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Sep 17

De-feminised!

Posted on Monday, September 17, 2007 in Humourarse, Jobs, Rantings

Being a window-cleaner is a curse on my feminininity!

I went to a charity fund raiser masquerade ball on Saturday night.  It was to raise funds for a bunch of secondary school kids to travel to Gambia to assess their education facilities.  It was great craic altogether, even if it was in Arklow.

masquearade-crop.JPG

What better excuse to buy an expensive Jenny Vander dress?!  What better excuse to buy very expensive shoes and get a kick-ass hair doo?  I went, dolled up to the nines in my war paint and costume jewellery, but had forgotten to do one very important thing.

That one very important thing hadn’t even crossed my mind, and by the time it did, it was too late.

I forgot to re-feminise myself.

A reiki healer once told me that I had a perfect balance of male and female.  She warned me that it would be quite easy to slip over the line into either category, and that I was to re-balance myself regularly.  I totally forgot about this advice on Saturday.  I might have looked like a lady on the outside, but on the inside, I was a burly bloke with arse-cleavage.  I made several very noticable social mistakes to this effect.

Social mistake #1:  I was asked a few times by other girls if I thought they looked okay.  I replied with; “Uhh, I d’know… there’s a mirror in the bog, why don’tya go check yourself out?  Pft!”

Social mistake #2:  I’ve become a little too accustomed to my Converse high-tops.  When I donned my expensive killer heels, I forgot to practice walking around in them.  Whilst walking to the bar (very soberly I might add as it was the first round), I skidded on the waxed dancefloor, and fell hard.  Everybody was sitting at their tables waiting for their first course, so my faux-pas was witnessed by 150 pairs of eyes.  I stood up instantly and grabbed a knife, then waved it about yelling ‘Nobody saw that.  RIGHT?!” at the nearest table.

Social mistake #3:  I challenged the head-mistress of the local convent school to a shot-drinking standoff.

Social mistake #4:  I forgot all the words to ‘It’s raining men’ and refused to dance to it.

Social mistake #5:  Not only did I forget to muffle my burps, but towards the end of the night, I started giving them scores out of ten.

Social mistake #6:  Once or twice I caught myself referring to my friends using their surname, adding an ‘o’ at the end. 

Social mistake #7:  I was introduced to my best friend’s work collegue.  When my friend complimented her beautiful dress, I blurted “I’d do her!” before I could do anything about it.  You’d think that she’d take it as a compliment, but she got scared and ran away back to her table to tell her friends about the lesbian girl in the corner.

Social mistake #8:  I told a girl in the taxi on the way home that she smelled like a whore’s handbag.  Luckily she knew me, so took it the way it was intended, replying that I looked like an extra from the Rocky Horror Show. 

I think this week I shall have to work on re-balancing my feminine side whilst cleaning windows.  I’ll pimp out the work-van by lining it with pink fur and ‘Hello Kitty’ stickers, and sing Shania Twain’s ‘Man, I feel like a woman!’ at every available opportunity.  That should do it.

Bring on the comments

  1. Deborah says:

    Love the outfit! ;-)

    I had a similar debacle this weekend. Free wine and I do not mix, ever. I ended up falling on my ass several times, before one of the ladies had to escort me to my room where she deposited me on the floor. Good times.

    Who won the drinking contest? ;-)

  2. Grandad says:

    So much for the private convent education. *sigh*

  3. Woo Hooooo, don’t change a thing! Unless you want to appeal to younger studly men and not goofy doddering old fools like me.

  4. Granny says:

    I luuuurrrve the dress. Can I have a lend of a loan sometime?

  5. K8 says:

    Deborah, yer one declined my offer. She said it wasn’t exactly in the spirit of the atmosphere. When I pointed out the pun, she pursed her lips and turned her back on me. I threw my Sambuca shot on her hair and set her alight.

    Grandad, ok ok, I took the fees and drank them. There’s no better school than the school of life, after all.

    Sixty, younger studly men are pretty boring. For the most part of Saturday night I was talking to doddering old fools, as I had very little in common with anyone else! They all thought I should be locked up in the loony bin.

  6. K8 says:

    Of course! I bought it with you in mind. I wouldn’t advise the shoes though. They take quite a bit of skill.

  7. Grannymar says:

    Since you have the dress, your dad has no excuse for not buying a table at the Enterprise Ireland Net Visionary Awards 2007.

    Now let me see… the tables are for ten people — thats Granny, Grandad, K8 & TAT. Looks like there might be plenty of room for me.. all I need is a Toyboy for the night!

  8. Hails says:

    Am quite excited as didn’t realise this was an Actual Condition. As someone who preferred skateboards to rollerskates and video games to dolls, I always thought I was just an awkward, tomboyish sort of girl – now I know I’m just too balanced. Err… no. That can’t be right, either.

  9. SID says:

    The oil tank out the back offsets your simply divine dress beautifully.

    My social blunders begin,when Dr says I can have a day pass.

  10. Brianf says:

    I certainly hope you rated your burps by both duration as well as depth of sound quality. All good belchers know it’s a two point system.
    It sounds like you had a blast.

  11. Baino says:

    Kudos for ending surnames with ‘O’. Very Aussie! Kudos for attempting to wear high heels and double digit Kudos for falling over although I tend to do it at the end of the night. It aint a good party unless you end up on yer bum!

  12. Foreigner says:

    When looking as unforgivably gorgeous as yourself there ARE no social blunders.

    There’s eccentricity and quirky sense of humour. So your evening was a ravishing success.

  13. K8 says:

    Grannymar! Good idea :)
    Brian’s a handsome chap who knows how to work a cocktail stick… why don’t you drop a few hints in his direction? ;)

    Hails, yer one with the Reiki never told me HOW to balance. Have you ever tried painting your nails while peeing upright? That might work.

    No TV and no Beer make SID.. something.. something…
    Go crazy?! Don’t mind if I dooo!

    Brian, I have been taught well on the subject of belch ratings… you forgot bonus points for beer-breath distance carried!!

    Hey thanks, Foreigner!!! I don’t know though… you can dress it up, but you can’t always take it out!

  14. […] De-feminised! Being a window-cleaner is a curse on my feminininity! I went to a charity fund raiser masquerade ball on Saturday night.  It was to raise funds for a bunch of secondary school kids to travel to Gambia to assess their education facilities.  It was great craic altogether, even if it was in Arklow. What better excuse to buy an expensive Jenny Vander dress?!  What better excuse to buy very expensive shoes and get a kick-ass hair doo?  I went, dolled up to the nines in my war paint […]

  15. Medbh says:

    Hilarious, K8. You look like a model in the pic.
    Were you scratching in inappropriate places as well?

  16. I’m fascinated by such a diverse range of views and opinions. Who’s your “go to” guy?

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