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Jun 18

Not what it's cracked up to be.

Posted on Monday, June 18, 2007 in Family, Rantings, Strange and Unusual

As many of you already know, Grandad is away on holidays for a spell.  He wouldn’t tell me where he was going, but I know that when he’s going somewhere really interesting, he likes to keep me out of the loop, so this time I have hired a personal investigator.  I received the following photograph this morning, apparently my mum and dad are in Outer Mongolia on a second honeymoon.  Here they are, being serenaded.  My mum always likes to join in the singing, bless her.


I was really excited when they were going away, it means I get to bring my family to Headrambles Manor to house-sit.  Unfortunately, last year when I got to spend dad’s holiday in his house, I lost the run of things a little bit, so dad (as I’ve just discovered) has been hard at work ensuring that the same thing doesn’t happen again.  Kudos to him, he’s really let his imagination flow.  I don’t know what the big deal was, anyway… it’s not like he really liked that tree, and he never used that spare room before I burned it down.  The party was well worth it, and you’d think he’d have a renewed sense of humour after a nice long holiday, but apparently not.

Anyway, when I arrived at Headrambles Manor yesterday and freed my dog for a sniff around, the first thing that happened was the landmine detonation.  My dog was okay, but we now can’t go into the garden as we don’t know how many more are planted. 

Then at 5am this morning when I went for my early morning pee, I discovered that he’d cleverly wired his toilet roll holder to the mains.  I just couldn’t get back to sleep after that.  He managed the same trick with the television remote control which is a mind-bogglingly tricky thing to do.

Another example of his evilry was to leave a note saying that he’d stocked the fridge for my arrival.  He’d been planning this for weeks, obviously, as he went to the trouble of buying new products, then replacing their contents with his previously stored rotten foods.  We avoided a nasty dose of salmonella from the scrambled eggs we nearly ate this morning, had the dog not passed out from the smell. 

However, possibly the worst crime of all is the laptop he left me.  He’s locked his own computer in the vaults as he clearly doesn’t trust me, and seems to have employed a guard to look after it, as there are wierd noises in there and we’ve already turned away the CIA over alledged dodgy activity twice.  The laptop he did leave me is the family heirloom.  It’s very pretty, with gold-leafing patterns around the screen, and pure ivory keys.  It even has raffia around the USB ports so I don’t know exactly what period it’s from. 

This laptop has a version of internet explorer on it which is great, at least I can finally avail of ye-olde broadband to look at some YouTube videos I’ve been dying to see, but unfortunately the keys seem to be screwed.  It’s stuck on CAPSLOCK, and the letters have a wierd identity crisis going on.  ‘A’ thinks it’s ‘U’, ‘O’ thinks it’s ‘Q’, ‘SPACEBAR’ thinks it’s ‘5’, and ‘BACKSPACE’ thinks it’s %.  This makes it really difficult to do searches and write posts. 

So what I’m trying to say, in a very elaborate sort of way, is that if I’m very quiet over the next few days, it’s either because I’ve been blown up, electrocuted, poisoned, or just silenced by an ancient laptop.

You think I’m joking, don’t you?  I’ll tell you again for the gazillionth time, I never exaggerate.



Bring on the comments

  1. Grannymar says:

    Apart from all that are you having a nice ‘house-sit’?

  2. Grannymar says:

    Did he take the Crown Jewels with him?

  3. While you are on sabbatical, work the creed for our new religion, OK?
    I think eight core beliefs will do, K8’s 8 2 B Gr8

  4. K8 says:

    Yes, it’s very nice atmospherically-wise! He took everything incriminating with him. Unless there’s something I should know about… I’ll keep looking anyway.

  5. SID says:

    Sell everything on ebay!

    He will admire your astute business sense.

  6. K8 says:


  7. From Grandad’s last blog his computer has taken on a life of it’s own…so be afraid in that house…be very afraid!!!

  8. Brianf says:

    I like the idea for selling everything on Ebay then……leave Grandad a $50 dollar bill on the floor. Not 50 Euros but $50 dollars US.
    I’m sure he would enjoy the humor in it.

  9. Baino says:

    mmm . . my bloggy comment didn’t work this morning!

    Make sure that the neighbours realise that it’s business as usual by regularly swinging a five iron of doggy doo at their roof

  10. b3n says:

    I gotta get me hands on some Mongolian throat singing. Have you heard it, it’s fantastic?

  11. SID says:

    Looks like K8 has got her hands on some Mongolian liquor instead!

  12. K8 says:

    My laptop’s keyboard is functioning properly for a change!!!! I found out that all I have to do is switch it off, make it sit on the bold-step for ten minutes, then reboot it. It just needed parenting.

    If I sold everything on Ebay I couldn’t get in trouble either, all I’d have to do is blame it on S.I.D. and Brian! He knows how impressionable I can be. I’ll start with his porn collection.

    Baino, i’ve been poo flinging with da’s new toy:
    -More fun than a barrel of monkeys!

  13. […] we had our drunken orgy quiet holiday, our K8, Puppychild and the Mad Dog looked after the house and […]

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