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May 16

Pane in the ass

Posted on Wednesday, May 16, 2007 in Jobs, Rantings

Why is it that when a customer knows their window cleaners are due around, they set their house alarms to ‘extra-sensitive’, and bolt their side-gates?

I spent my day yesterday window cleaning with Dazz, in a housing estate where every house is identical.  They all have side-gates about 6ft high, all decorated with sharp spikes.  You have to nimbly pitch one foot on a precarious foot hold just above the bolt, swing your leg onto a jagged wooden (extremely slippery) fence, place your credentials within a half and inch of a sharp gate-spike, and hope for the best as you pivot around and take a leap of faith onto the other side.  Does liablitly insurance cover a spike up the bum? 

Cleaning each window is a slow task.  Each has pressure sensitive pads on their frame, and if you lean too heavily on a pane, you get twenty minutes of ‘PEE-OOO-EEE-OOO-EEE-OOO-EEE-OOO!’ in your ear along with filthy looks from neighbours.  House alarms frey the nerves.  I can deal with rottweilers and dobermen, but the sound of a high-pitched burglar alarm can stay ringing in your ears for days.

It is apparently spider season, too.  The mummy spiders have buggered off, leaving teams of fledgeling spider-babies finding their independance.  Boy are those feckers nimble.  I spent most of the time disentangling myself from tiny spiders yo-yoing from my sleeve, and every time I scratched my forehead, another spider would bungee from my fringe.  They seem to think it’s hilarious.  You can’t flick them because they’re attatched with magic invisible thread, and they’re too fast and small to squish.   I think one got into my eye and crawled inside my inner-eyelid.  I have a severely bloodshot and itchy eye and am forced to wear my horrible glasses instead of contacts, trying not to think about what this spider child is occupying himself with in there.  It feels like he’s scratching ‘Boris waz ere 16/05/07’.

I have to go now.  My toddler has just opened a 2 litre bottle of milk and decorated my sitting-room with it.  

It’s a slow day in K8 world.

Bring on the comments

  1. SID says:

    “Money spiders” isn’t that what some twats call them?

    “Oh looksey you have a money spider on you!!!!”

    Personally I would pay money to kill them…and then finish off the spiders.

    Orrible things!

  2. baino says:

    My alarm doesn’t work . . .I have a large furry one that recently allowed a complete stranger into the house to change the water filter under the sink . . . licked him hello and goodbye then languished on my bed for the afternoon. Useless . . .

    At least your spiders aren’t going to be 50 times their size by the time they’re three months old! I have a technique – spray them quickly with highly toxic Mortein spider spray then thwack ’em with a rubber thong – I don’t want them to suffer but I don’t want them crawling over me in the night!

  3. Grandad says:

    Bring a can of insect spray and give ’em a quick blast. It works very well.

    Mind you the hundreds of screams as they go through the death throes can be louder than the burglar alarm.

  4. Baino says:

    Ah . . spiders schmiders. I have a technique to get rid of the big ones. Spray with Mortein spider spray then while they’re bamboozled, thwack em with a thong. (Don’t like to see them suffer). They can stay if they sit on the curtain rods and eat mozzies . . . head towards the bedroom and they’re ‘toast’.

  5. K8 says:

    eeeeeeeEEEEEWWWWWW thanks for the link. I now very much appreciate living in Ireland and not Huntsman territory.

    I really love the idea of spiders! I’ve read ‘Charlotte’s Web’, they make lovely pets AND they’re useful. I can’t kill them. Besides, there are too many of them to spray, the poor customer would end up with a window pane covered in white powder!

    I will happily murder wasps point blank though.

  6. MJ says:

    Hello. That eejit SID sent me here.

  7. Leave those spiderlings on the sills of your window or something.

    Without spiders we’d be tormented by flies.

  8. K8 says:

    Céad míle fáilte MJ. Infomaniac eh? Why is it that you never see baby pigeons around? Answer that then, smartarse.

  9. Because spiders live in webs. Webs are small enough to fit in the corners of rooms.

    Hell, if a pigeon’s building in the corner of someone’s house, they’d seriously need to get a duster or something …

    Though we did have starlings in our chimney last year …

  10. Oh yes, and wasps are the work of Satan. They have no purpose other than sting and reproduce.

  11. K8 says:

    Starlings in chimneys are quite the perdikament! They’re loud, and kind of cold, seing as you can’t light a fire.

    I once disturbed a wasp nest (how was I sposed to fkin know they build nests in logs?!?!) and got stung seven times within the space of 20 minutes. I was 6 months pregnant at the time and was totally convinced my baby would be born a superhero.

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