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Jul 26


Posted on Thursday, July 26, 2007 in Humourarse, Philosophy, Something to think about

There’s this local group I belong to, which tries to fix local issues, such as beach clean-ups for example.  I’m its treasurer.  Sounds like an important job, doesn’t it?  Don’t be too impressed though, as there are only two of us, so it’s not like there was much choice involved. 

There was a meeting scheduled last night.  I’d been informed about this weeks beforehand and was all ready to go, but the thing is, this opportunity presented itself.  I was faced with yet another moral dilemma, having to choose between this meeting (yawn) and a Texas Hold ’em poker game with a load of buddies in town that cropped up.  It’s very difficult to turn down a poker game with a lot of players, the €€€ potential is very tempting to a young gambler like me, and there really was no way of mixing the two, so you can probably guess which option I chose.

Thing is, though… I’m really crap at lying to people.  I had to invent an excuse and apologise profusedly, even though said meeting member didn’t seem to mind.  The guilt followed me around like a bad Guinness fart for hours. 

It occured to me that karma would make me lose in my gambling endeavours just to teach me a lesson, but as it turned out, I won!!!  I’m especially proud of this, as these other players are fierce chancers who try to poker-talk you out of every decision.  They’re the type to raise the bet to 3,000 before the flop, just to mess with your mojo, and are convinced they can read you like a book, but not this time my pretties!

Last night as I was falling asleep, I began to wonder if being such a goody-two-shoes is really a good thing.  Maybe karma doesn’t punish those who happily screw over other people for their own gain.  This revelation was still rolling around in my brain until this morning, when my come-uppance arrived.

The smell was overpowering.  Across between Booterstown at low-tide and a sewage treatment plant, I had to hunt its source, gagging and retching as I tried to smell without breathing at the same time.  The cat had shat on the mat, you see, and cat shit has to be the foulest smell known to mankind. 

So, here I was, grinning like a mad-eejit (grinning from ear to ear supresses the gag reflex, you know.  I learned that from C.S.I., thus proving that tv does have its uses.) and scraping the crappy slime off the rug gingerly with tissue paper.  When that job was done, and I was on my way to the washing-machine, I suddenly stood on something very squishy, which turned out to be regurgitated cat food.  There really is nothing like the feeling of cat vomit oozing between your bare toes. 


So that was karma’s great revenge.  I’m glad to see it has a sense of humour. 

The meeting was rescheduled for today, which I did attend, two kids in tow.  Turned out that all that was required of me was to re-shuffle the names in the bank thingybob!  That could’ve been done over the bloody phone!!!


Bring on the comments

  1. Granny says:

    Have you learned nothing from Mother??

    I would have wrapped a dead cat in the rug and fecked them both in the bin.

    I would then replace the rug.

  2. SID says:

    Did you inspect the cat vomit?

    What was it’s last meal? Carrots?

  3. K8 says:

    The bins went out yesterday so I’d have to wait another 3 weeks with that ‘dead cat’ smell hanging around. Yuk. No, as punishment for the cat, I left Puppychild to torture at her whim. Cat’s tail is now five times longer than it was yesterday.

    No unexplainable diced carrots or rice in this puke. It was just your average dried cat food but more expanded and very sticky. It was a real feast for the senses.

    It’s nice to know my cat has had a complete evacuation. She needs that every now and then, like a good chimney clean.
    I’m going to get her to swallow some string now, then wait for it to appear at the other end. I reckon she needs a good floss.

  4. baino says:

    Hahaha . . I thought it was only small children that expelled stuff from both ends!

  5. Daz says:

    Do cats not shit in a box filled with litter or sand or whatever that crap is?

    Otherwise you be hustlin’ O.G. style with that punk-as ahit … literally.

  6. Grandad says:

    Hey! If she was squirting like a firehose from both ends simultaneously, did she spin like a Catherine wheel?

    Or did she just implode [according to Newton’s laws of action and reaction]?

  7. SID says:

    And speaking of evacuation…thanks for that email!

  8. You are bad at lying and play poker? Lawdy!

  9. K8 says:

    Baino: Baby ‘stuff’ I can deal with!! Cat ‘stuff’ is toxic. Literally.

    Daz: See, she’s a clever cat. If we forget to kick her outside at night, she renegades by crapping on the bathroom mat. If we’re very lucky she’ll even sometimes crap near the plughole of the bath. Stinky revenge. In the words of the Presidents of the United States of America:
    ‘Fuck you, kitty, you’re gonna spend the night… OUTSIDE!!!’

    Da: Cat is cold and calculating. She planned her mission and excecuted it under the cover of darkness, so there’s no real way of knowing which way she spun.

    SID: heh heh heh heh…

    Sixty: I feel no guilt for people who are trying to squeeze cold hard cash out of me, nor for those who are just a plain old pain-in-the-ass. One of my favourite excuses for door to door salespeople is ‘sorry mate, no money… I’ve been indicted again.’

  10. Brianf says:

    I never understood the allure of gambling. I went to a horse track once. I lost $2 and never went back.
    I love cats!!!
    They’re delicious!

    I’m at work. I’m working hard. Dilligent I am being. I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.

  11. popeyemoon says:

    Yep there is nothing meaner than cat shit.

  12. Deborah says:

    Too funny K8! As much as I miss my kitties we left in the states I don’t miss the puke.

    Do you ever play on Paddy Power? I’m Dewdropdeb on there, pretty hooked I am, but keep building up the total so the hubs doesn’t mind!

  13. I will see your cat shit and vomit and raise you broccoli and vodka vomit.

  14. K8 says:

    Popeyemoon, right on.

    Deborah, no but one or two of my poker buddies do! I’d be too ascared to gamble on-line. I love poker. It would totally consume me and I would end up as a wino living in a skip. Never say never though….

    Fat Sparrow, Ok, you got me. I fold.

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