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Jul 1

Pillow Talk

Posted on Sunday, July 1, 2007 in Family, Humourarse

This is how it goes down in our house.

To set the scene, it is 10.30am Sunday morning.  I and the A.T. are fast asleep in bed.  A.T. had been out the night before, and had called me at 5.30am (instead of the arranged 1.30am plan) looking for a lift home.  I had politely told him to stick the idea somewhere unpleasant, and told him to wait for a few hours.  I got another call at 9.00am, pleading had turned to begging, as the party sounded like it was still going and the sofa was getting sticky.  Like I say, an hour later we were both home, back in bed, leaving the children to their own devices.

A.T.’s mobile phone rings.
My brain made my arm reach for the phone to fling it at A.T.
A.T. sits bolt upright.

“Bollocks!!  I forgot all about that!  Here!!!” he shouts as he flings the phone back at me, still ringing. 
“Forgot what?  Who is it? Meh?” I wake up in a groggy haze, trying to remember what day it is and where I am. A.T. is fast asleep again.
“Hello!” I say in my brightest ‘I’m wide awake, I swear!’ voice, while simultaneously trying to regain control of an escaped contact lens.
“Hiya, it’s Mellissa, are you coming over later?”

I give A.T. a dig.  Thus follows a double conversation, one half mumbled from a pillow, the other being the phone inquiring about the day’s plans.  I get confused at this stage, and a heap of verbal diarrhoea follows.  The speech function of my brain is only booting up at this point.

“What?  Yeah, sure!” I say.  “He mentioned..is… um yesterday.. but he forgot to tell.. what?  Yeah.  I mean yeah because I’d… I’m not sure.”
“….birthday…” The phone said.

“What?  I forgot.  Oh.  What?  Birthday did you say? Nobody didn’t tell me.  Well he did but I forgot.  Sorry.  What?”  With every word followed a little ‘D’OH!’ noise in my head. 

*Got to regain control of brain*

Luckily though…

“Hello?  The signal’s very bad, I can hardly hear you!  Can you hear me?”  Then followed 5 minutes of “Hello?, Hello?, Are you there?!?!” Until I ran in the semi-nip to the front room thus giving the neighbours an unneccesary eyeful over breakfast.  Mobile phone reception improved instantly.

“Did I wake you up?” The phone enquired politely.
“Fu.. I mean God no!  Sure I’ve been up for hours finishing the ironing!”
“Oh good, so anyway, are you coming to Aoife’s party later?”  The penny drops.  Daughter.  2nd birthday.  Party.  Lots of children and chaos with a half-life of six hours.
“Yeah!  Of course!  When do you want us?”
“4?”
“Sound.  Laters!”

*groan*
Back to bed.

Resurface at 1.30pm.  Mental slap across own face: No present!!! No card!!!!  What do do?  Where to go on a Sunday?!?

*Minor panic ensues for 30 minutes*

William Tell’s overture plays loudly in my head as I drive to the nearest town to buy DVDs and Dora the Explorer shoes.  Thank you Heatons.  You rock.

The rest is a blur of coffee, cocktail sausages, cigarettes and a lot of rain.

I bet I wake up and it’s 10.30am and I’ll have dreamed it all.  I’ll run in to the computer to blog about it and find that it has already been written and I am in a parallel universe where computers control reality.  Or I’ll wake up and find that I’m really on the planet Zovirax where I’ve been all along.

What?!?

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I can’t function without sleep.  I’m going mad again.

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Bring on the comments

  1. Grandad says:

    So that’s what TAT looks like without his crash helmet?

  2. Kate says:

    You’re so good. I can’t count the number of times I have blamed the absence from a similar type of party on someone’s – my dad’s, my 2-year-old’s, my mailman’s, anyone’s – stomach bug, and not even because I didn’t have gifts or cards… just because I didn’t want to.

  3. baino says:

    Aghh. You poor thing. Mind you sleeping in at 10:30 while the kids run rampant is a brave effort! However, picking up TAT at 5.00am! Nothing short of madness, I hope he made it worth your while! I’d have tucked a fiver in his jacket pocket and let him make his own way home.

  4. b3n says:

    I wouldn’t dare wake MrsB3N up at 5am looking for a lift. I would rather play ‘Boot the Rotweillwer up the hole and see how far you can get before he catches you’.

  5. K8 says:

    Da, that was me when I woke up and realised I’d have to miss a good Irish fry-up.

    Kate, I do that all the time sure! I was just way too sleepy to think of something on the spot. Ah well.

    Baino, the town he was in is only 5 miles away, but it costs 11euroz to get a taxi!!! I made him wait ’till 9.30 for the lift, I’d be a liablity on the roads if I’d left at 5. Sod that for a game of soldiers!

  6. K8 says:

    b3n lets just say he owes me favours…

  7. Kate says:

    “Stomach bug.” Just, reflexive. No thinking required. “Stomach bug.” That’s all. “Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

  8. Well written. Like the begining of short story. One wonders about the rest of the day. Maeve Binchy beware!

  9. SID says:

    Pillow talk in Casa SID involves six words.

    “Do you think they heard us?”

  10. K8 says:

    Kate, you’ve seen ‘Ferris Bueller’s day off’, right? How great would it be to have a keyboard with sickness sound effects?!

    Thank you John! I’ve actually never read Maeve Binchy shamefully, though mum’s a huge fan :)

    SID, you had to pull the bedhead away from the wall too? ;)

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