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May 9

14 ways to become a better you

Posted on Wednesday, May 9, 2007 in Humourarse, Something to think about

There is an anticyclone of lack of imagination and apathy hovering around my coastal waters today.  If I was gothic, I’d be gazing from a broken stained-glass window 20 storeys above the city with a big black crow sitting on my shoulder.  I’m not though.  So instead it’s endless cups of tea for me whilst sitting on the sofa trying to figure out what I have the energy or the interest in doing, which isn’t much.  To cheer myself up I like to refer to a handy little self-help book, from which I would like to quote, in case anyone else out there is trying to shake off big black apathy crows and needs cheering up. 

My self-help book is called ‘The Little Book of Complete Bollocks’, by Alistair Beaton.

Thinking of others can be very stressful.  If you think of others all the time you may become a victim of repetitive stress syndrome. 
Avoid this danger by thinking about yourself as much as possible.

Break through to a whole new life in less than a day.
Here’s how:
Buy ten self-help books.
Take them home.
Put them in a pile on the floor.
Sit on them.
Watch television.

Finding the child within yourself can be harder than you think.  Buy a cuddly toy and take it to bed with you.  Use it to rediscover the child-self you thought you had lost forever.  Keep in touch with this child-self wherever you go.  Throw tantrums with people who won’t let you have your way.  Eat too much chocolate and be sick.  Show your partner your anger by wetting the bed.

Find inner peace by clenching and unclenching your buttocks at least twenty times a day.

It’s okay to be you.  It’s not okay to be somebody else.  Spare a thought for all those people who ae somebody else.  It must be just awful for them!

Deal with your inner stress by indulging your senses: look for a rainbow, stroke a piece of silk, listen to a cat purring, sniff a newly-cut rose.
If no one is around, do drugs.

Understand the importance of non-verbal messaging.  Give people the sound cues which reveal your mood:
If you are happy, ululate in people’s ears
If you are anxious, make moaning noises
If you are depressed, fart loudly and persistantly.

You are the only person who loves you unconditionally.
You are the only person who accepts you absolutely.
You are the only person who wants to be with you twenty-four hours a day.
You are the only person who wants to look in your handkerchief after you’ve blown your nose.
Congratulations!  You are probably the most tolerant person you will ever meet!

Feeling tired and listless?  Your energy is being blocked by energy blocks.
Find new energy by unblocking your energy blocks.
Once your energy blocks are unblocked, try to find out why you were experiencing energy blocks in the first place.
If you don’t have the energy to find out why you were experiencing energy blocks in the first place, it could be that your energy is being blocked by new energy blocks.
At this point it’s probably best to give up.

Never lose belief in yourself.  Every morning, stand in front of your bathroom mirror and say to yourself, ‘I am talented and beautiful.  People adore me.  I am popular because I deserve to be popular.’  Repeat this ten times.
Don’t tell anyone you’re doing this – nobody wants to be friends with a sad bastard who talks to himself in mirrors.

Each morning, write down ten useful things that you would like to achieve that day.  At the end of the day, look at the list.  If you haven’t achieved any of your ten aims, throw the list away and write instead a list of ten completely useless things you did that day.  Now put a tick opposite each of them  Pin this list on your bedroom wall, and fall asleep secure in the knowledge that you are an achiever.

Failure is only success waiting to happen.
Next time you feel you’re a failure, just say to yourself, ‘I’m waiting to happen!’

Spring clean your mind.  Brush away the cobwebs of guilt.  Scrub out the stains of anxiety.  Hoover up the dust of depression.  Take your brain to the dry cleaners.
(Don’t lose the ticket.)

and finally:

Get in touch with yourself by touching yourself.
If somebody is watching, stop touching yourself.

Bring on the comments

  1. Grannymar says:


    I was reading a magazine at breakfast time. From some simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace……

    The article read: “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started. So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished…. …and before going out this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel’s, my Prozac, a kebab, 2 litres of Stella Artois, and 1/2 can of cider

    You have no idea how good I feel right now….

  2. baino says:

    I’m glad I’m not the only one with malaise at the moment. I’ve been doing lots of buttock-clenching and discovered that I actually do have glutes! So I’m feeling much better now!

  3. K8 says:

    That’s the ‘spirit’ Grannymar!!

    I’m glad I could help you get to the bottom of the problem, Baino :)

    Sorry, I seem to be in pun mode. Must be all the cookies dropped by a hard day of downloading housework. I have to go and defragment my brain now.

  4. Brianf says:

    Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat.

    I have this framed and sitting on my desk in my office.
    I need to spend more time in my office.

  5. K8 says:

    Good old Teddy Roosevelt! He was a great man for the words of wisdom.

  6. Grandad says:

    “If at first, you don’t succeed, give up”

    [Homer Simpson]

  7. You could always become a Buddhist – they seem pretty well rounded all the time.

  8. Granny says:

    I’m sitting here not feeling myself at the moment. Have you any suggestions who I should feel?

  9. K8 says:

    “How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?”

    [Another classic from Homer J.]

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