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Jun 29

Seriously though…

Posted on Friday, June 29, 2007 in Humourarse, Quickie

Could somebody please tell me a good joke?

I’m running out of party tricks.

gross.jpg

Bring on the comments

  1. SID says:

    A horse walks into a bar and the Barman says “Why the long face?”

  2. baino says:

    These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism website. Obviously the answers came from fellow Aussies…..just trying to help:

    Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?
    (UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
    Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
    A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
    Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
    A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water…
    Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
    A: What did your last slave die of?
    Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
    A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
    Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
    A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
    Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
    Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
    A: No, WE don’t stink.
    Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
    Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
    A: You are a British politician, right?
    Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
    A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
    Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
    A: Only at Christmas.
    Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
    A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.
    Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
    A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
    Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
    A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
    Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)
    A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
    Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
    A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
    Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
    A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

  3. Brianf says:

    A moose walked into a bar in Canada. The bartender said, Hey, why the long face, eh?

  4. K8 says:

    *groan*

    I knew you’d come through Baino!! Took me a while to read that after a bottle of wine last night but by gad it had me giggling :)

    Took me a while to get that one, B. I’m getting used to the Canuck cracks now!! So to speak.

  5. Kate says:

    Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Just two.

    Q: How many abstract painters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Purple.

    Q: How many toddlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One. They hold still (hah!) and let the world revolve around them.

  6. Brianf says:

    How many gub’mint employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    None, they hire a consultant to do it.

  7. K8 says:

    Kate, sex, art and motherhood!!! Right up my street :)

    How many BrianFs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    None. He is the zen master. He does not require light.

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