea straight from the bottle and playing Tiger Woods with glee.

Project ‘Mind over Matter’ executed succesfully.

Bring on the comments

  1. Baino says:

    Seems only fitting that the Head of State should mingle with the minions now and then – remain in touch with the will of the people and all that – and the Queen remain rightfully on her throne. I wonder if Liz has an XBox? with a “Kill the Corgi” game or something similar . . .get well chook.

  2. Granny says:

    My Poor Babychile!

    It was only a matter of time.

  3. Hails says:

    Hope you feel better soon, K8. This is the best thing I’ve read lately, I love it! Not ’cause you’re sick, like, just ’cause it’s – well – good. Umm. Thanks for the entertainment on an otherwise grey and dull day! :::virtual – and hence cautiously distant – hug:::

  4. Daz says:

    Tiger Woods … from one coma to another.

    Play Gears of War or Halo 3 instead.

  5. K8 says:

    I reckon the Queer has an elaborate set up in her attic. A giant train set. Or a huge game of risk going on. Or maybe she just plays pin-the-tail with no clothes on. That’s Germans for you.

    You should see the state of us, ma. We’re a house full of rickety old farts now!

    Thanks Hails!! I love these comments. It’s like having Vicks rubbed into one’s chest by Sean Connery himself. :)

    Daz, I hear you, I’m just not able for the mindless brutality yet. That’s how I know I’m sick.

    ‘Challenge EV’rything.’ (Except real-life)

  6. Grandad says:

    Vicks rubbed into one’s chest by Sean Connery himself

    You have some very strange fantasies. I’ll write to Sean and ask if he’s interested in the job……

  7. Foreigner says:

    If you had PS2 instead XBox I would prescribe Dog’s Life. No mindless violence and a lot of crapping compentitions.

    Trust me. I wanted to be a doctor once.

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